How innocent compliments can be dangerous

As a society we love to tell women how beautiful they are, but sometimes the compliments can go awry. Often the implications of our well-intentioned compliments become off-color or perpetuate some really sexist ideas. Well that sounds like a really dangerous compliment to receive. What are some of these compliments, you might ask? Let’s just jump right in then.

‘You look gorgeous! Your dad better keep that shotgun ready’

Intent: I personally have heard this compliment one too many times. What they mean to say is “you look gorgeous and I’m sure many guys are attracted to you.”

Implication: The implication is that boys will be falling over you, often in unwanted ways to the extent that your father needs to be ready with his gun for something terrible to happen. This normalizes the idea that girls have to be reactionary victims to unwanted sexual advances. The statement points to its inevitability that guys will make those advances and warns girls, albeit in a well-intentioned and jestful way, to be prepared for that.

What’s really being said: “You look gorgeous! Be warned that in the future guys will probably make unwanted sexual advances on you because it’s a societal inevitability so you and your family best be prepared now!”

‘Have you ever thought about quitting your job and becoming a model?’

Intent: What people are trying to say is “you’re so attractive that you could really succeed in an industry where your appearance does matter!” It truly is well-intentioned and a comment on how beautiful you are, but it sometimes misses the mark.

Implication: This is a bit of a double whammy. Firstly, modeling is a serious profession. It IS a job. It isn’t some exotic vacation from work that only the beautiful are privileged to go on. Second, any girl can do anything and the idea that if you’re conventionally beautiful that you must be a model is ridiculous. Just because someone is attractive doesn’t mean they have to be in an industry that places value on appearance. That’s why they currently have another job that you just told them to quit.

What’s really being said: “Have you ever thought about quitting your job and becoming a model because that’s what pretty girls are good for?”

“Well at least you’re pretty.” *in response to a girl’s disappointment*

Intent: What they mean to say is “I know you’re disappointed and life hasn’t gone your way, but at least you’re beautiful and that has merit.”

Implication: My response to this is always “what the hell does it matter?” The implication is that being pretty means life is generally easier for you and while that may be true in limited cases (not addressed in this article), it doesn’t just make problems vanish. When a girl is disappointed that she lost her job or her proposal wasn’t accepted, being “pretty” isn’t nearly good enough. If she’s upset over a recent breakup, it doesn’t matter that she’s pretty. It belittles her frustration and invalidates her emotions.

Rewrite: “Well at least you’re pretty so your problems vanish into thin air, right…?”

‘You probably really distract the guys, huh?’

Intent: Yet again, the intention here is a comment on beauty. “You’re really attractive.”

Implications: Here the implication is a little creepier, suggesting that you’re the focus of attention for many guys, whether you want to be or not. Most people don’t even know how to respond to this compliment because it’s so awkward and sexually suggestive. Also it assumes that guys always prefer looking at hot girls instead of what they’re doing. God forbid a man actually enjoy his pursuits enough to pay attention. Why are so many compliments suggestive? It’s honestly detrimental to both genders.

What’s really being said: “You are wildly attractive so every guy must be staring at you when you’re in class or at work.” *insert creepy smile*

‘Wow, you look so great that I can’t even imagine how stunning you’d look with makeup!’

Intent: What people mean is, “you look beautiful naturally and makeup is meant to enhance beauty so you’d look even better with it”.

Implication: It comes off as, “you should wear makeup because it’ll make you look better!” Sometimes people just don’t want to wear makeup and that’s OK. We don’t tell guys “you’re so handsome but a dash of mascara will fix you right up!” So why do we tell girls that?

What’s really being said: “You’re beautiful*.”

*See makeup aisle for details on potential enhancements.

Basically, language in powerful and how we speak to each other matters. Most of the statements I’ve just covered have been said from one woman to another, so let’s stop belittling each other’s emotions or focusing on our appearances. Let’s be mindful of how we speak to each other and raise each other up.