Questions I have about the ‘Sexiest Man Alive’ competition

Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson has been crowned People‘s Sexiest Man Alive. To me, this feel like a very random but, I guess, not entirely undeserved achievement. I mean, The Rock is sexy, right? Now that I’m really thinking about it, I’m like sure, why not. I wouldn’t kick the dude out of bed — not that I even physically could, because he is extremely muscular. The problem for me, I think, is that this competition poses significantly more questions than it does answers (actually, I take it back, it answers no questions other than whose publicist has the best ins at People magazine this year).

For example: How do they determine he’s the sexiest alive?

Did they survey every single dude on this planet?

What about other planets — are they in the mix?

It seems to me that they just surveyed 50 or so most famous men in the Western world and randomly selected one of them, and when you consider that fact, the achievement is suddenly feeling a lot less prestigious. Because there are a lot of sexy, un-famous dudes, and assuming you’re a believer, there’s no reason to imagine there aren’t some smoking hot alien men out there.

This isn’t a question really — I’m just saying.

More questions: How can there be a new Sexiest Man Alive every year when the previous Sexiest Man Alive is still alive?

At this point, aren’t there like 30 sexiest men alive?

How does that all work?

Oh, and how can some sexiest men alive — like Johnny Depp, Brad Pitt and George Clooney — be declared Sexiest Man Alive on multiple, non-consecutive years?

What about those years for those men were so much sexier than the years in between?

Was Depp really at his hottest in 2003 and 2009, and just significantly less sexy in the years between? If anything, I’d argue dude peaked in the ’90s during his Kate Moss/Edward Scissorhands era.

Going back to the whole ‘being alive’ thing, what’s the point of christening someone Sexiest Man Alive a second time if we’ve already determined just years earlier that they are sexy and alive?

They didn’t, as far as I know, die at any point in between and they clearly didn’t stop being sexy because here we are announcing their sexiness (and their status as living) once again, so clearly someone hasn’t thought this whole thing through.

Do the editors of People magazine know something we don’t?

Are some of these sexy men not technically alive?

Is this an episode of Westworld?

Is this an Illuminati thing?

Is Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson part of the Illuminati? I wouldn’t have guessed that. But then again, I wouldn’t have guessed he was the sexiest living male, so here we are.

Finally, and I know other people are gonna feel me on this, how is it that everyone’s favorite internet bae Ryan Gosling has never been the Sexiest Man Alive?

What about Idris Elba?

People like him, right?

Ostensibly more than Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson?

Oh, and what about fucking Barack Obama? He is definitely sexy, a man, and alive.

Right?

Right???

(Here’s to hoping the editors of People magazine and I can clear all this up before next year — until then I’ll just be here thumbing through the pages of the Sexiest Man Alive issue while I hyperventilate.)