We need to start talking to women, not about them

It’s not brave for me to say that Donald Trump is a racist, misogynist windbag who is willing to say whatever is convenient for him—that’s practically the public consensus.

Me after not voting for Donald Trump.

Recently, the New York Times did an article on Donald Trump’s past treatment of women, and the interviews “reveal unwelcome romantic advances, unending commentary on the female form, a shrewd reliance on ambitious women, and unsettling workplace conduct.” This is unquestionably horrible and misogynist, but what strikes me is what little attention is given to what Donald Trump does not deny, but instead advertises openly: his claim to “cherish women.”

When Mr. Trump talks about women’s issues in his campaign, he speaks about women he likes: his daughter, his wife, women he’s hired. He tries to convince the public that that his love of women is the issue that is at stake. When Donald Trump talks about how much he “loves” and “respects” women, he is still the actor of that discussion. He does not bring up the actual issues that women are facing; he talks about how he is going to take care of women. And this attitude towards women and women’s issues is a major problem both with Mr. Trump and discussion about women in general: it’s patronizing and it helps no one.

This harmful rhetoric isn’t exclusive to Donald Trump or even men in general. I attended Catholic school, and a great part of my religious education revolved around family life and relationships. My freshman religion teacher (a Dominican sister) explained the power structure in a marriage as follows: “The man puts the woman on a pedestal and the woman bows down to meet him.” In addition to this being a precarious situation physically (if she loses balance, he’s gonna get a goose egg on his noggin), it’s reinforcement of the widespread patronizing attitude that, as long as you “cherish” a woman, she is required to serve you.

The major issue with speaking about women in patronizing manner is not that “women don’t like nice guys” or “women are nasty and bitter.” Speaking about women’s issues in this way removes female agency and input from discussions directly involving them. Instead of talking about how much you love your wife or your mother, let them speak on the issues. Or at the very least, quote them. If you believe in their strength and intelligence, then you should be able to represent their needs in an authentic and accurate manner.

This manner of discourse also enters into discussions about issues affecting people of color, people with disabilities, or the socioeconomically disadvantaged. “I have tons of black friends! I treasure them. Let me tell you what black people need.” “I met a young man, Dave, in a wheelchair the other day…and he was so inspiring. Let me tell you what disabled people need.” “My great-grandfather came to this country with nothing but a nickel and a dream in his pocket. Let me tell you what poor people need.” On and on and on. When we speak about the needs of any group of people we don’t belong to, there is a tendency to turn the focus of discussion on ourselves and how much we love the group in question. But that’s not what any person facing social prejudice needs. What they need is someone who can help them project their voice.

So I don’t need men to cherish me. Love me. Put me on a pedestal. I don’t care if they find me unpleasant and horrible (most people do). What I, and many other women, need is someone to listen to our needs. Don’t talk to us about how loved and respected we are. Show it by promoting policies and programs that benefit women, like Planned Parenthood, paid maternity leave, and addressing the wage gap. Obviously, these examples are only the tip of the iceberg when it comes to women’s issues, but a good start to actually addressing them is to stop talking about women like they’re your favorite pet and start talking to women about their experience and what should be done about institutional sexism in our society.