Where you should live in London, according to where you go to university

Ask any grad where they’re moving to in London, and they’ll probably say the same thing: Clapham. Everyone goes down south west in their first year and pays an extortionate amount because the estate agents know how to mug you off. Six months into your miserable grad scheme you realise that actually, Clapham’s quite shit.

Because hello! There are plenty of places to live in London which aren’t all full of grads with names like Hugo and Franks. Depending on what uni you went to, different parts of London will suit you more than others. If you go to Manchester you’ll be best suited in east, but Edinburgh students should head west.

Depending on the vibe of your uni, this is where you should live in London after graduation:

North West: York, Warwick, Aberdeen, St Andrews

Where: Hampstead, West Hampstead, St John’s Wood

Beautiful houses, little pubs, lots of yummy mummy-led families – north west is where you lead the quiet life, so is the perfect place to live if you’re coming down from York and Warwick. In a similar vein to both Warwick and York, NW isn’t really a vibe for your early twenties, but perfect for when you want a marriage, some children, a dog and a Land Rover – which I guess fits Warwick and York perfectly as they’re claimed to be the most boring unis in the country.

The only things both unis really get passionate about are beautiful looking buildings, canals, lakes, green spaces and geese – meaning they’ve hit the jackpot with Hampstead Heath.

And as for Aberdeen and St Andrews, you’re used to being so far out of the bubble it makes sense for you to be somewhere no one really ventures to unless they really have to.

East London: Manchester, Bristol, Leeds, Sussex

Where: Hoxton, Shoreditch, Dalston

Manchester, Bristol, Sussex, Leeds – all notoriously what you’d cringely describe as “cool” unis, but equally try hard ones. In fact, all these unis have been rated the most try hard unis in the whole of the UK, and for that reason, there’s no other place for them than east London.

Sure, east London is cool, but it’s full of the exact same people you left behind at uni. They probably don’t even really like it here but feel they have to be here out of principle to their “cool” university.

All four unis have already got the east London look back on campus: Shaved heads, Calvin Klein bralets, cargo pants and Comme de Garcons Converse as one of many outfit choices. Whatever happens, jeans and a nice top from New Look look out of place here.

Ofc, everyone is beautiful – like something out of an American Apparel catalogue – so you’ll rarely need to venture out of your east London bubble. And there’s vegan and vegetarian pop-ups, lame fads like cereal or Creme Egg cafes and over-priced vintage shops everywhere, meaning it’ll literally be like Manc, Bris, Leeds or Sussex, but in London!!!

South West: Durham, Newcastle, Loughborough, Exeter, Brookes

Where: Clapham, Battersea, Balham

If you go to any of these unis there is only one place which will truly serve you: south west London. Signet rings, blonde hair, abs, gym memberships, captain of the sports team, second house in Cornwall, double-barrel surname, avocado eggs, husky voices, Camillas, Millies, Pandora and Freddy – they’re all living in South West in lovely town houses, the type that make your perfect looking mother coo and say “oh can I live here too!!!”

There’s literally no where else in London that would work for people from Durham – in fact it would completely freak them out. You’ve lived the past three years of your life knowing everything about everyone – and that won’t change once you all move to Clapham North, South or Common.

Infernos nightclub in Clapham North is basically one big sport night, perfect for being incestuous and getting with your mate’s sloppy seconds every Saturday night – just like your bog-standard night out in Loughborough SU.

And it would be near impossible for anyone from Newcastle to not live somewhere which doesn’t look like Jesmond, and filled with people who look like they’re from Jesmond – just 12/10s everywhere.

West: Oxford, Cambridge, Edinburgh, Glasgow

Where: Notting Hill, Kensington, Ladbroke Grove

Edinburgh and Glasgow are notorious for their posh uni accents, so it’s only right they finally be pushed into a borough they’re so desperately trying to emulate back on campus. Now rather than trying to sound like the poshest people, you can be the poshest people!!! Plus the rent is so high in New Town and the West End, you’re barely going to notice the slight increase in house price.

And Oxbridge – you’re probably just moving home really to mummy and daddy’s empty West London townhouse which is used as a bolt hole in case anyone’s passing by. Although it’s unlikely you’re having any fun in it, instead studying for another degree in nearby LSE.

South East: UWE, Cardiff

Where: Peckham, New Cross

Cardiff needs to go somewhere which is brimming with legendary takeaways as much as Cathays and Roath have to offer. South west is too yuppy (although Infernos is the next step up from the SU), but with rent prices being so low in Cardiff, you’re not willing to pay up for somewhere even shitter than your Woodville Road establishment for quadruple the price. South east fits the bill perfectly, it’s cheap, and have you even heard of Morley’s? It’s your new Fam Fish.

UWE students just want to have a good time for cheap, and so they can in Canavan’s and Bussey. Peckham’s Rye Lane would be UWE students’ new home, especially Bussey Building and the Peckham Levels, particularly the staircase which would no doubt fill the Insta with the caption “vibes”.

South: Nottingham, Birmingham, Coventry

Where: Brixton, Camberwell, Herne Hill

Nothing overly exciting happens between south west and south east, with Brixton being the main attraction. It’s middle of the road, and you know what you’re getting: pop up street food market, a TKMaxx, several decent places to go out and some fun pubs – just your usual classic combination. A lot like Notts, Birmingham and Coventry – you can’t think of one thing really good about them but you know it’ll be a safe option for a good time.

You just want somewhere non-judgemental to wear your Adidas t-shirt, New Balance trainers and listen to Drake. You need the comfort of uni – but in London. Somewhere easy to go for pints with the boys before deciding between a large one in Phonox, Brixton Jamm or Prince of Wales.

North: Sheffield, Liverpool, Belfast, UEA

Where: Camden, King’s Cross

You went to Sheffield, Liverpool, Belfast or UEA for a 2:1, big nights out and lots of VK. The aspiration was never to get a first, but to have a work hard play hard mentality, learn how to strawpeedo and be hungover for over 50 per cent of the year.

Not quite ready to let go of the SU vibe – Kesha, Pitbull, Beyoncé etc – Sheffield, Liverpool, Belfast, UEA would be best suited in Camden. Jazz Cafe and Koko can become your playground – with all those Smirnoff Ice and tequila shots it’ll be just like uni! With all the UCL students around Euston and Bloomsbury, it’ll make the transition from uni to grad life that little bit less savage.

Plus for Sheffield, Liverpool and Belfast, coming down south is stressful enough. Anywhere south of the river too much south for any northener to handle.