Lucille Bluth is the bitchy drunken grandmother we aspire to one day be

Who doesn’t want to be a Lucille Bluth?

Arrested Development, the cult sitcom about a wealthy family who lost everything and the one son who had no choice but to keep them all together, may actually — finally — return for a long-awaited fifth season. Okay, so they’ve been saying that like every year since the 2013 Netflix revival. But it sounds like it really is happening this time! They’re “really close to pulling it off,” okay?

This is exciting for a lot of reasons, including, in no particular order: the opportunity to stare at Portia de Rossi’s beautiful face and hair, the jokes that will inevitably be made at the expense of Donald Trump, all the new opportunities to shout “no touching” at your friends, the promotional “SLUT” t-shirts they should definitely make and sell, and of course, the return of everyone’s favorite intoxicated octogenarian, Lucille Bluth.

The word “goals” is at peak overuse right now, but I’m gonna say it anyway: Lucille Bluth is ultimate, ultimate goals (and so are both Jessica Walter and Kristin Wiig by association). Like, I’m-no-longer-terrified-of-aging-if-I-can-look-like-that-and-get-sloshed-all-day goals.

But you may still be asking yourself: her? Yes, her. Here’s why.

She goes after what she wants

Whether it’s getting her pot-addled lover (who also happens to be her husband’s twin brother) to purchase a third pair of pants or roping her grandson George Michael into participating in the annual Motherboy pageant, Lucille isn’t shy about pursuing her own interests — even if they’re in direct conflict with the interests of those around her.

She’s got style

If you’re vehemently anti-fur, maybe stop reading now, but if you’re not, it’s hard not to covet Lucille’s massive rack of fur coats (you know, the one she forced her housekeeper to transport to a storage unit by bus) and never-ending supply of Chanel suits. It’s even ballsier then you consider that she lives in California where it barely even gets cold enough for coats.

She knows how to turn on the charm

It’s true, Lucille is pretty salty most of the time. But she knows exactly when to turn on the charm — and that’s whenever she needs something from one of her kids. Crying out “I’ve been a terrible mother” usually works, but if not, there’s always getting fake teary about her jailed husband.

She’s honest

Maybe it’s just the booze talking, but Lucille rarely has a problem saying what’s on her mind. Like, she doesn’t care for Gob, okay? And there’s no reason she should bottle that shit up. Plus, Buster’s glasses really do make him look like a lizard, and Tobias does have absolutely no future as an actor.

She won’t hear it and she won’t respond to it

This is the best possible response for literally anything anyone says to you that you don’t wanna deal with.

She knows how to rage

Not only did she drink Kitty under the table during spring break (woo), but she starts her day with a vodka rocks (and a piece of toast) and she can totally hold her booze — well, except for that one time she mistook the “drowsy eye” alcohol warning for a “winking-eye” alcohol suggestion. But who among us hasn’t fallen into that trap?

She inspired a hit movie

Thanks to her granddaughter Maeby’s secret life as a Hollywood producer, Lucille inadvertently inspired the horror film Gangee when she was walking around the house at night after having a facelift. Not the most flattering portrayal, but an accomplishment nonetheless.

She knows how to make men love her

How many people can say they’ve had a pair of twin brothers fight over them? Like, a solid number of us can’t even get one guy to text us back, let alone two who are brothers and have the exact same face.

She’s a worthy frenemy

As anyone who has ever had a frenemy knows, it’s a symbiotic relationship that requires a fair amount of upkeep. Whether she’s stealing her frenemy Lucille Austero’s construction crew to expand her own bathroom or cracking jokes about Lucille 2’s dead husband, Lucille Bluth never misses a beat, and that’s what makes her such a great frenemy.

She knows how to defend herself

From her rape horn and mace to the time she beat the shit out of a blue man in her kitchen, Lucille knows a thing or two about self defense, and we’re here for that even if, as Buster says, no one ever attempts to “r” her.