All the people you need to cut out of your life
Leave (Get Out)
The weather’s getting warmer, and there’s a great freedom which comes with the end of winter. It’s a time for spring cleaning, for the removal of everything that makes you feel worse about yourself. Dust, heavy grey knitwear, bad people. Identify the ones in your life, and swiftly get rid. Your aura will be cleansed and you’ll feel better for it.
The friend who always bitches to you about your other friends
This just means I know you’re doing it about me when I’m not there. Oh, and it’s fucking boring when all you do is whine.
Your friend from uni who’s getting married
What the fuck happened? I can remember the night in second year that we only refer to now as “the Hog Roast”. You sobbed as I cradled you, tears seasoning my half of the Domino’s feed four for £20. I know you regretted that night, we all did. After your very precise and graphic recounting we all felt shame. But marriage? Fucking marriage? You’ve gone from two dicks, half a tub of vaseline and a rampant rabbit to one solitary sexual partner. Forever.
I won’t let you drag me down too.
Girl you went to school with who is now pregnant
She used to be fun, and while the idea of buying tiny Converse is just great, you really don’t have anything in common with her anymore.
Your flaky mate
“Let’s meet up for drinks this weekend! We’re going to be out near you tonight, definitely come!” “Oh my god yes, haven’t seen you in ages, I definitely will!”
They definitely won’t.
The friend you haven’t seen in ages but must see soon
Do you think it’s a coincidence that every time you make plans, one of you suspiciously falls ill/has to work late/has a family emergency? Face it, the relationship is dead – stick to sending “Miss your face!” WhatsApps every so often and be done with it.
The guy you’ve been speaking to for ages but never actually want to meet
You’ll message him most days – normally in the evening if you’re bored. Sure you’ll flirt a little, tell him about your day, and you actually have a lot to talk about. But you never actually want to meet him. He probably looks nothing like his pictures, his chat might not be as good in person – but mainly you’re just happy with your little thing you’ve got going already.
People who only talk to you when they want something
Every time you get that “Hey, how are you?” message, you start racking your brains for what they actually want. Maybe it’s just someone to accompany them on a night out, maybe they need a place to crash, or maybe they want to find out some gossip. You’ll always have fun when you’re with them – they’re charming, funny and you actually get on quite well – but there’s always something in it for them. They’ll be a perfectly good friend when it suits them, but they won’t be there if there’s something else they’d rather be doing.
People who were fun at uni, but are now vanilla in the real world
There’s always one group you went to uni with you’ve gone really, really boring. Look around. You don’t really want to be at this party do you? All the boys are wearing checked shirts, everyone’s talking about their job guyat an insurance firm, and there’s beer pong. It’s hard to imagine it now but Ben over there spouting mortgage advice was once swinging his shirt around his head, puking all over your shoes every goddamn Wednesday night. He’s grown up too fast, you haven’t grown up at all, let the relationship go.
Your mate from school who wants to smoke weed every weekend
How can they afford to do this?
Basically anyone who smokes weed
We’re not 15 anymore, and nobody should ever wear harem pants with that amount of reckless abandon. They still have a paisley wall hanging up in their room. You look bad together.
Your boring mate who looks at how many calories are in the food she consumes
They probably have the “my fitness pal” app on their phone. Questions need to be answered. Why do they care how much fat is in a bowl of granola? Do they actually have nothing better to do?
Person who can’t go out without doing coke
It’s 6pm on a Thursday and they’ve made a “light-hearted joke” about whether or not we’ll be picking up in another drinks time. You’re concerned, you’re freaked out, but most of all you’re exhausted. Either they’re so boring without coke that they fall asleep before midnight, inexplicably more drunk than everyone else, or you end up going along with them and their unquenchable thirst for coke, don’t enjoy it, and really really regret it. For the sake of your heart and your finances, ditch them until they grow out of it.
That friend you met on holiday
You swore to hang out back in the UK. But now, you’re friends on facebook, you have every opportunity to message them but you don’t. Cull them, it’s too awkward.
Your childhood friend who’s got really racist
You used to think Rob was cool. Nice guy, nice family, good fun. But now he keeps sharing Britain First things on Facebook and makes fun of you for getting with an Asian guy. Don’t share that Timehop with him, it’s mortifying.
Your friend who is always 45 mins late
It’s just rude. You’re an adult now, learn how to manage your time.
That guy you slept with in Zante four years ago that you still have on Facebook
He always posts pictures of him and his new girlfriend dining out. It’s probably a bit weird you’re still Facebook friends.
Your ex boyfriend’s mum who you still have on Facebook
She probably will take it really personally as she only has 20 friends – but realistically, when are you ever going to see her again?
The friend who always asks to borrow money but never pays you back
They’ll be the one relentlessly begging you for a night out, going on about how great it will be and how boring you are for staying at home. They’ll suggest you get a taxi instead of the bus, of course, and mention that they’re strapped for cash as they’re hopping out. “I’ll pay you back next week, I promise.”
Your mate who ‘has a drug problem’
Shut up, Lisa. Everyone did a bit of K at uni, you’re fine.
Your best friends from school that you only see when you go home
This is sad because you look forward to seeing them so so much. There’s an innocent joy in going back to where you grew up, to the people you grew up with. It’ll be just like old times, you think! Yeah. Too much like old times. In school the four of you talked non-stop, saw each other every minute every day, and it was never weird. But now two pints in the conversation has dried up entirely. You stare into your empty glass and wonder what you talked about at school – result! It was school and all the other bitches you know. You’ll spend the rest of the evening talking about this. About school. About people you used to know, bars you used to sneak into, about who’s got fit and who’s got married. Because that’s all you have to talk about. We’ve all moved on from school, and while we pretend that these relationships are still enough, we’re just staying stuck in the past. It’s not worth it. But at the same time, omg how rough does Becky from Chemistry look now?!
The guy you’re getting with who has a girlfriend
Look, I know it’s fun at the time. And you think you’re above the whole thing. Neither of you ever mention her. You’re both just having fun. It’s never awkward. But it’s a ticking time-bomb, and one you need to step away from. Eventually, one of two awful things will happen. She will find out, and immediately you’ll feel terrible. You instantly become Becky With The Good Hair, the girl groups of friends bitch about, the person who ruined everything. Or, you catch feelings, which will inevitably never be reciprocated despite what you might convince yourself. You’re hurtling towards a precipice, best to stop it before it goes too far.
You said you didn’t want to be one of those couples that just cut off all contact after breaking up, but it turns out you actually do.
Your side-piece/backburner relationship
Yeah, he’s easy on the eyes, sometimes quite funny and quite good in bed – but you know it won’t ever go any further than that. You don’t want him to meet your parents, your friends aren’t a fan but he’ll always be there when you ring him after a night out. Jason, it’s been nice.
The person who only ever talks about their boyfriend
“Alexander and I went there last week! It was excellent. Alexander took me to this lovely little restaurant and they drew love hearts in the chocolate for dessert. Alexander has a jumper just like that, except his is blue.” You have only ever heard her boyfriend refer to himself as “Alex” and, come to think of it, you’ve only met him twice. So why does he feature so much in your conversations with this friend? You know his birthday, his favourite foods, the music he likes to listen to, how caring and considerate he is as a partner (suspiciously, never anything about how he is in bed). Why doesn’t your friend ever ask about your love life? Or, while we’re at it, why doesn’t your friend ask about your life in general? It’s because she doesn’t care. Tune out the boyfriend chat and stop making plans with her. She’ll be back in touch when they break up, but don’t feel like you have to put up with the fallout either.
Your mate who always cheats on nights out
It’s obvious to everyone except Maria and Charlie that they should not be together. You’re mates with both of them – always closer to one than the other – and it makes it awkward that although they Snapchat and share photos on Facebook and sometimes they bail on you to go to brunch alone, Maria gets off with other people every time you’re out. She’s not happy, and you want to help her, but you’re not going to be able to help her as she’s crying on you in the toilets after getting off with a bloke she just met in the smoking area. She feels bad about it, but every time it happens that bad feeling gets weaker and weaker. She’s relying on you to be her guilty conscience, to pretend you didn’t see it, to “please please don’t tell anyone it’s not a big deal”, and every time you go along with it for the sake of avoiding drama you buy into the bullshit a little bit more. She spends all night grinding on other people on the dancefloor. She’s not even that much fun. Cut and run.
The mate who’s really obsessed with getting with people
For fuck’s sake, Hugh, can we not go out for a few Wednesday night pints without you dragging me over to the bar to try (and fail) to talk to women? Your company is enough for me. Is mine not enough for you?
Your friends who you only go to drinks with to save face
Julius Caesar was assassinated by his peers in the Theatre of Pompey in 44BC. He was stabbed, a lot, mainly in the back, by a group of Roman senators.
It’s getting towards three weeks, now, since you last replied on the WhatsApp thread, and it’s been twice as long since you actually saw any of the guys from school. Would they actually stab you in the back? Of course not. But it’s an effective metaphor for the long-planned conspiracy that will come to violent, pass-agg fruition when you try and organise a curry for your birthday.
By Roisin Lanigan, Tom Jenkin, Bobby Palmer, Oli Dugmore, Bella Eckert, Grace Vielma, Daisy Bernard, Lizzie Thomson and Matt McDonald.