Literally no one asked but here’s a definitive review of Birmingham Uni’s campus toilets

I know what you’re thinking: “Who has enough time on their hands to meticulously review toilets on campus?” It’s me. I’m the student with nothing better to do with her time.

This has almost been something of a passion project for me, and a key topic of complaint every time I discover a new abomination of a toilet.

Some of the toilets on UoB’s campus are not for the weak, and I have a new-found admiration for anyone braving the library toilets pre-9am.

Others, I consider the height of uni luxury. Whether you value a full-length mirror or a room-style toilet, here’s a definitive rating of campus toilets for the next time you are looking for a peaceful moment alone or for a little mid-essay cry.

The Evaluation

To make these true, reliable rankings, there has to be a criteria of what makes the perfect toilet experience. This article should be your number one port of call when in a bad situation on campus.

For an exact, scientific evaluation, the toilets will be rated out of 10 on these areas: Cleanliness, quality of mirror, location,  stench of the room (10 if lovely smelling, one if there is a strong stench), and of course, overall experience.

So, without further ado, here’s what I found. Enjoy.

The Library

Starting off strong with the toilets every Brum student fears, the library toilets are truly in their own league. The warm stench of these toilets is like nothing I’ve ever experienced, and I don’t know whether its the stress of deadline season getting to people or people maybe drinking too much coffee, but those smells are inhumane.

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To be fair to the rest of the library floors, in my opinion, the ground floor toilets are by far the worst; although the others won’t be getting awards anytime soon. Despite the warnings to not perch on the toilet seat, I think there are bigger problems to focus on in these toilets.

Cleanliness: three out of 10

Quality of mirror: six out of 10

Location: eight out of 10

Smells: one out of 10

Overall experience: four out of 10

Teaching and Learning Building

Nothing compares to the pure joy of finding yourself near the Teaching and Learning Building when you happen to need the toilet. Really not much on campus could rival the extravagance of them. Especially in the room-style toilets, the mirror is 10/10, they are consistently clean and have great lighting for a cheeky post-lecture selfie, proving to everyone that you did indeed attend your 9am. I would even go far as to say these toilets are the most superior choice on campus.

Cleanliness: seven out of 10

Quality of mirror: 10 out of 10

Location: seven out of 10

Smells: eight out of 10

Overall experience: eight out of 10

The Arts Building 

Another nightmare, the Arts toilets feel very mysterious and like a forbidden place for non-arts students (of which I am). They are weirdly spacious with lots of room outside the cubicles perfect for a quick gossip, although the open windows do make it risky for any serious post-night out debriefs.

They aren’t the prime spot on campus especially when you are so near to some other highly rated toilets, but for a quick fix they do the job.

Cleanliness: seven out of 10

Quality of mirror: six out of 10

Location: six out of 10

Smells: seven out of 10

Overall experience: five out of 10

Bramall Music Building 

Although a slightly rogue addition, the toilets in the Music Building are a definite top three for me; something of a hidden gem.

Consistently clean and in a convenient area on campus they are modern and often empty with a lovely set of mirrors covering the whole wall. These toilets are also great if you are keen to experience a mid-toilet trip performance; I was once serenaded by a musical talent warming up in a cubicle next door.

All in all, these are a solid choice and never disappoint, but there is always room for improvement.

Cleanliness: nine out of 10

Quality of mirror: 10 out of 10

Location: eight out of 10

Smells: nine out of 10

Overall experience: nine out of 10

Guild underground toilets

Be honest – have you ever stepped into these toilets in the day or even sober? Well for the purpose of this assessment, I have, and let me tell you it was nothing but a fever dream.

Without the endless queues and array of random costumes these toilets are very sub-par and the magic of sports night is the only thing that really brings them to life. The paint job is pretty bad in the light and the toilet is in the most inconvenient place on campus (unless its sports night of course). In the day, this toilet is ranked quite low in my books.

Cleanliness: six out of 10

Quality of mirror: six out of 10

Location:  four out of 10

Smells: seven out of 10

Overall experience: five out of 10

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