All the boys on Grindr that will make you want to give up men forever

When you finally take the plunge and download Grindr you think you’re going to be like a mum in TK Maxx, scrolling through reams of garbage until you find the one bargain – the boy you’re going to go on pleasant dates with and have lots of pleasant sex with and who you can point to at your Grindr-sponsored wedding and say: ‘You know what? Grindr is actually alright.’

Except this will never happen, and do you know why? It’s because Grindr is fucking gross.

In reality, this app is nothing but garbage, and you’d be better off remaining celibate for the rest of your days. Don’t believe me? This is everyone you’ll find on Grindr, dissected and rinsed:

The one who goes the same gym as you do

If their bigoted bio wasn’t enough of a turn-off, their messages telling you they wanna shag you in the gym showers definitely are. You’ll be on the treadmill, minding your own business, when you spot them doing squats in the corner and looking at you every time they grunt, like some kind of exchange of sexual energy via eye contact. This is also not a turn-on, but that won’t stop them squatting extra low to show you what you’re (not) missing.

Bio: Top. Masc4Masc. No fats. No femmes.

First message: I can give you a real workout…

The married one

The married guy is looking to branch out and spice things up but usually with his husband’s consent. So it’s like yeah hall pass yourself until your heart’s content babe but I’m not joining in. I must say I have never had this encounter myself and I always find an affair with a married man to be either dull as dishwater or something that would slam Sean Cody into the ground. Better with a straight married guy but overall not worth it, avoid where necessary, see discreet married guy. 

Bio: Open relationship. Never play together.

First message: Hey man you’re GORGEOUS ??

The one who wants to buy your poo

Look we are not about kink-shaming here, but there is something undeniably sinister about someone sliding in your DMs asking to buy your actual faeces. For a minute you wonder whether pivoting to selling your poo to middle-aged men who don’t get to see the sun a lot is a financially viable solution to all your problems. It’s only poo, after all, you could dissociate yourself from it enough to make some cold hard cash, right? Wrong. You will block this man and probably wash your hands after you’ve done so.

Bio: It’s blank – eerily so.

First message: “150 genuine. Take it or leave it.”

The beautiful specimen who won’t reply to you no matter how much you message him

Surely men this beautiful don’t need to lower themselves into the rank cesspit that is this app? You scroll through his pics, certain that he must be a catfish, but he checks out. His Instagram is linked, his bio has normal things written in it, and he has multiple pictures of his actual human face in it. You shoot your shot with a simple ‘hey’, before upgrading to a more specific reference to his bio. Then you break and confess he’s the fittest man you’ve ever seen in your life in a desperate attempt to woo him through sheer arse-kissery. He ignores even this, so you block him in embarrassment. The cycle is cruel and vicious.

Bio: Just a chilled guy not interested in aggro.

First message: He will never message you lmao are you joking?

The one you hooked up with once and messages you every time

Okay you had a moment of low self-esteem and that’s okay. You ran over to his house because you were just that desperate to see a penis and in the cold light of post-nut clarity you realised it was a bad call. You have no intention of seeing him again, regardless of how excellent and convincing your performance was. Unfortunately he’s a local, and every time you delete and refresh the app he’s there. You will cave in and do it again, but only the once.

Bio: Will usually contain his postcode. Looking for friends, dates, maybe more with the right guy.

First message: Up for round 2? ???

The one who leads off with the dick pic

In the meal that is your Grindr page, the dick-pic-broadcaster is the carbohydrate. His patronage is what keeps that advertisement money flowing into Grindr’s pocket and without it the company would probably melt away into nothing. A noble endeavour indeed, although their consistent presence will make you actually hate cock.

Bio: 10″ Dom Top, not into HnH

First message: Four dick pics followed by ‘any of you?’

The faceless torso

The classique – the holy pillar upon which Grindr was built. His confidence that his out-of-context rig will be enough to bait you into messages is such an indictment of how shallow men are it’s almost satire. Except the faceless torso is not satirical. He wants to fuck.

Bio: face pics on request.

First message: Nice smile! Wanna get rammed in the back of a car? ?

The obvious catfish

The catfish of Grindr always underestimate how famous the person they’re pretending to be is; who knew Zac Efron was a 19-year-old from Leicester? Their response to your politely asking them “What do you do for fun?” is several grainy pictures of different dicks. If you’re compelling enough to actually have a conversation with a catfish, though, it will most likely be the same way your dad types, because that’s probably how old they are: “Phwoar cock is nice. U av mor?”

Bio: Left blank to avoid being caught out, which just makes them seem more suspicious.

First message: Dick pic? Followed up by four nudes of obviously different people.

The couple looking for a third

Now for those of us more open-minded, this can’t be ruled out. However, whether both actors of this couple will actually be down for a non-monogamous and sexually liberated shag fest entirely questionable. You’ll either find a couple who before meeting each other were both tops and now they’re looking to explore beyond this. If this is the case then honey you are in for a wild ride let me tell you this much. Sometimes however it is more awkward than seeing your ex in Soho smoking area, because you’ll have one gay who is looking to do it to spice things up and the other will feel like he isn’t loved which is why they need to spice things up. This will lead to tears. Weird fucking tears. This is a Grindr hookup and I am a university student I do not care about your marriage woes I merely want my hole. Not fun, avoid where possible.

Bio: We never play alone. Both vers. Sean is on the left, Craig on the right. Both really nice I promise!!

First message: Wanna come over for a horny fuck sesh? ????

The escort

You poor sweet little lamb. You thought the incredibly fit model 300 feet away from you is a genuine gay man looking for a quick shag like you? Silly boy. This man isn’t even gay, he’s just pedalling his company for money. If you want the pleasure of hanging out with him it’ll cost you a few hundred quid and your self-esteem.

Bio: ????????????????????

First message: Yeah mate I’m not here looking for dates.

The masseur

Like the escort, this man is out here dodging the Grindr popo to get what he wants. The masseuse comes in two breeds: The one who charges for his services, and the one who’s doing it because it gets him off. Grindr doesn’t care though, because he has a 4 in his name instead of an ‘a.’ You will never message this man because you value your life.

Bio: 45 minutes = £30, limited offer ??

First message: Never messages first.

The one looking for love awh

Two words: Wet. Wipe. Hobbies include crying to the Call Me By Your Name soundtrack and having an opinion on the latest season of the Great British Bake Off. He has made the grave mistake of thinking Grindr is the place where he’ll meet the love of his life. Uses too many emojis.

Bio: Looking for drinks and dates. I love reading, red wine and Selena Gomez. Dog memes are the way to my heart.

First message: Helloooooo! How you doing? Love your picture! X

The one who’s literally 2 feet away from you holy fuck get away

Holy shit you didn’t realise just how many gays there were in this train station when you got bored and clicked onto the app and now he’s messaging you oh Jesus Lord please save me he’s looking right at me now what do I do? Do I block him? If I block him he’ll surely know. Fuck now he’s tapped me. I’m just going to run away and take the train another day, phew.

Bio: Visiting, in Melbourne next week, hmu.

First message: ?

The one with problematic tastes

Spends his life explaining that ‘it’s not racist, I just use someone’s race as the primary means of judging whether or not I’m capable of finding them attractive’. Their chat history looks like a cross between an Oscar Nominations list and the Hitler Youth. Requests to see your familial DNA test results to ensure you won’t taint his pure blood. 

Bio: Just looking for a nice guy to take home to my parents.

First message: Not into Asian guys sorry. Just a preference!

Someone from your uni seminar

He slides in your DMs making obvious reference to the fact you both do English and you reply back with a feeble ‘aha yeah’ to whatever he said because you actually know him in real life and it would be rude not to. Crucially, however, you do not fancy this boy, and now you’re faced with the impossible dilemma of nipping this in the bud before he suggests shagging in the library. 

Bio: English student, KCL, Labour activist ? and occasional poet xx

First message: Lol that seminar was really something haha lmao.

The supreme kink lord

As the proverb goes, ‘sticks and stones may break my bones, but chains and whips excite me’. This Grindr guy took Riri’s famous words and turned them into a personality. With toys and props that bring a tear to the eye just looking at them, he lives for the riding crop and puppy mask. Mr Grey will see you now. 

Bio: Sub/slave/exhibitionist/rope bunny/puppy ?

First message: What you into?

The one who wants to use you

Sweet dreams are made of this…

Bio: Older dom top. Mainly into younger. Looking for a good little sub boy who will do what I say. NO OLDER.

First message: Are you an obedient boy?

The one who wants to get used by you

…who are you to disagree?

Bio: Just a little sub piggy here looking to be told how bad I am. 

First message: Will you be my master?

The one who goes wayyyyy too ott complimenting you

These guys are conflicting. On one hand, they’re being totally creepy with their in-depth descriptions of how much they want to rub your torso. On the other, their chronic self-deprecation and lack of self-esteem is kinda heartbreaking, especially because they’re usually middle-aged gays who are envious of the better experience young gays have today. Their obsession with how young and beautiful you are seems noncey at first, but after realising how miserable they are you wouldn’t be blamed for shedding a tear at the end of the conservation.

Bio: Looking for love, not one night stands!!

First message: Heyyy ???‍♂️ you’re looking gorgeous! I really love how shiny your eyes are and how good your skin looks and…

The one who quadruple texts you in the hope you’ll finally be up for it

You have to hand it to this man. He will not stop messaging you until you concretely say no. In fairness, you were having a low day, and you find the attention flattering, until one day (and it’s a sad day) he finally throws in the towel with the ‘not your type?’

You won’t respond to this either.

Bio: Will you be the Sean to my Cody? hehe

First message: Hiya! How’s your weekend going?

The one who has no face but demands face pics in his bio

Welcome to the Grindr lottery. This week you’ll take the plunge and message a blank profile. He’ll promise to send you over a face pic once you send over four of yourself including at least one nude. You do so, and in return, he will reveal himself to be either much fitter or much uglier than you were expecting. Thanks for playing. We’ll see you next week.

Bio: No pic no response, sorry.

First message: U got a nice cock? ?

The straight guy

He’s straight, but he just cannot get enough of anal and his on-off girlfriend just doesn’t ever fancy it. He knows that the horny bottoms of his local area are, though, and ultimately he just wants to branch out a bit. This man is who Grindr was invented for. He’ll get really into exchanging pics, and he wants you to come over now. Like right now. So you have a quick shower and a douche because you don’t want to put this man off male butts for life. But by the time you’re halfway there he’s not feeling it.

Bio: Looking for right now. Not out. Pics on request.

First message: Hey dude/bro/man/mate/pal.

The straight MARRIED guy

One thing we can all be sure of is that if this gentleman is going to become something, that every single thing is going to be on his terms, and I’m sorry girls but that is me sold. You can always rest assured that this kind of guy on Grindr will have the shittest craic going because of the seedy connotations which come with being on Grindr for a guy who right now doesn’t know if he’s coming or going. Drama tends to follow these guys, personal advice, avoid. But, if you’re like me and just love the drama, then, by all means, dive in. 

Bio: Discreet. Married. Can’t accom. 

First message: Send me hole pics ?

The one having a big ol’ sex party

He’s got a few mates over, the lights are turned down low, the drugs are abundant, and he wants you in amongst it. Simply put, you are not brave enough to even consider it. 

Bio: Into feet, piss, BDSM, sub/dom, humiliation, watersports, DON’T WASTE MY TIME!

First message: Bottom here looking for a group of tops this afternoon to share my holes emoji

The Masc 4 Masc one

Now the Masc4Masc guy, he is usually the embodiment of the 80% of gay Twitter, who will post a picture of their rock hard Jesus abs and say about how they have no body confidence after just having a Toby Carvery. The Masc4Masc guy will usually be quite explicit in his profile, noting how he doesn’t hook up with fat guys, trans guys, asian guys (em excuse me?) and especially not femme guys. It’s almost as if a femme gay could encroach upon such toxic masculinity and what if? What if god forbid it made him a femme guy? Maybe it’s just because once upon a time, I spent a long time struggling to accept my sexuality these guys are commonly just at the last stage of accepting their own selves. And tbh when you’ll meet them you’ll know where they stand and if they’re not just in denial of their identity then he’s just a bit of a knob. 

Bio: Not into camp, sorry just a preference.

First message: Send me a voice clip so I know you’re not camp.

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• How to have an anal orgasm: A foolproof guide