Heartbreak can actually be a good thing

My face resembled a melting popsicle that would not cease to stop dripping.

My vision developed into a blurry picture as the fierce rays of sunlight hit my face. I couldn’t walk straight. I kept rubbing my hands on my face to wipe away the abundance of tears. As my breathing began to get heavy, my fingers began to shake slightly out of shock. I turned my head in the opposite direction of the road, so the people in their cars wouldn’t see me in this vulnerable state.

I could hear my heart violently striking against my chest as I had just been subjected to my first heartbreak.

Attending college in the Midwest was a big adjustment to say the least. I was introduced to a new way of life that was unfamiliar yet almost strange. Ultimately, I missed my old routine. I yearned for the expected once more.

However, unfortunately, there was one thing that would not cease to escape my mind – my ex.

We had started dating senior year of high school, and had mutually agreed to end our relationship before moving on to college. Well, he had pushed for it, and I agreed to it, not thinking that I would fall for him. In other words, we had agreed to make the ‘cliché’ decision that most high school couples of the 21st century decide, considering monogamy is not a term most college freshman are quite accustomed to.

Despite the fact he had broken my heart under multiple circumstances and had treated me quite insensitively after our breakup, I still could not get him out of my head. It was the sad reality that I was enduring each day while striving to start anew.

All in all, it was a difficult time for me. It was not until second semester that I was finally able to move on.

During this time, I had made a pact with myself I believed would help me avoid distressing heartbreak in the future.

I now understand that I should wait before sleeping with a man I am interested in until he is absolutely devoted to me. I think this is a way I can avoid a majority of heartbreak and agony. Accordingly, when I do sleep with someone who is completely dedicated to me and can genuinely say he loves me, I believe he will never leave me heartbroken. He will always care for my well being.

During my difficult first semester, I tried multiple times to be a ‘strong’ woman and to ‘grow a backbone,’ like my dad used to say when I started crying profusely on the way home after my violin teacher had yelled at me for not practicing sufficiently during the week.

Everyday after the breakup, I had the desire to scream and cry simultaneously, to capture the pain in a box and never lay eyes on it again. I yearned to announce my issues to the world and have someone do something about them, or better yet have some miracle transpire.

I knew the odds of that happening were definitely not in my favor. I had to rely on myself. My stability and sanity would have to power through. I knew I had to stay resolute, even if I was deteriorating slowly inside.

I had to trust that it would get better.

Little did I know, things started to look up for me in the boy department as the first weeks of college flew by.

One glorious morning during my 7:45 Chemistry Lab, a boy asked me to work with him. In that moment I did not even look up to acknowledge his presence. I simply replied with a quick yes, while rummaging through my backpack to find my laboratory notebook and manual.

To be frank, I had one goal in mind: to finish the lab in the time provided. After all, my top notch nerdy glasses were beginning to steam up and my hair continued to fall out of my bun one piece at a time. I could sense I was beginning to sweat profusely under the Wisconsin sweatshirt because my pit stains were clearly visible. I was quite sure no one would be looking my way on that particular day.

Thankfully, we finished the lab in time provided. Thus far, I still had not taken a good look at this boy’s face. I may have seemed antisocial and reserved, however I did not think twice. I left the lab completely disregarding the interaction that had just transpired.

“Hi Leila! How was your Weekend?” a friendly and familiar voice asked me as I sat down in Chemistry Discussion.

“It was great! Thanks for asking!” I replied, as I pulled out my huge Chemistry notebook not even making eye contact with the voice.

Finally, I looked at this boy’s face. Surprisingly, he was very good looking. Possessing an affable face with faint yet cute features. His nose had a delicate twist and his cheeks were almost rosy. He had light brown slightly curly hair. His smile was a little crooked, yet endearingly charming. His bluntness was strange to me, however I thought he was just being friendly. I still could not figure out why he has chosen to sit at my specific table and start asking about my weekend, but I just went with it.

After a couple more classes, I finally put two and two together. This boy was definitely into me. Every day he would sit at the same table and actively engage in conversation with me. Even though he wasn’t really my type (the polar opposite actually), I decided to see where some effort would take me. After all, it was flattering to know that someone had an interest in me.

“Hey, we should study for the upcoming test together!” I texted that afternoon.

A reply came maybe two hours later.

“Yes, of course, I need to study with someone that is a better chemist than me,” he texted in a rather amiable manner.

During this whole filtration episode, I still could not stop thinking about my ex. I knew that I needed to do something rather drastic, whatever that might be.

The Friday night before we were going to study together, I drunkenly texted him that I wanted to see him. He replied almost immediately inviting me over to his apartment. I barely knew this boy, but at the moment I thought it was a good idea to go.

I arrived at his apartment, and I started rambling on about my night and asking an assortment of questions, basically anything that came to my mind. More interestingly, one thing led to another, and we started making out. After a while, I knew that I did not want things to proceed any further, so I called it a night. He insisted on walking me back to my dorm that was all the way on the other side of campus. I knew my actions were somewhat abrupt, but I knew it was for ‘understandable’ reasons.

He continued to display interest during the next couple weeks, but I made the bold, yet difficult, decision to cut things off with him, considering I needed some space to get over my ex. However, we remained good friends, and he continually checked in on me every now and then.

Second semester began, and I obviously knew that he was still adamantly interested in me, which was still quite gratifying.

I was out with some friends one night.

“Hey, where are you? I want to see you?” I texted unexpectedly.

He told me to come over to his place. I began to make effortless small talk. Mid-sentence, he leaned in and began to kiss me quite passionately. One thing led to another, and we slept with each other.

That night, I broke the pact I had made to myself. Honestly, I was a little uncertain and ashamed of the choice I had made. I believed my pact would bring me strength, stability, and contentment. However, by breaking it, surprisingly, I felt empowered by finally having made a decision outside of my comfort zone. I had bravely ventured into unknown territory. It was an unprecedented occasion.

Maybe heartbreak is a good thing if you’re looking at it in an optimistic manner. It teaches you to toughen up and aspire to get over your emotional misery by turning to your ‘wild,’ bold self.

Who knows if we are going to start dating? I don’t want to sit here and analyze it. It feels good to not know. The unexpected is definitely siding with me this time.

So this is my advice – go be a little senseless, enjoy the people who truly love you, and always surround yourself with people who recognize and cherish your uniqueness.

They are the real deal.