I watch my brothers get hit by their dad and it’s completely wrong

On the odd occasion, when we were small and stupid, it seemed sensible our parents hit us. Mind you, I’m not talking about light spanking, that happens sometimes: a big provocation, a risk of immediate accident, a slap can on rare occasions be a necessary thing. I deserved the slap I got when I was five – I tried to make my sister fall down the stairs because she was annoying me. It was probably best I learnt my lesson.

What I’m talking about is real abuse: when your parents hit you and then hit you again until you’ve told them what they want you to say, when insults fly into your face and the only thing you can do is try not to cry because it’ll only make it worse. Unfortunately, in many families this is still is a big issue, and one that should be discussed. On a personal level, if I haven’t been a victim of it, some of my brothers have.

My parents are divorced and so I have two step-brothers who live with my mum and her new husband. My stepdad has become the head of the house, so much so that even my mum sometimes struggles to stand up to him. Because I’m not his daughter, he’s never allowed himself to hit me, but my step-brothers are his children. When my oldest brother was two or three, my stepdad would slap his hand so he would stop sucking his thumb. Somewhere along the way, it became a lot more violent. It’s hard to have a conversation with him because he is always right and will not accept another opinion, as if he was afraid of being wrong. If one of my brothers misbehaves or says something that he doesn’t like, the threats start.

“Careful, you don’t want to make me angry you know that.” 

“I told you to be careful, I’m going to hit you and I don’t care who’s watching.”

It’s a bit like the “I’m counting to three”, except you know what comes after three and you don’t want to get there. I’ve seen my brothers curled up in a corner, my stepdad screaming frustrated at them. Yet he insists it’s for their own good. The worst thing is, I feel sorry for him sometimes because I can see he’s not happy. Life is stressful: financial worries, problems at work, mischievous children – anybody would lose patience. And of course, it’s hard to talk to children in a way they’ll be understood. We can’t talk to children as we would adults and when my by brothers don’t understand him, physical frustration takes over.

My brothers are incredible. They’re successful, clever boys, nice, sensible, full of personality and I love them more than anybody in the world. But as they grow up I can see the repercussions of these actions on them: they struggle to voice their feelings, they’re impulsive, sometimes verbally violent. When they run out of patience they snap and start throwing or hitting things. They don’t see how there are better ways to express themselves.

Children need to understand their actions have an impact, but hitting is not the right way to do it. Talk to them, use examples they’ll understand, and it will take time but eventually they’ll get there. We shouldn’t teach our children to act out of fear, they need to learn the value of respect which is a very different thing. When children fear something, they feel threatened and fear is not something parents should inspire. When children respect their parents however, it means they admire them: respect is earned rather than inflicted.

Some people will tell you it’s some sort of “tough love”, but clearly this is a distorted conception of love: if you love your children, you should be able find healthy and non-violent consequences to enforce your said standards. You’re probably wondering why I haven’t just reported him. If only it were that simple: by doing it, I would break up almost 20 years of my mum rebuilding her life, I would break up my brothers’ life, I would destroy my family and the consequences would be way worse than not doing anything, so the best I can do is share my experience.

If you were hit as a child and still stand by this method, and you think you’re fine, let me tell you one thing: you’re not. Because you are a full-grown adult praising violence on children, and if nothing else, that’s really, really sad.