Seriously, people who wear glasses are fit
All the better to see you with
Here is a brief but by no means comprehensive list of insults and nasty comments I’ve received as a girl who wears glasses. There are the obvious ones – four eyes, specky – and the funny singsong ones (“boys don’t make passes at girls who wear glasses”). And there are the nasty ones, obviously.
Someone once told me I looked like Thora Birch in Ghost World. A drunk guy at a bar shouted loudly that “Ugly Betty had just walked in”, which was a good one and got a few laughs (not from me). As a teenager, stuff like that can be devastating. And it’s why, for a long time, I spent a lot of money on contact lenses, and a lot of time trying not to scratch them out of my eyes (they’re seriously uncomfortable). I didn’t want to be known as a “girl with glasses”.
But actually, that’s fucking stupid.
Glasses frame your face, and this makes everyone look better: no, literally everyone. If you find a pair that suits your style and face-shape, you can pretty much hide everything. Bad hair day – glasses. Spot – glasses. Hangover – glasses. Breaking up with someone – glasses. Generally just pretty uninteresting as a person – glasses (no one will ever know how bland you are).
It works for Blair Waldorf, Zendaya, Emma Stone, Selena Gomez, Karlie Kloss, Emmy Possum, Vanessa Hudgeons, Eva Mendez, Zooey Deschanel and Cara Delevingne. Admittedly, do I look like Blair Waldorf, Zendaya, Emma Stone, Selena Gomez, Karlie Kloss, Emmy Possum, Vanessa Hudgeons, Eva Mendez, Zooey Deschanel or Cara Delevingne? No, but it’s pretty aspirational nonetheless.
A lot of it comes down, as every issue of the grim fashion magazine they keep in the Supersavers waiting room will tell you, to choosing the right pair. If you spend most of your time in thin, rimless glasses, you’ll look like a snooker player with your eyes cut in half and you’re not going to look fit (unless you’re Megan Fox and even then hers aren’t amazing, tbh). But thicker, square glasses are pretty much great on everyone.
Being known as a “girl who wears glasses” teaches you certain things. It teaches you that you can pretty much transform yourself with different pairs (and with contacts, when you can stand them). It teaches you how to take selfies without a flashy glare, through years of trial and error on MySpace and Bebo. It teaches you to nail the Velma from Scooby Doo voice (“my glasses, I can’t see without my glasses”).
Plus glasses give you stuff to do with your hands: not the nerdy pushing up the bridge of your nose stuff, but the playing with the legs or biting them or sometimes taking them off all together so you can put your head in your hands and everyone will know how busy and stressed and important you are. All of these are valuable life skills.
And, though it’s a pretty tired cliche, you have to admit that glasses do make you look semi-smart and sophisticated. Obviously, wearing a school uniform and being told I looked like Thora Birch, my glasses were more nerd than nerd chic, but as an adult, I’ve realised I can rely on them to make me look at least a little more professional and put together. If you’re wearing some nice tortoiseshells, that pretty much subsumes the fact that you’re short and unprepared for life and usually have crumbs in your hair, right?
The turning point, by the way, was this:
You might not believe me, you might not believe my mum who told me “honestly, they look pretty!” after the optician said I had astigmatism, but you cannot argue with Elle Woods or Posh Totty and their YSLs.