The funniest Tripadvisor reviews of London clubs

U ok hun?

People who leave Tripadvisor reviews are furious pedants. They are hard to please; they often zero in on details that others might consider broadly irrelevant.

At a restaurant, these reviewers expect good food and good service. But those who visit clubs expect something more ineffable, a “vibe” that is hard to define but also – clearly – hard to nail. One person was “optimistic” but discovered the club he was in was only suitable if you “were looking to hook up with a 40-year old while listening to the Macarena”. Another would have “expected more” in a place where pints cost £5.50, though does not clarify what “more” they wanted. And another was fobbed off by promises of a breakfast that disappointed.

Obviously all of the reviews below express the view of the individual commentator and are not the opinions of The Tab.


“Wail of a time”

“Leroy out”


“She actually put her hands under my bra”

Then again, there are those who “have flown to London specifically” to visit.

Get a room

Bodo Schloss

“A tidy quarry we did not expect”. Tempo “spot on”.


“Worst club in London if not the country”


“Bubbles, balloons and boogying”


Tiger Tiger 


All about those pints

Dalston Superstore

“Tramped like sardines”

Thanks for that David

Ministry of Sound

“Waist time”

Still drunk?


“Hot beeyatches”


Walkabout is not famed for its food.


Zoo Bar

“Catch the call”

You go to club to learn English?

Someone didn’t pull