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‘My mate fancies you’: The wildest texts people have got from their dealers

Sorry mate, mum’s got the car til 10


Conversations with drug dealers are awkward as fuck. That's an undisputed fact. The best thing you can do is try your best to toe the line between not looking like a total Narc whilst also not seeming like a middle class teenager trying your hand at being road. If you have said bossman at any point, turn back, you've gone too far.

But what is it like on the other side? When the drug dealers fuck up and embarrass themselves? Now we know.

If you are a normal human being with a sense of humour, you should be following Shotta Texts on Instagram. It's an account full of weird texts sent by drug dealers that people on the receiving end of those texts have sent in. From sharing their car with their mum to sliding in their customers DMs, it really is a goldmine. Here are the best of the best of Shotta Texts:

1. Baby let me pick you up

View this post on Instagram

Sorry bro ??‍♂️

A post shared by Shotta Texts (@shottatexts) on Jan 5, 2020 at 10:27am PST

2. He's a natural born salesman

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Monday Motivation ??

A post shared by Shotta Texts (@shottatexts) on Dec 9, 2019 at 12:21pm PST

3. Nan > Trapping

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What nan says goes… ???

A post shared by Shotta Texts (@shottatexts) on Dec 2, 2019 at 6:52am PST

4. 'Sorry luv my dogs just died I was in a foul mood'

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Sorry luv ?

A post shared by Shotta Texts (@shottatexts) on Jan 7, 2020 at 11:27am PST

Honestly I'd take a drug dealer being mean to me for four lines of an iMessage if it got me a free spliff.

5. Tfw Jummah gets in the way of work

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Friday prayers ????‍♂️

A post shared by Shotta Texts (@shottatexts) on Jan 3, 2020 at 5:21am PST

Also the person texting this drug dealer is mad polite. Probably why they're getting 3.5 for £30.

6. Happy seshing motherfuckers!!!

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2020 with a bang ?❄️

A post shared by Shotta Texts (@shottatexts) on Dec 31, 2019 at 9:43am PST

Let your nose kiss the end of a note is actually quite poetic. This guy is in the wrong profession.

7. Now this, this is what I call marketing

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Bag day ?

A post shared by Shotta Texts (@shottatexts) on Dec 29, 2019 at 11:07am PST

Let your Mum know! Props to whoever this brave customer is because just saving a number in your phone as "Coke Man" is a risky move.

8. The most stylish shotta in all of the land

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Black jacket, silver jeans ?

A post shared by Shotta Texts (@shottatexts) on Dec 27, 2019 at 3:51am PST

I wish more than anything that I could see that outfit. Also I would wear that outfit.

9. Jimmy is very professional

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Wishing you wellbeing and fruitfulness ??????

A post shared by Shotta Texts (@shottatexts) on Dec 31, 2019 at 5:19am PST

The man's got a business to run! Also "Jimmy, est 2006" is the best sign off to a drug dealer text you will ever see. That's 14 years of service!

10. This is terrifying and if anything it makes me want to do drugs LESS

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Merry SniffMuch ???❄️☃️

A post shared by Shotta Texts (@shottatexts) on Dec 20, 2019 at 4:24am PST

11. 'You shouldn't take drugs'

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anyway enjoy your day ?

A post shared by Shotta Texts (@shottatexts) on Dec 5, 2019 at 12:15pm PST

Only girls who have been hit on by their drug dealer will know the true discomfort that you feel when something like this happens. Can you ever pick up from them again? Probably not. It's amplified if they ask to come in and "smoke up" with you. Avoid at all costs. Unless you actually want to shag them, then go forth.

12. He lives by his own rules!!

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Perks of being self employed

A post shared by Shotta Texts (@shottatexts) on Dec 16, 2019 at 12:12pm PST

13. When he moves to you through your dealer <3

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few gramz nd a smoke ?

A post shared by Shotta Texts (@shottatexts) on Dec 15, 2019 at 10:55am PST

Imagine being bold enough to ask why your drugs are "so small". Never.

14. This is me when people bail

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Blacklisted ??

A post shared by Shotta Texts (@shottatexts) on Dec 1, 2019 at 11:26am PST

Don't tx ma phone again.

15. Imagine picking up so much that leaving the country undermines your dealer's business

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Stop saying sorry ?

A post shared by Shotta Texts (@shottatexts) on Nov 29, 2019 at 4:38am PST

"Stop saying sorry you dickhead" really is the icing on the cake.

16. We stan a politically active shotta

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Register to vote ?

A post shared by Shotta Texts (@shottatexts) on Nov 25, 2019 at 4:09am PST

17. This guy is better than Boris Johnson's spin doctor

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2 hours later… ?

A post shared by Shotta Texts (@shottatexts) on Nov 22, 2019 at 4:20am PST

The little arm. I'm deceased.

18. This one's actually very sweet and genuine. Hope this guy's employed now

19. He really said this all in one breath

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Have a lovely day ?

A post shared by Shotta Texts (@shottatexts) on Nov 16, 2019 at 7:11am PST

20. 'Missus just gave birth. Might be later on' CAN YOU SPELL C-O-M-M-I-T-M-E-N-T?

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Congratulations ????

A post shared by Shotta Texts (@shottatexts) on Nov 14, 2019 at 12:11pm PST

21. This is, without a doubt, the best one

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Lesson learned #AngryBirds

A post shared by Shotta Texts (@shottatexts) on Dec 17, 2019 at 11:47am PST

Credit for all of these masterpieces goes to @shottatexts on Instagram.