‘My mate fancies you’: The wildest texts people have got from their dealers

Sorry mate, mum’s got the car til 10


Conversations with drug dealers are awkward as fuck. That's an undisputed fact. The best thing you can do is try your best to toe the line between not looking like a total Narc whilst also not seeming like a middle class teenager trying your hand at being road. If you have said bossman at any point, turn back, you've gone too far.

But what is it like on the other side? When the drug dealers fuck up and embarrass themselves? Now we know.

If you are a normal human being with a sense of humour, you should be following Shotta Texts on Instagram. It's an account full of weird texts sent by drug dealers that people on the receiving end of those texts have sent in. From sharing their car with their mum to sliding in their customers DMs, it really is a goldmine. Here are the best of the best of Shotta Texts:

1. Baby let me pick you up

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Sorry bro 🤦🏽‍♂️

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2. He's a natural born salesman

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Monday Motivation 🙌🏽

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3. Nan > Trapping

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What nan says goes… 👵🏽🚷

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4. 'Sorry luv my dogs just died I was in a foul mood'

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Sorry luv 😔

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Honestly I'd take a drug dealer being mean to me for four lines of an iMessage if it got me a free spliff.

5. Tfw Jummah gets in the way of work

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Friday prayers 🙏🏽🧎🏽‍♂️

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Also the person texting this drug dealer is mad polite. Probably why they're getting 3.5 for £30.

6. Happy seshing motherfuckers!!!

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2020 with a bang 💥❄️

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Let your nose kiss the end of a note is actually quite poetic. This guy is in the wrong profession.

7. Now this, this is what I call marketing

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Bag day 🎒

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Let your Mum know! Props to whoever this brave customer is because just saving a number in your phone as "Coke Man" is a risky move.

8. The most stylish shotta in all of the land

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Black jacket, silver jeans 😎

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I wish more than anything that I could see that outfit. Also I would wear that outfit.

9. Jimmy is very professional

The man's got a business to run! Also "Jimmy, est 2006" is the best sign off to a drug dealer text you will ever see. That's 14 years of service!

10. This is terrifying and if anything it makes me want to do drugs LESS

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Merry SniffMuch 🎄🎅🏽❄️☃️

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11. 'You shouldn't take drugs'

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anyway enjoy your day 🙂

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Only girls who have been hit on by their drug dealer will know the true discomfort that you feel when something like this happens. Can you ever pick up from them again? Probably not. It's amplified if they ask to come in and "smoke up" with you. Avoid at all costs. Unless you actually want to shag them, then go forth.

12. He lives by his own rules!!

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Perks of being self employed

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13. When he moves to you through your dealer <3

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few gramz nd a smoke 💨

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Imagine being bold enough to ask why your drugs are "so small". Never.

14. This is me when people bail

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Blacklisted 🎱📵

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Don't tx ma phone again.

15. Imagine picking up so much that leaving the country undermines your dealer's business

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Stop saying sorry 🤬

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"Stop saying sorry you dickhead" really is the icing on the cake.

16. We stan a politically active shotta

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Register to vote 🗳

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17. This guy is better than Boris Johnson's spin doctor

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2 hours later… 🤯

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The little arm. I'm deceased.

18. This one's actually very sweet and genuine. Hope this guy's employed now

19. He really said this all in one breath

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Have a lovely day 🙂

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20. 'Missus just gave birth. Might be later on' CAN YOU SPELL C-O-M-M-I-T-M-E-N-T?

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Congratulations 👶🏽🍾🥂

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21. This is, without a doubt, the best one

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Lesson learned #AngryBirds

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Credit for all of these masterpieces goes to @shottatexts on Instagram.