I don’t need to be single to be a good feminist

Why is it that people think that feminists are going to be rubbish girlfriends? Granted, most teenage boys seem overly daunted by a girl who actually speaks her mind, who guffaws not giggles, and knows more than them about something. But even having found someone who likes you for your views not despite them, there is an implicit expectation (not necessarily from them, but normally  from society) to filter your views about the patriarchy because you’re with someone who benefits from it. But being in a relationship and being a feminist are not mutually exclusive. People who assume that getting in a relationship is you giving the world a sign that you’re giving up on feminism are the problem, and are the people that are giving feminists this weird guilty feeling, and making them second guess how they act when they’ve got a boyfriend.

Female friendships are part of this problem. You can support your friends and their hilarious single antics without partaking yourself – there’s no shame in going out on a girls night without your boyfriend. And yeah, it’s actually really fun sometimes. You can be the one to take the embarrassing club hook up Snapchats of your friends. You shouldn’t feel obliged to stay in and behave like a good obedient girlfriend – and if your boyfriend is difficult enough to make a problem about that, then he’s trying to control what you’re doing and that is a big red warning light. But also, your friends shouldn’t be making you feel bad for choosing to stay in now and again. You are allowed to do both. Single people who choose to stay in aren’t scrutinised in the same way – that’s not fair.

Something also absolutely crucial is to maintain your friendships. The most important part about being a feminist is supporting each other – and if you neglect to see your friends, you neglect to support them. You don’t have to spend every waking moment with them, but it’s more healthy and just part of being a better person to balance yourself between the people that matter in your life. Its not good for you to be completely reliant on one person for your happiness – nor is it particularly feminist. The point is that you can do both. Be in love, but love your friends too. They bring things to your life that boyfriends just can’t.

Being in a relationship does not make you any less empowered – including sexually. To do what you want to do and what you enjoy doesn’t require being single. In fact it’s probably easier to get good sex if you’re with someone you’re comfortable enough to talk to frankly about it. To nude or not to nude? Well, nudes are always a gamble, even with someone you trust, as who knows what’s going to happen down the line – but having someone love and appreciate you in your entirety is pretty cool, and pretty feminist too.

Personally I think the thing that holds all these things together is having an adequately socially woke bae. If they too want equal rights, more freedom and worth in society, they will get a big tick from your friends. Caring about the world is a trait that should be valued in the people we choose to surround ourselves with. The difference I’ve seen in friends between them being with someone who supports feminism and someone who doesn’t is kind of scary. They’re scared to do things they want, they’re less self confident, they don’t talk about things that matter to them – it’s really not very nice to see. But then when they’re with someone a bit more woke, they are happy, empowered and value themselves as a person because they don’t have someone telling them it’s bad or unattractive to do certain things or think in certain ways.

In my eyes, the real measure of a boy is how he treats the women in his life (tip – see what he’s like with his mum ASAP. Never fails to be telling). The happiest relationships I know of are ones in which the boy supports feminism, and isn’t scared to say it. It just means he has more respect for you as a person, and that he’ll treat you as an equal. As long as you make sure that you are being treated as you deserve to be treated, a boyfriend will not compromise your feminism.