How to guarantee yourself a first: Dissertation ideas for Bristol uni students

Ah dissertation season, the time of year where caffeine replaces water, existential dread becomes your closest friend, and you seriously consider whether a 10,000 word analysis of your own dire procrastination habits could pass as “autoethnography”. (If you’re in the library right now close this page and do some work you fool). But fear not, fellow students of the academic trenches, because to help you avoid the soul crushing task of actually thinking (and to avoid writing my own, very real dissertation), I have compiled a list of ground-breaking, Bristol specific dissertation ideas.

And remember, when the dust settles and the library has crushed your spirit, be sure to give credit to the ice-cold diet cokes in the ASS vending machines in your acknowledgments (they really get you through). Now, go forth and produce just enough work to maintain the illusion of competence!

A sociological inquiry into Bristol’s nightlife through the lens of your own poor life choices

A deeply personal yet academically rigorous study into the transformative power of Jägerbombs. You, the researcher, will bravely sacrifice yourself to the dance floors of La Rocca and BP in the name of academia. Ethical concerns around VK consumption pending. Will involve a psychological case study on why you keep calling him at 3am despite supposedly knowing better.

Will also include a chapter on late night student migration patterns on the Triangle, culminating in a compulsory 4am pilgrimage to M&M’s for an impromptu, cheese-laden existential crisis. Final conclusions remain uncertain but will likely involve regret, dehydration, and a heartfelt vow to never get that drunk again… until next weekend.

The gentrification of Whiteladies: A psychological study of the dangers of having a Gails and an Everyman in a student area

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Investigating the profound effect of overpriced pastries and £15 cinema tickets on self perceived socioeconomic status. Key themes include the inexplicable ability of a sourdough loaf to make you feel superior and the unsettling realisation you just spent half of your student loan on a blueberry matcha in Bakesmiths. Case studies include investigating who was the first of your friends to start saying “shall we do cocktails?” without irony.

A comparative study of the ethical implications of queuing in Bristol: Cotham Post Office and Thekla 

A sociological deep dive into the human condition, as witnessed in two of Bristol’s most soul destroying queues. On one side: The Cotham Post Office, where Vinted warriors battle bureaucracy at a glacial pace. On the other: The Thekla frequenters, and the slow erosion of their dignity as they queue for hours to gain access to a glorified fishtank disguised as a nightclub. Also includes a section on queue jumping as a moral failing. Concludes with a study on whether post-queue euphoria justifies the suffering (it doesn’t). 

From Gravity to Daisy’s: The evolution of Bristol’s student sports nights

Ah, Gravs, the once sacred temple of chaotic sports nights. With a smoking area that can only be described as a Romanesque amphitheatre, my poor heart aches every time I walk past that crumbling sign. A true Bristol institution where cheap doubles and the sweet sounds of Mr Brightside would echo long into the night. This dissertation will explore the tragic closure of Gravity and the rise of Daisy’s as the new home for sports night. Through interviews with heartbroken former regulars (me) this study will answer the burning question: Can Daisy’s truly replace Gravity, or it just a more expensive, slightly less sweaty version of the same thing? It will also look at why we don’t have kebab meat and chicken nuggets lobbed at us in the smoking area anymore. (Sigh. The good old days.) 

The aesthetic value of cafés in Clifton: Do fairy lights and a 30-year-old man with a moustache and a beanie really make your £7 latte taste better?

A ground breaking scientific study into whether exposed brick walls and serving coffee in a repurposed jam jar can physically alter the taste of overpriced caffeine. Through controlled experiments, you will consider the placebo effect of being surrounded by macrame plant hangers and performative copies of Pride and Prejudice that nobody reads. It should also consider the motivations for spending 40p extra on oat milk despite having no dietary requirements. Fieldwork will take place in a café where the barista tells you that they do things “a little differently here” and wears his burnt orange beanie year round. 

The feasibility of an underground tunnel between the ASS and The White Bear

A civil engineering project that asks the real question: why hasn’t this happened yet and who do we need to bribe?

The fresher to final year pipeline: A Darwinian analysis

An exploration into the tragic decline of the university student, charting their inevitable descent from reckless invincibility to fragile, caffeine dependent relic. Beginning with the wide eyed fresher, a creature capable of downing six pints, three vodka Red Bulls, surviving Lakota, and the 3am U1 trip back to Stoke Bishop, and still making their 9am. Contrast this with the final year specimen: a being so physically and emotionally weathered that three pints on a Thursday now requires a full week of recovery and a written apology to their dissertation supervisor after their hangover had them on bedrest for 24 hours. Concludes with an inquiry into whether this evolutionary shift is really “maturing” or whether they just can’t hack it anymore.

Why does that one prick keep popping up? A study in cosmic punishment

More of a labryinth than the one created by King Minos for the Minotaur, Senate boasts about seventy floors and an infinite number of rooms. Yet no matter how carefully you choose your seat, your number one campus opp always manages to pop up directly in your line of sight. This dissertation will investigate the shocking truth: The universe, in its infinite wisdom, actively conspires to place the person who devastated your emotional wellbeing right in front of you. We desperately try to focus on anything other than the mental image of their untimely demise. The hypothesis: There’s a higher power with a sick sense of humour whose sole job is to ensure your misery is both spectacular and inconvenient.

Wills Hall: A Marxist perspective

Exploring the Eton/Oxbridge reject to Wills Hall pipeline. What is the correlation between their egos and the fact they elect to wear formal robes despite being at the same university as the rest of us. Who holds the true cultural capital of Bristol. Are the Schoffel wearing Surrey boys getting off the bus an adequate display of proletariat resistance?

10 before 10: A ground breaking study in self destruction and the limits of human dignity

This dissertation will explore the time honoured yet medically inadvisable tradition of attempting to consume 10 pints of Exhibition cider at the Cori Tap before 10 pm. Research will include the rapid decline in motor skills observed between pint six and pint eight, the existential dread of reaching number nine and realising you can no longer see, and the ethics of a challenge that guarantees a blackout all before the BBC have done their nightly broadcast. Results may be inconclusive given the researcher is unlikely to remember anything after pint four.

The business model of the Revolut Man

I write this, dear reader, having been accosted by the Revolut Man once again on the first floor of the ASS (a holy sanctuary for procrastination, and apparently, pyramid schemes). His once modest bribe of £5 has now ballooned to a staggering £30. What started as a simple transaction has morphed into something uncontrollable, and this dissertation will explore the burning questions that have kept me up at night: Who is this man? Who does he work for? What is his true purpose?

And, perhaps most pressingly, does he actually do any academic work at all? The Revolut Man, with his shifty smile and suspiciously easy money, is the Banksy of the financial world, his elusive persona making him all the more intriguing. Is he a marketing genius, or just a well-dressed con artist who we are somehow giving our bank details to? Time will tell.