Where, when and how to have good sex on campus without getting caught
Come at me Old Joe
It’s been done before, and it’ll be done countless times again. There’s nothing quite like getting frisky on campus.
Birmingham has more than enough hot spots for your g spot, and it’s not just people getting it on in the library. But who are these people who do it? How do they manage it? If you’re planning on getting down and dirty at uni, there are four places to do so: the library, the Guild, Bournbrook pitches and Old Joe. But which is best?
Old Joe
It’s even phallic-shaped to get you in the mood
The iconic clock tower at the heart of campus, this is a big one: the c(l)ock we look to and love. And people are defiling it. Within the alcove under OJ, there are plenty of handholds, footholds and ledges for her to steady herself and hold onto while the ride is in progress.
Make sure you check out the area before hand – it’s almost always busy during the day, so a cheeky session under the cover of darkness is ideal. It’s very well lit up but has seemingly poor CCTV coverage, so as long as you check the area out first your naughty antics shouldn’t be caught on camera.
Sex at the side of OJ is more risky but better if you’re there for a longer session, as no one wants to be under it when the clock chimes. A quickie isn’t worth failing your degree for. Girls should wear dresses or skirts so if security come you can quickly pull it down. Also no knickers, put them in your bag.
Don’t lie in the middle under the tower unless you’re a total exhibitionist. Standing in the alcove within the arch is a safer choice. And don’t get caught doing the deed as it chimes, timing key.
Risk level: 10/10
Comfort level: 3/10
The Guild
Shall we?
Drunk or sober, it’s a big place with lots of opportunities but bonus points if you manage to pull this off during the day. Fab is very central to Joe’s and The Underground, so stay away from these places and re-emerge once the deed is done. You definitely wont be heard over Fab’s supreme DJs.
The toilets are a dangerous option, so you probably want to head to the top floor if you don’t want to be disturbed. You’ll probably be alone so you can both whack out your favourite moves.
Do check the coast is clear before you run up the stairs – you don’t want to arouse suspicion. Enjoy it – Fab is loud so you have more freedom here than anywhere else to really get it on but don’t drunkenly forget to re-arrange your outfit after the deed is done. You’ll have to take your own tissues as well, as it’s going to get a bit messy…
Risk Level: 4/10
Comfort level: 9/10
Bournbrook pitches
The rugby pitch is the best choice because it’s difficult to get in and out of the astro fences, but this does come with increased risk as it’s a main thoroughfare. It goes without saying with this one the deed should take place at night.
The day before match day is a good choice as the turf is in pristine condition. The day after the rugger lads have churned up the pitch makes for a messy, muddy experience. It’s a very high risk option though as you can be seen from a long distance, but it does mean you have ample time to make your getaway should you need to.
Risk Level: 8/10
Comfort level: 7/10
The library
Is anyone looking?
You’ve been studying in the library when all of a sudden you hear some raunchy couple shagging in the toilets. If you fancy getting it on here, you need to decide whether you would like the deed to take place in the grimy loos or the exciting yet risky stacks.
Library sex is most frequent during exam season when stress levels are at their peak, so everyone is at it like Duracell bunnies to release some tension. With library sex becoming commonplace, students have had to come up with more inventive ways to avoid the dreaded security. You should find somewhere private which isn’t a bathroom if possible, and watch out for cleaning patrols. Explore the fifth floor and make use of the moving shelves.
Risk Level: 5/10
Comfort level: 7/10
Best for him: The Guild. The relative privacy of this location is perfect to allow him to really shape some moves (not just on the dance floor). The warmth of an indoor location is also preferable for his performance.
Best for her: Old Joe. Nothing will get her more excited than being under the largest free-standing clock tower.