Apparently, only Cool Girls watched last night’s Super Bowl

Congratulations to the Baltimore Orioles for winning the 2017 Super Bowl after an incredible slam dunk by Leonardo Da Vinci!  “Why does she know so much about football?” you’re probably asking yourself.  Well my friends, it’s because I am what most people refer to as a “cool girl.”

What’s a cool girl?  If you ask that you probably aren’t one so let me help.  A cool girl is the perfect combination of a feminine, dainty woman who needs help lifting a dandelion but who can also kick it with the guys.  If you can regurgitate unconnected facts about sports like I did in the first sentence of this article, you can become the girl of every man’s dream.  As I already made extremely clear, I watched the Super Bowl last night.  Not only that, but I watched it for the football part. 

So many girls who are close to being cool mess it up with their excitement about the commercials or the half time show.  Never mind, the endless hours of hard work that go into creating both of these things.  What’s really chill and sexy is when you can tell a guy every single fact about every single player on every single football team.  For example, perhaps you could recite each players’ blood type by memory.  You could also read aloud an official record of every time each player took a shit since they were born.  These are just some simple ways you can show that you pay attention.  So study up, Little Lady Boring, because it’s time to take interest in what you loathe so that Greg from biology class thinks you’re hot as shit.

You did your research and now you can speak like a guy, but slow down there, sweet lassie.  Ya still can’t take on any masculine qualities!  You better paint on a face so unrecognizable from your own that people almost don’t let you into the party.  You then have to drink seven beers and eat chips while maintaining a tight ass and a 23 inch waist.  Don’t think you can drink less and don’t think that you’re allowed to act sloppy once you’ve had the seventh.  You must maintain your composure as you keep up with the guys. 

If you’ve had sex with the aforementioned Greg every night for the past month and he’s called you his soulmate, stay cool when he makes vulgar comments about the cheerleaders.  If  you challenge comments like “I wanna work that bitch like a puppet, but I don’t wanna know her name,” how do you think you’ll be doing on the the Cool Girl Scale?  That’s right, you’ll be knocked right back down to zero and the scale goes all the way up to Super Cool Girl.  Is that what you want? 

The purpose of my article is not to make you feel like you have to like football or watch the Super Bowl. It’s just to say that if you don’t, you’re probably not a very cool girl.  Keep trying to be the best you can be and remember it’s all about balance.  So if you have the impudence to burp after being aggressively pressured to drink seven carbonated beverages, you damn well better make sure you giggle and bat your eyelashes right after.  I know it’s hard ladies, but please have some self respect and morph yourself into the subject of men’s fantasies.