Calling all campus crappers: Here’s a definitive ranking of the best toilets at King’s

If you’re anything like me then the idea of going to the toilet on campus does not fill you with joy. Unfortunately, it is often a necessity which presents itself at inopportune times. But now, thanks to this handy guide, you’ll always know where to go when you need to go. I’ll guide you through the difficult choice of where to go to dump out and where to go to experience the most luxurious of pooing locations. Here’s a guide of where you should and shouldn’t go to the loo at university:

Strand Building- 4/10

The Strand Building offers a variety of choices for where you can drop off the kids at the pool. The loos by the entrance do not offer a tempting choice. The locks on the stalls are really very flimsy and do not inspire a great amount of confidence. The dryers are fine, Dyson Airblades always get my vote, but the whole ambience makes it feel dingy and low-tech.

The options don’t get much better the higher or lower you go; in the bowels of the building you may find a nice private spot for a poo break but this is largely owed to the fact that it’s a bit of a trek to go down that many stairs just for a poo. Overall, the Strand Building, similar to its architecture, offers something of a disappointment when it comes to toilets, but they’ll do in times of dire need.

The Maughan Library- 6/10

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The Maughan offers something of a metaphor for King’s itself. Beautiful on the outside with its neo-gothic architecture, the toilets offer a starker picture of university life. Their drab interiors represent the sad, utilitarian aspect of the university, you’ll find no fancy dryers here. There are highlights though. On the ground floor, you’ll find cool suction toilets that whisk away your dirty little secret in the blink of an eye and on the second floor, there lurks a secret gem.

The secret gem is, of course, the sex toilet on the second floor. This toilet is very spacious and contains a lovely, comfortable-looking chair (my research remit did not go so far as me wanting to sit on it). This toilet, or so it is rumoured, is the perfect place for all your “extra-curricular” activities. I am sure that the intentions for putting a chair in a toilet are good, no doubt a good-faith attempt to make your experience a little more comfortable, but unfortunately the reality falls short.

King’s Building, under the grand staircase– 8/10

Fancying a poo with a view? Look no further than underneath the grand staircase of the King’s Building. You may cast your mind back to imagine you are pooing with the King’s students of yesteryear or, as you go in look at the statue of Socrates and Sappho, wonder whether the Ancient Greeks would have liked to poop as we do.

The window gives this bathroom a lightness rarely offered and may lift your spirits as you drop your trousers. The primary drawback of this loo is its busyness. You’ll rarely find a stall-free at the peak hours of the day, and, if you do, you may run the risk of someone hearing a light splash as you release your lunch into the bowl.

Bush House- 10/10

Fantastic, I love them.

Bush House offers the sleekest and most up-to-date pooing experience. With the Dyson Airblade 9kJ there’s very little else a toilet needs to do to impress me but Bush House goes all out. In the main building, you’ll find sleek white furnishings reminiscent of a spaceship that makes me feel like I’m pooping into a bright future.

The stakes really increase in Bush House South East. I had my first encounter with the second-floor toilets in this building just a few weeks ago and it’s fair to say I was blown away. Instead of white, you’ll find glossy black stalls which are, like in the main building, sturdy and reach the floor. If you’ve ever wondered what it feels like to poo in the death star, I think this is the closest you’ll get.

The best part is that the Bush House SE has proper gender-neutral toilets, separate from either men’s or women’s, truly it is the most inclusive of places to drop a fat log.

New Hunt’s House, the library- 7.5/10

The unfortunate truth about King’s is that it’s more than just Strand Campus. Guy’s Campus, the home of doctors, dentists and scientists. The location of that most terrifying of places Guy’s Bar. But we’re not here to debate if humanities or sciences are better, we’re here to talk about toilets and NHH offers some areas of insight that even I can’t fault.

The visionaries at NHH have installed toilets with douches and with bidets. This is the true innovation that excites. For these two simple things, they get a fairly high score. They also have Dyson Airblades, unfortunately, they are not the futuristic 9kJ, but I guess you can’t have everything. They also smell really very bad which is a shame. NHH also offers gender-neutral toilets which is a big tick.

Guy’s Bar and The Vault- 3/10

The only reason to ever use either the Guy’s Bar or Vault toilets is if you are out drinking. They contain troughs, the lowest of all possible places to pee. The stalls are often broken or have sick in and around them which makes them a very poor pooping choice. The best use of these toilets is a Tactical Chunder on a heavy night and apart from this there’s really very little point in them.

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