What it’s like having a mom with an unexplained illness

I’ll never remember the Fourth of July the same ever again. It was the last normal day for my mom at least for a while. She was also experiencing things we now know as symptoms during the parade. I thought to myself, we should have paid more attention, maybe there was something we could have done to prevent this. The morning of the fifth, she went to the emergency room for an excruciating headache and back pain. For me it was like any other morning that quickly turned into my worst nightmare.

I came back from the gym, walked in the door and my dad broke the news to me. I can replay it in my head like it was yesterday. “Mom is okay, she’s having tests done she’s in the ER, last night a blood vessel burst in her head.” A million thoughts automatically ran through my head. When I heard blood vessel I went to anyone’s first reaction: it could be brain aneurysm, coma, cancer, all the impossible worst case scenarios.

Me and my mom have been thick as thieves since day one. She’s my best friend, the one I tell everything to, the one person I lean on. We may fight like sisters sometimes but at the end of the day I love her more than anything. She’s done everything for me growing up, she’s the one did the early morning drives to my horse shows, she drove me to every practice, bought everything I needed to succeed. She’s the reason I went into Women’s and Gender Studies, so how could this happen to the strongest woman I know? Why, if there is a God, would he pick my mom for this to happen to?

I’m a pretty open and emotional person when it comes to most things. I love to talk things out and I let others know how I feel. I thought when it came to grieving it would be the same. It ended up being the opposite, I ended up blocking out and pushing away the one family member who was trying to help – my dad. I couldn’t even process things, I didn’t want to see her in the hospital. I didn’t want to see her like that, suffering, in pain and scared.

When we drove to the hospital I took the Bible. I’m fairly new to religion, still have some doubts, but it’s been something to lean on, something to reason with. God became a person I could talk to when I didn’t know what to say, or didn’t want to talk to anyone else. I had to let him know he couldn’t take her from me, I needed her desperately.

Seeing her in the hospital was just as scary and horrifying as I knew it would be. She wasn’t allowed pain meds as she had to have tests done. I was crying and so was she. We were both terrified. I went out in the hallway and cried. The nurses asked if I was okay; did I look like I was okay? Telling me my mom is going to be okay, as nice as that was, wasn’t actually helpful at all. Throughout the next couple weeks we drove back and forth to the hospital several times a day. That was my life, everything else got put on the back burner. She went through numerous tests, had very little sleep, and no explanations, no diagnosis.

No one knew what caused her bleed and that was the most irritating, frustrating, scary thing. Could this happen again? Why did this happen in the first place? Was it still bleeding? She ended up leaving the hospital with no diagnosis which was absolutely ridiculous.

I couldn’t, and still don’t understand why the doctors didn’t do more. As a doctor you’re supposed to continue asking why until you end up with some sort of an answer that never happened and still hasn’t. Many things changed in the next couple of weeks, she couldn’t make the fun family gatherings, and it was the first year she couldn’t be around on my birthday, which was heartbreaking for both of us.

She went to continue her recovery and see more doctors in Indiana where we have family. We couldn’t understand her reasoning, nor did I want her to leave because I was already grieving her loss. I know she’s still here ,but grieving her loss refers to losing the person that was once there – when someone is in that much pain and is going through that much suffering they aren’t the same.

The worst is behind us for now and as far as we know. I’m thankful I have loving family, and friends, and an amazing boyfriend behind me for support who have helped me through this summer. I’m also thankful that I’m close to home that way I can drive at a drop of a hat from school and be there in 45 minutes if she needs me. I’ll be worrying about her probably every day from now on, but I’ve learned how to cope and live my life and worry about her at the same time.

It’s a careful balance but it can be done. I’ve grown up a lot in the last couple of years and especially this summer; I tell my loved ones how much I do love them every chance I get. I never take any moment for granted. I’m looking forward to my mother getting better and moving forward as a family. I’m so happy I live the life that I do and so lucky to have the strongest most loving, caring, generous, patient woman I know as my mother.