How to save your best friend from a toxic relationship
Don’t half ass it – third wheel them like white on rice and refuse to be sexiled
The hardest part of being best friends with someone in an obviously toxic or otherwise unhealthy relationship is watching it as the best friend.
Here are some tips on how to *politely* and unobtrusively put an end to it.
Cover their door with signs to distract them
Bedrooms => beds => sex.
Putting witty signs on their door will remind that they are entering your domain – and no one wants to have ‘fun’ on their irresponsible grandma’s bed.
Home to an irresponsible grandma and a box of trash bags
Rip the phone from her hand and hold it in the air
She’ll jump for it like a piñata but never reach it and eventually give up and fall asleep from exhaustion (or from tripping while jumping).
Note: This only works when you are taller than her and not ticklish
Become nuns
Convince her that you are now devoutly religious and must become a nun – but you would be lonely, so obviously she has to come too.
Join the local convent together and stroll around town in your habits – the whole nine (nun?) yards. After a week of Biblical verses as texts and “sexy ankle” Snapchats, he’ll run for the hills
Or just have a nun calendar at the ready
Subliminal onions
She’ll constantly be crying, and will thus associate crying with him – his clothes, cologne, texts, and more.
Eventually she’ll be red-eyed, sore and sick of tears and kick him to the curb.
The nefarious powers of onions
Third wheel
Refuse to be sexiled. As someone paying for half the room, you have the right to be there whenever you want. If you’re there 24/7, they can’t be. Only leave your room for showers and food. Sit in between them for movie night. Constantly ask questions such as “are you two going to hold hands now?” and if he goes for a kiss, shout “keep it PG! Child present” at the top of your lungs and point to yourself.
Use his body’s immune system against him
Does he have a mild allergy to hazelnuts? Eat Nutella with a spoon next to him on the couch.
Flowers? Buy a new plant to “spruce the place up”.
On a serious note, there’s a difference between toxic and abusive. If it’s toxic, there really isn’t much you can do but be there for her as the best girlfriend ever.
But if it goes into the realm of abuse – physical, emotional, or sexual – there are some red flags you can’t ignore, and even if you lose best girlfriend status, her safety takes priority.