Roomie Roulette: A handbook for spotting the tell-tale signs of living with a nightmare

University – a serenade to independence, forging memories that will be laughingly reminisced, all while cohabiting with your closest companions. It’s the realm of newfound freedom with the sweet escape from parental nagging and boring rules… until, of course, you find yourself in a haunted house of housemate horrors, making you question the very essence of shared living.

If you’re struggling to place your finger on which housemate this could possibly be, congratulations! You might be one of the few enjoying the rarity of peaceful living – or, dare I say, you’ve had the revelation you could be the unsuspecting perpetrator of this living nightmare? Here in this handbook, I present you the nine telling signs to uncover whether you’re merely an observer to the terrors of communal living, or the stark reality of being the sinning housemate.

1. The selective dishwasher unloader, along with the art of dish Jenga

If your dishwasher mysteriously unloads itself, newsflash: You my friend are the culprit of lazy living. And don’t get too comfy if you’re the selective unloader, grabbing only what you need for dinner. That’s not clever; it’s chaos. You’re the reason the kitchen turns into a confusing game of clean or not-so-clean. Total nightmare. Consider this your wake up call. And just a gentle reminder for our non-dishwasher owners, turning your wet dishes into the Leaning Tower of Pisa is not a sign of balancing talent, but just laziness.

2. The thief

When it comes to your housemates’ food, surely “one won’t hurt” right? If this is you, you are the house’s thieving culprit. If you’ve escaped this one, before giving yourself a pat on the back, just ask yourself: Have I ever assumed my housemate’s shower gel is communal property? Or maybe swiped their clothes, makeup, or hair treasures? Food isn’t the only thing disappearing around here, Sherlock.

3. Turning bedrooms into nightclubs

After your long, challenging day being a studious queen, what better way to rewind with some late night tunes before bed. But believe it or not, what seems like a peaceful abode to you, is your housemates version of a questionable nightclub. Perhaps, I suggest, before turning up the tunes, take a glance at time and ask yourself if the thumping base echoing through the walls is completely necessary?

4. The top shagger

Do you have a partner who practically lives at your house? Or are you a casual connoisseur of the bedroom? If so, you might have been granted the title of top shagger. If you think this might be you, just a quick tip: If your house mates can hear your alarm clock, best believe they are too unsolicited listeners of your Netflix and chill session.

5. The bathroom dominator

What could be wrong with starting your day with a shower? Nothing, of course, unless you are a bathroom hogger. Best believe whilst you’re washing your hair, listening to music in the steam filled room as every droplet of water makes you more and more awake, your housemate, waiting to enter the world of minty freshness, is late for their 10am. Don’t be a bathroom dominator; remember, sharing is caring, and so is a timely exit.

6. Leaving their meals in the sink

Touching wet food will forever be an unfortunate consequence of the kitchen. One slight bit of contact, and boom, you instantly regret your life choices. I can confidently say the majority feel this way about moistened food, and if this applies to you, I’m sure you will agree how undeniably wicked it is to leave your culinary neglect of the kitchen sink to your poor housemates. Let me tell you, it’s not just the leftovers in the sink silently judging your laziness.

7. The communal area is not a wardrobe

Let’s envision something together: You come home from a hard day’s work, you stroll in, jacket off, shoes kicked aside, and gracefully hop onto the sofa, where you lay for hours whilst scrolling on TikTok. There is absolutely no harm in this daily routine, well, not until it leads to a full blown invasion of your belongings. Do you not sympathise for your housemates who not only stumble over your strategically placed shoes, but are frequently denied a seat on the sofa due to your mountain of clothes?

8. The unaware vocal cord warrior

This one is for those of you who seem to misplace their indoor voice post-bedtime, your tipsy symphony may bring joy earlier on, but by 4am… really? And hey, to those with paper thin walls, has it ever occurred to you that your “sexy” voice notes might just be hitting more ears than you think – your situationship isn’t the only audience…

9. Coincidentally on purpose, forgetting to financially contribute

When it comes to buying to communal supplies, are you the household’s master of stubborn stinginess? Unfazed by the two lonely sheets of toilet paper left, unbothered by the last two drops of oil transforming your chicken into a delicacy, and patient enough to never wash your laundry again until the next wave of washing detergent magically appears. Just remember; money comes and goes, but your stingy reputation is a permanent fixture.

And if you’ve managed to survive this list? Before giving yourself a halo, really delve into depths of your memory and ponder: Am I the perfect living participant, or could I be the relentless nagging friend? Uni was meant to be our escape from parental rules, not to launch us into a PhD program in nag-ology. Take a chill pill; after all a little mess is the spice of communal life. If you’ve found yourself on this list more than once though, you need to have a look in the bathroom mirror, and maybe clean it after.

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