The funniest Tripadvisor reviews of London clubs

U ok hun?

People who leave Tripadvisor reviews are furious pedants. They are hard to please; they often zero in on details that others might consider broadly irrelevant.

At a restaurant, these reviewers expect good food and good service. But those who visit clubs expect something more ineffable, a “vibe” that is hard to define but also – clearly – hard to nail. One person was “optimistic” but discovered the club he was in was only suitable if you “were looking to hook up with a 40-year old while listening to the Macarena”. Another would have “expected more” in a place where pints cost £5.50, though does not clarify what “more” they wanted. And another was fobbed off by promises of a breakfast that disappointed.

Obviously all of the reviews below express the view of the individual commentator and are not the opinions of The Tab.


“Wail of a time”

Tell 'em

“Leroy out”


“She actually put her hands under my bra”

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Then again, there are those who “have flown to London specifically” to visit.

Get a room

Get a room

Bodo Schloss

“A tidy quarry we did not expect”. Tempo “spot on”.

The target clientele


“Worst club in London if not the country”

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“Bubbles, balloons and boogying”

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Tiger Tiger 


All about the pints

All about those pints

Thanks Tiger Tiger PR

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Dalston Superstore

“Tramped like sardines”

Thanks for that David

Thanks for that David

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Ministry of Sound

“Waist time”

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Still drunk?


“Hot beeyatches”

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What are 'hot beeyatches' anyway?


Walkabout is not famed for its food.

Don't you know it's the most important meal of the day?

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Zoo Bar

“Catch the call”

You go to club to learn English?

You go to club to learn English?

Someone didn't pull

Someone didn’t pull