We asked ChatGPT how to survive Lancaster University’s Freshers’ Week and it was savage

Welcome to the start of Freshers’ Week! The roads of campus are filled with parents hauling boxes, the roundabout at the top of the drive is filled with college JCR members holding cardboard signs, and somewhere, the Sugarmouse is lurking. We don’t know where. But it’s around.

It’s the best or worst week of your life, depending on how you look at it, but either week, it’s one you’ve got to get through. We asked ChatGPT, oh fount of all knowledge and helping hand to stuck students, how to survive Freshers’ Week at Lancaster, and the wisdom it has spewed is unparalleled.

1. The College Wars: Choose Your Side Wisely

You’ll be thrown into a college at Lancaster, and, whether you realize it or not, you’re now in a low-key civil war. Expect rivalry with the other colleges for absolutely no reason other than tradition. Grizedale might throw shade at County, Furness might declare themselves the pub quiz champions for eternity, and Cartmel will probably just be chilling on the outskirts of campus, trying to avoid the drama.

Tip: Lean into the rivalry. Come up with bizarre reasons why your college is better: “Fylde’s stairs make you a warrior” or “Pendle’s witches mean we have literal magic.” No one will question it.

Your college is relevant, but not relevant enough to start beef with someone that might last longer than a chant whilst waiting for the Sugar bus on a night out in Freshers’ Week. Funny, but excessive.

2. The Freshers’ Fair Freebie Frenzy

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The Freshers’ Fair is like trick-or-treating for students – except instead of candy, you’re after discount pizza, pens you’ll lose in five minutes, and tote bags that will multiply in your room like gremlins. Societies will tempt you with promises of free pizza, but beware – this is how you end up signing up for “Extreme Ironing Club” and “Cheese Society.”

Tip: Wear your most casual clothes and your best “I’m interested but not that interested” face, so you can sneak away from overly enthusiastic Frisbee teams. But also, take the pizza – you’ll need it to survive the student budget life.

Now, this AI has clearly been listening to someone. This may be the only time I would ever recommend listening to an AI: do what it says, and take the pizza.

3. Surviving Sugarhouse

Ah, the Sugarhouse – a place where sweat, spilled drinks, and questionable life decisions converge. The student-run nightclub is a rite of passage, but brace yourself for a night of cheesy music, neon face paint, and bumping into people from your course while you’re mid-YMCA.

Tip: Pre-book tickets and pre-drink heavily (with water, obviously). Prepare to come out smelling like a deep-fried nightclub floor and expect the “why are we queuing for chips at 3am?” existential crisis.

When has anyone, ever, done the YMCA at Sugar? Are we living in the 90s? And the chips are the main reason for going out, no one should ever doubt that purchase.

4. Navigating Campus: Lost on The Spine

Lancaster’s campus is one big maze disguised as a university. The Spine – Lancaster’s version of a yellow brick road – will take you to most places, but that doesn’t mean you won’t get lost trying to find County South or the back of the Sports Centre. Expect to get hopelessly confused between the North campus and South campus divide and hear the phrase: “Wait, I thought we were meeting at the Greggs in town?”

Tip: Always leave 10 extra minutes for getting lost, and act like you’re checking something really important on your phone while wandering in circles. Trust me, we’ve all been there.

If you’re heading to Bowland North, I’d leave longer than 10 minutes extra.

5. The Great Lancaster Weather Gamble

One moment, it’s sunny, and you’re in shorts, feeling optimistic. The next moment, you’re in the middle of a monsoon, and your shoes are now swimming pools. Lancaster weather does what it wants, and frankly, it’s out to get you.

Tip: Always carry an umbrella. You will need it. Bonus points if you bring a big enough one to shield your new friends, and voila—you’re already the most popular person on campus.

• AI has never considered that whatever umbrella you bring, you have to keep in a lecture theatre with you. Always have one in your bag, yes, but a coat is a good idea too.

6. College Bars: Where Legends (and Embarrassing Moments) Are Made

Each college has its own bar, and during Freshers’ Week, they’re like mini soap operas. Expect pub quizzes where your lack of general knowledge will be publicly shamed, karaoke where Wonderwall will be sung badly for the 100th time, and pub crawls that inevitably end in confusion about which bar you were supposed to go to next.

Tip: Don’t challenge the locals to pool – you will lose. Stick to darts; at least no one expects you to be good at that.

Locals? In a college bar? Does it know about Lonsdale Bar? Unless you happen to be in Grizedale or Fylde, I wouldn’t listen to them – they aren’t likely to feature that heavily in your life beyond Freshers’ Week.

7. Freshers’ Flu: The Only Thing That’s Definitely Going to Happen

You’ll start the week feeling invincible and end it with Freshers’ Flu – a rite of passage so inevitable it might as well be part of the curriculum. You’re going to meet hundreds of people, go to crowded events, and forget what vitamins are.

Tip: Stock up on painkillers, Lemsip, and tissues. Consider making a sacrificial offering to the student gods (or maybe just eat an apple) to fend off the impending illness. Bonus points if you bring some Lemsip to the club—you’ll be a hero.

Not that far off, but do NOT bring Lemsip to Sugar unless you want to lose any cool points with your new friends.

8. The Freshers’ Group Chat Overload

Within the first hour of arrival, you will be added to about 10 new WhatsApp groups. Your flat, your college, your course, random club nights… you name it, there’s a group chat for it. They will all be constantly buzzing, and you’ll be trying to figure out who half the people are for weeks.

Tip: Mute the group chats immediately. Check in when needed, but don’t let them consume your phone’s battery—or your sanity.

Group chats can be a really good way to make friends before your course starts, put names to faces when you do start and make plans to meet up before and after classes.

9. Food: How Many Times Can You Eat at Greggs?

Let’s face it – cooking during Freshers’ Week is ambitious. Most meals will consist of instant noodles, takeaway, or a highly scientific combination of frozen pizza and crisps. You’ll become overly familiar with Greggs in Alexandra Square and start to judge anyone who hasn’t memorized the prices of sausage rolls.

Tip: Try cooking at least one actual meal in Freshers’ Week so you can tell your family you’re eating well. Don’t worry—no one will know it was just pasta with jarred sauce.

There’s a Spar on campus, as well as LUSU Shop (formerly known as Central). Both are stocked with goodies, as well as fruit and vegetables. Of course, there’s also the discounted first Hello Fresh box you can get if your parents are getting really worried.

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