10 tips on getting rid of a one night stand

Something that faces the vast majority of young people, university students especially, is the idea that the more people you can get to drop their panties, the better.

So you’ve spent the evening toning the shit out of your skin, deep conditioning your hair (in an attempt to conceal the years of GHD abuse), and have shaved every single hair on your body.

After you’ve had one too many jagerbombs and you’ve taken the poor sod back, the deed is to be done. In the rise of ‘lad culture’ most people would expect to wake up to find he has already left your boudoir and is currently facing the 7am walk of shame to go and show his mates your profile picture, but some are not so lucky… here’s some handy tips for how to remove said one night stand-er.

Tell him you’ve got incredibly important errands to run this morning, e.g combing your eyebrows or bleaching your tash

Warn him you’re grandparents are on their way over for breakfast and they’re bringing their 12cm thick photo album of their dog Cookie

Pretend to be dead

Tell him your 7ft boyfriend is coming over and apologise profusely

Tell him how excited you are to pick out curtains for your house together in the future and show him your mind map of baby names

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Confide in him that you’re really insecure about the fact that you were once a boy and cry in disbelief that someone so great would sleep with you

Tell them that last night was soooo good and thank them for making no comment on the fact you threw up on their lap

Run away

Lie on the floor front down and start ‘mooing’ until he leaves

If all else fails, then just full on shit yourself – no pain no gain

If you have attempted all tips and he STILL sticks around, he might just be a keeper. Or a creep. Probably a creep.

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