ATB FC – Battle of the Titans

ATB’s first double-match night got off to an inauspicious start with ‘Old Man’ Obi declaring himself unable to play as the damp weather was causing his tricky hip to play up.

So, with only one substitute and terrible fitness levels, we headed off to face the unbeaten ‘Gary Glitter’s U-15s’.

The reds got off to a bright start thanks to an uncharacteristically superb finish from Polish number nine Sawko – this goal was later avenged by giving the striker a swift ‘accidental’ kick in the head.

The calm before the storm…

This turned out to be the high point of a disparaging evening for the Boys. The Glitters found an aggressive streak reminiscent of their hero, continually pounding our goal and leaving the Boys feeling violated.

ATB were clearly short of fitness with ‘athletic’ midfielder Atherton knackered after an initial energetic five minutes – so much so that he seemed to forget how to run properly.

Although super-sub Powell managed to inject some energy into the team with a tireless performance evoking memories of Dirk Kuyt in his prime, even Sam ‘the Wall’ Butler paired with Brown in defence were unable to hold back the tide. The U-15s managed an easy 4-1 victory.

Most Read

Celebrity Traitors’ Sebastian Croft had three year relationship with co-star, and none of us knew

Wow, You’re Beautiful earns Celebrity Traitors’ James Blunt an obscene amount of money each day

Christa Pike ‘angry’ as she shares message from prison after surviving lethal injection

Atherton trying to run, and failing

With a sense that a loss had always been expected against the table-toppers, Manager Maticevic was keen to move on with a win against mid-table rivals Vets FC.

Despite our tired legs, The Boys were holding out well against the bully-boy Vets team until a shocking error by Davies let a tame shot dribble through his legs and open the floodgates for the probable Zoophiles.

This humiliating mistake set the tone and despite some mazy runs by Brown and an assured performance from an injured Maticevic – the gangly goalies’ mistakes did not end there. A shot at the near post somehow squeezed past a demoralised Davies, and made a simple positional error allowing the Vets’ novelty player to slide an easy shot into the near post, to the embarrassment of the Boys.

Shortly before the 2nd most embarrassing goal of the night

With a final score of 4-0 it was a humbling night for ATB FC and Davies’ consoling words of “at least we don’t have to stick a hand up a horse’s arse for a living” not doing much to raise spirits, especially as the consensus was that the keeper was to blame for the loss. With our tails between our legs we headed home having fallen to 15th in the table.