‘I felt exposed and ashamed’: How students battle loneliness amid mental health crisis

People aged 16 to 24 are the loneliest age group in the UK

2 months ago

It’s no secret there’s a mental health crisis on UK campuses. The majority of students live with mental health difficulties, two thirds have experienced loneliness, and now new research from the government’s Department for Culture, Media & Sport has found 16-24 year olds are actually the most lonely age group in the country, with nearly half of students surveyed admitting they hide their feelings of loneliness altogether for fear of being judged.

University is meant to be a never-ending cycle of friend-making, partying, society socials and togetherness. But, it’s still possible to feel alone in a room full of people. Or, sometimes it’s just exhausting finding “our people”— the friends you can hang out with and be relaxed around without making incessant small talk. We miss our families, we miss our school friends, we miss our dog.

So, on University Mental Health Day 2024, The Tab spoke to students who’ve struggled with loneliness about what they wished they’d known, how they handled the stigma, and what they did to finally overcome their isolation:

Lauryn – ‘I felt pressured to be like everyone I was living with’

“I felt lonely at the beginning of university,” says 24-year-old Lauryn Louise Davey, who’s studying medicine at Swansea. “Moving into halls with people who had different hobbies and lifestyles to me. I felt pressured to be liked by those I was living with and felt that I had to be like them at the start. Until I quickly realised that would mean that I wasn’t being myself, and I’d be missing out on the things that I enjoy.

“It can be strange feeling lonely in a room full of people,” she adds. “Sometimes we expect everything to go as we plan them to, to be liked by everyone and to be like everyone else. When you live with new people, it’s easy to feel like you must do everything together, but that’s not true. You may get on with people on your course or in a club much better, because you have things in common.

“I noticed a stigma amongst university students in halls, especially if you don’t want to party or stay up late, but if you broaden your horizons and focus on the other aspects of university such as your course, the societies, the sports clubs, and other opportunities on offer, you suddenly feel less lonely.”

“To solve my loneliness, I started focusing on my sport, and found other athletes that followed my lifestyle,” explains Lauryn. “My advice for university students currently experiencing loneliness would be to recognise why you may be feeling lonely (i.e. mine was not being surrounded by performing athletes).

“Once you figure that out, maybe write down some hobbies that you like, and see if your university or a club that offers that activity, or you could try something brand new. Set some goals or steps you can take to gain confidence. Please know that you’re not alone, and many people are feeling the same way that you do, and that it can and will get better.”

Sharon – ‘I didn’t want to seem ungrateful’

“The first couple of months after settling into my new life as an international student was pretty lonely,” says 25-year-old Sharon Boaduwaa Boadu who moved from Ghana to the UK to study at the University of Birmingham. “Not only because I had left my home country, family, and friends to pursue my dream in a ‘strange land’ but also because at the time, it looked and felt like I was the only one going through this experience which can reinforce the feelings of loneliness.

“Along with loneliness came other feelings of resentment, ingratitude, and jealousy, forgetting that I was living my dream life,” Sharon explains. “It was hard to talk about this experience because of the ‘unspoken rule’ for all international students, especially from Africa, to feel nothing but gratitude for the opportunity to study abroad. Expressing feelings of loneliness could easily be seen as being ungrateful or complaining too much.

“Since I couldn’t solve the issue by talking to family and friends back home, I resorted to the mental health and wellbeing services in my university, and they offered immense help for free,” she adds. “I was able to access a five-week counselling session and weekly drop ins that gave me space to express and be present in all my emotions regardless of how conflicting they seemed.

“If you are an international student and you can relate to my story, I promise that it gets better with time and understanding. You are not the only one going through this experience, so I challenge you to be bold again and reach out to your colleagues and intentionally build your community. If it doesn’t work the first time, try, and try again. You have already exhibited such courage and boldness, enjoy the journey now and make the most out of it.”

Amelia – ‘Moving from the countryside to the city was overwhelming’

“Moving from the countryside to a big city for university was an exciting but overwhelming experience,” says 22-year-old Brighton Uni student Amelia Wilcox. “Despite meeting so many new people, it was hard to not feel isolated without the home comforts I had become so dependent on. I was missing my family and friends, and especially my dog who, no matter how many times we tried, could never seem to understand the concept of FaceTime.

“I missed having a reason to get outside for walks and quickly realised how important this was for supporting my mental health,” she explains. “Living in a block of flats made it far too easy to go days without being outdoors, let alone going for walks or touching grass.

“All of these changes at once can be hard to navigate alongside university and are difficult to discuss when everyone seems to be having the time of their lives going out clubbing and sleeping through most of the daylight.

“As time passed and everyone settled into more of a routine, my friends and I tried to make the most of our days off by planning picnics in the park and days at the beach. I was starting to feel more like myself but our occasional visits from the neighbour’s cat reminded me of how much I missed my pets at home.

“After months of going out of my way to pet every dog I could find in public, I saw a video online of a group of students who were borrowing someone else’s dog for walks and days out. That’s when I signed up for BorrowMyDoggy. Scrolling through the app and chatting with owners about their pets was so fun and I quickly found a few matches who lived nearby.

“We now have a few regular visitors at our house, including Lola the sausage dog who loves coming for a cuddle on the sofa and Kimmi the French Bulldog who stays with us overnight. These dogs have become a key part of our university experience and have temporarily filled the paw-shaped hole in my life.”

Helen – ‘You feel as if everyone can see you’re an outsider’

“When I went to uni I was ready for a fresh start, moving far away to explore a different part of the country and meet new people,” says 23-year-old Helen Garnett who studied at St Andrews. “I had pictured it just like the movies; I was sure to meet a gang of people my age with my interests and hit it off straight away! Spoiler alert – it isn’t like the movies.

“There is what feels like a ‘golden period’ where no one knows anyone and it’s ok to ask those awkward get-to-know-you questions like ‘what A-Levels did you do?’. But before I knew it, it felt like that period had gone and left me behind.

“Loneliness is not just about being alone, but it’s about feeling excluded even when you’re surrounded by other people. It is feeling exposed and ashamed. You feel as if everyone can see you’re the outsider, when more often than not, they aren’t thinking that at all.

“There is a huge stigma surrounding loneliness. Beyond the ‘golden period’, it feels awkward to introduce yourself, and you start to imagine that, well, there must be a reason you’re the one left out, you must deserve it. Loneliness feeds feelings like fear, shame and embarrassment.

“I used to think being lonely could be fixed by having more friends, or friends I was closer with,” Helen explains. “But loneliness isn’t caused by lacking something – it ebbs and flows with life, sometimes you’ll experience it a little bit, sometimes it will feel like a tidal wave, and other times you won’t feel it at all. It comes with change; starting first year, getting a new job, going through a break up.

“Ultimately, it is something that is completely ordinary and – most importantly – temporary. If you ask any friend or family member, every single one will have felt lonely at some point. And, every single one will also have times they didn’t. These facts take the shame out of loneliness – it happens to everyone, and it will pass.”

If you or someone you know has been affected by this story, please speak to someone or talk to CALM on 0800 58 58 58 (UK) or through their webchat. Their trained support workers are available from 5pm to midnight every day to provide practical support and advice, whatever you’re going through.

You can also contact Samaritans on 116 123 at any time, Anxiety UK on 03444 775 774, Mind on 0300 123 3393, and Student Minds online here. You matter.

The Tab’s You Matter campaign is dedicated to highlighting the student mental health crisis. If you’ve got a story you’d like to tell us – whether it’s difficulties with getting uni support, or anything you think we should hear, get in touch in confidence by emailing [email protected]