If you can do 23/27 of these things, you’ve definitely been at Exeter for too long

There is no form of procrastination more dangerous (or more expensive) than a panic masters – believe me, I have tried almost everything else. For the sake of your bank account and your mental health, I have carefully compiled a list of things that no self-respecting person should be able to do and still be planning on staying on at Exeter for a masters.

So, if you can do 23/27 of the things on this list, there is no point in doing a masters; you have already mastered the University of Exeter…

1. Navigate your way to Spitchwick without google maps

Or anywhere in Dartmoor TBH.

2. Accurately guess when the next train to Exmouth will arrive without checking Trainline

Okay, this is a great party trick and one that comes in pretty handy when you’re en route to St James’ station carrying three beach towels, a JBL speaker and a six pack of lukewarm beer. But, if you can do this off the cuff more than twice, I think it’s fair to say that it’s time to start planning for a new journey.

3. Make over a tenner by reselling TP tickets on Overheard

Your time at this university has come to an end, my friend. People like you need to move on and move out before Freshers’ Week hits or we will all be taking out bank loans to afford club entry.

4. Walk up Forum hill while holding a conversation

It is public knowledge that it takes at least three years to master this. If I hear a SINGLE one of you chatting on your way up to the library I will sign your graduation certificate myself.

5. Address one of the TP bouncers by name

If you are besties with club bouncers it means one of two things: you have either been at Exeter or in TP for far too long. Whatever the case, when you’re on a first name basis with security guards, you should know you’re in need of a bigger pond, or at least better friends.

6. Count at least one quarter zip in your wardrobe

Extra “Rah” points if it’s from Crew Clothing or Ralph Lauren.

7. Chop a cheap wine in under 15 seconds

You’ve served your time at uni and probably have got horror stories that should be enough to send you packing anyway. However, in case you’re dragging your feet, I’m about to tell you something that is actually horrifying: opening your gullet is not the kind of “hard skill” employers are looking for – sorry to be the one to break it to you. It’s probably time to get some hobbies other than drinking now.

8. Only drink cider

Equally, if the only thing you ever order at the pub is a cider and you make it your whole personality, you need to get a grip. You’re basically ready for retirement so better get started on the pension and actually get a job.

9. Find more than five of your own posts on Overheard

People who thrive on Facebook are essentially already middle-aged.

10. Collect more than one Vinted parcel from the post office in a day

I hate to hate on ethical shopping but if you’re doing multiple trips to the corner shop for Depop and Vinted parcels in a day, I know the only words you’re typing into your computer are passwords. Please stop visiting the man at Premier every three hours before he shuts down the Evri point for good. Thanks.

11. Attend more than one society dinner

Societies aren’t like rugby boys, you don’t have to do them all.

12. Wear a signet ring without cringing

You desperately need to be taken down a peg. It’s giving big fish in a small pond – and you’re probably just swimming in Daddy’s money.

13. Bump into at least two people you’ve slept with on the high street

Speaking of fish, you know what they say: “there are plenty of fish in the sea” – but they’re not talking about Exeter. Trust me, you have bigger fish to fry than that guy from politics with curtains. It’s time to move ponds.

14. Identify at least one housemate who owns some form of crusty white dog

You’ve been in Exeter for too long if you can count on more than one hand the number of friends with either a spaniel or poodle mix.

15. Afford to go on the ski trip

What’s next? A gap year?

16. Surf because you go to Cornwall twice a month

Please consider just moving to Cornwall and living by the ocean already, you’ve clearly found your calling and God knows it’s not corporate London.

17. Remember your Exeter email password every time you have to double authenticate

By the time you’re in third year, it’s likely that you’ve changed your passwords so many times it’s hard to keep track, but when you’re constantly refreshing your emails for dissertation results (that never arrive), you finally start to learn it off by heart. So if you know your password now you’re either a veteran or a sweat – and if I’m honest, both of those start to stink the place out after a while.

18. Buy things from Urban Outfitters without checking your bank balance

FASHION EXISTS OUTSIDE OF UO! You do not need to fork out the equivalent of an eight hour shift on a fluffy coat that looks like something the Grinch would wear to feel like you have style – the Exetah girlies have indoctrinated you.

19. Count more than three pairs of linen trousers in your wardrobe

Guilty as charged.

20. Call your parents ‘Mummy’ or ‘Daddy’ without being laughed at

There is nothing wrong with calling your parents whatever names feels right for you, I’m absolutely not here to dispute that. But if you aren’t getting mercilessly rinsed for it anyway, you’ve definitely been living with rahs for too long.

21. Wear a scarf in summer

The audacity to wear a scarf in summer in one of the warmest parts of the country is something exclusively Exetah. You won’t catch a Newcastle student dead in a scarf, but you won’t see a true Tory gal dead without one.

22. Use your parents’ card for things without asking

If you know the code to your parents’ credit cards, you’re basically already set for life. You might as well retire now and live off your vast inheritance, what are you doing here?

23. Go swimming in Exmouth when it’s literally December

This is the Devon equivalent of people who do ice-baths on their balcony in London. You both need to meet up and talk to each other about the benefits of cold water because I do not want to hear it anymore.

24. Only drive a Mini or Polo

If you’re not careful, you’ll soon only be able to drive a Land Rover. Now THAT’S chronically Exetah.

25. Recite accurately the ingredients of a Venom

I mean, everyone knows what’s in a Venom, but no one really knows what’s in a Venom if you know what I mean. Unless you’ve worked at TP that is, but even if that’s the case, I still think that you’re probably ready for the world of work too because nothing can be worse than working TP Friday after the Grand Lash. NOTHING.

26. Do a dangerously good impression of the Exetah accent

Is it an impression or is this uni finally rubbing off on you?

27. Afford to move to London straight out of uni

See you all in Clapham, I guess.

Related articles recommended by this writer:

• Five ways to stay in touch with your Exeter uni mates after graduation

• If you’ve done 12/16 of these things, you’re definitely about to graduate from Exeter

• What your choice of graduation outfit says about the kind of Exeter student you are