Avian chaos: Here’s every seagull-related incident which happened this week
Can we just cull them already
Described across publications as “crazed”, “psychotic” and a “menace”, seagulls have become public enemy number one this week after a string of vicious attacks – and the media has been there every step of the way.
As often is the case, it started with petty crime – a man in Bath reported a seagull to the police after it nicked his sandwich, whilst a gull in Dublin flew off with a grandmother’s mobile phone.
Meanwhile, in Germany, another brazen theft was carried out after an inquisitive gull robbed a tourist of his GoPro camera.
The bird proceeded to fly around for a bit while the camera was still recording, just to rub it in the victim’s face.
But it appears that robbery alone wasn’t enough for the twisted creatures, who soon graduated to murder to satisfy their insatiable bloodlust. In Renfrewshire, a cannibal seagull gulped down an innocent starling in an act which an onlooker described as “vicious beyond belief”.
And poultry wasn’t the only thing on the menu: greedy gulls in Cornwall set their sights on a pet tortoise which they reportedly left “drowning in its own blood”, whilst “giant seagulls” in Ireland went all Drogon on a flock of terrified sheep, leaving them with such extreme injuries some ewes had to be put to sleep.
Irish Examiner calling for a seagull cull today pic.twitter.com/lKAWsizes6
— Daragh Brophy (@DaraghBroph) July 23, 2015
The most harrowing moment of the week came when Roo, an adorable Yorkshire terrier from Newquay, was slaughtered by homicidal herring gulls.
But Roo’s death was not in vain – it may have helped save the lives of Simon Cowell’s dogs Squiddly and Diddly, who have been fitted with protective helmets to ensure they don’t meet a similar fate.
As the gull related incidents began heating up Whitehaven councillor Graham Roberts launched a tirade against what he called “flying rats”, saying he saw a seagull steal an 8-year-old boy’s ice cream. Claiming he “didn’t have a hatred for birds”, the councillor still went on a ferocious rant befitting a man who genuinely believes that seagulls steal ice cream because they feed on the tears of innocent children.
Even the PM himself waded in, announcing that he’d set aside £250,000 to battle the threat. Cameron was quick to add that he didn’t have a grudge “against the entire seagull population” though, despite the fact that one had stolen the ham out of his sandwich in the “distant past.” Christ Dave, get over it.
Equally bitter was the Yorkshire Post’s Neil McNicholas, who decided that seagulls were after his food and thus made the logical decision that we should ruthlessly and systematically murder them.
The only person more anti-gull was Katie Hopkins, who spouted some predictable bile in her column about how she’d “shoot the chuffing lot”.
While the PM was berating the birds for his long-lost lunch, authorities in Skegness were considerably kinder to their feathered friends. They took the time out to inform the public that they haven’t had a problem with seagulls, just in case anyone gave a shit.
Meanwhile, on Fleet Street, The Guardian’s Patrick Barkham weighed in. His John Lennon-esque declaration that “seagulls are not terrorists” was met with dropped jaws and rapturous applause. At least he didn’t go full-Daily Star and try and interview one.
Welsh councillors also spoke out in defense of the birds, saying depriving them of our chips would in some cases breach religious rights – obviously missing the point that it’s us feeding them that’s causing seagulls to go absolutely batshit crazy.
In Ibiza, seagulls were given a taste of their own medicine: one fell victim to a cruel prank when tourist Josh Greenwood was accused of feeing it a chip laced with ketamine.
He later said it was “just salt”, and told us he and his family had received death threats in the aftermath of the video.
As if spiked chips weren’t enough, cheery Bridport residents went a step further when they poisoned a seagull and dumped it on the doorstep of a police station, confirming our suspicions that everyone in Dorset is just a bit fucking weird.
A video also emerged of a golfer literally making a seagull explode with a badly timed drive, although we’re willing to accept that one may have been a well-timed accident.
With gulls starting to turn on humans in an uprising of Skynet proportions, we’re probably going to need a lot of those golf balls – Gull Awareness Group spokesman Simon Prentis even called for a cull yesterday, deeming it only a matter of time before seagulls start attacking babies. “I would not wish it on anybody but we’re headed in that direction”, he said.
Whether we’re facing seagull armageddon or not, one thing is becoming very clear. It’s like something out of The Birds.