‘My mate fancies you’: The wildest texts people have got from their dealers
Sorry mate, mum’s got the car til 10
Conversations with drug dealers are awkward as fuck. That's an undisputed fact. The best thing you can do is try your best to toe the line between not looking like a total Narc whilst also not seeming like a middle class teenager trying your hand at being road. If you have said bossman at any point, turn back, you've gone too far.
But what is it like on the other side? When the drug dealers fuck up and embarrass themselves? Now we know.
If you are a normal human being with a sense of humour, you should be following Shotta Texts on Instagram. It's an account full of weird texts sent by drug dealers that people on the receiving end of those texts have sent in. From sharing their car with their mum to sliding in their customers DMs, it really is a goldmine. Here are the best of the best of Shotta Texts:
1. Baby let me pick you up
2. He's a natural born salesman
3. Nan > Trapping
4. 'Sorry luv my dogs just died I was in a foul mood'
Honestly I'd take a drug dealer being mean to me for four lines of an iMessage if it got me a free spliff.
5. Tfw Jummah gets in the way of work
Also the person texting this drug dealer is mad polite. Probably why they're getting 3.5 for £30.
6. Happy seshing motherfuckers!!!
Let your nose kiss the end of a note is actually quite poetic. This guy is in the wrong profession.
7. Now this, this is what I call marketing
Let your Mum know! Props to whoever this brave customer is because just saving a number in your phone as "Coke Man" is a risky move.
8. The most stylish shotta in all of the land
I wish more than anything that I could see that outfit. Also I would wear that outfit.
9. Jimmy is very professional
The man's got a business to run! Also "Jimmy, est 2006" is the best sign off to a drug dealer text you will ever see. That's 14 years of service!
10. This is terrifying and if anything it makes me want to do drugs LESS
11. 'You shouldn't take drugs'
Only girls who have been hit on by their drug dealer will know the true discomfort that you feel when something like this happens. Can you ever pick up from them again? Probably not. It's amplified if they ask to come in and "smoke up" with you. Avoid at all costs. Unless you actually want to shag them, then go forth.
12. He lives by his own rules!!
13. When he moves to you through your dealer <3
Imagine being bold enough to ask why your drugs are "so small". Never.
14. This is me when people bail
Don't tx ma phone again.
15. Imagine picking up so much that leaving the country undermines your dealer's business
"Stop saying sorry you dickhead" really is the icing on the cake.
16. We stan a politically active shotta
17. This guy is better than Boris Johnson's spin doctor
The little arm. I'm deceased.
18. This one's actually very sweet and genuine. Hope this guy's employed now
19. He really said this all in one breath
20. 'Missus just gave birth. Might be later on' CAN YOU SPELL C-O-M-M-I-T-M-E-N-T?
21. This is, without a doubt, the best one
Credit for all of these masterpieces goes to @shottatexts on Instagram.