If you wear any of these outfits on York campus, you need to sort yourself out

I hate to be the one to say it, but if you wear any of the following outfits you clearly have no shame. You’re most likely unsaveable… at least by me. If you’re offended please don’t hunt me down to hurt me, and if you do please take the crocs off first as they’re really not a good look.

Pyjamas (specifically on daytime Nisa trips)

Oh come on – do you have any respect for yourself? Do you really want to be known as the person who buys their milk at 11am in a hot pink barbie Oodie with food stains on it? If you do, you’re truly beyond help. Please sort yourself out fast, because who is going to respect you if you can’t even respect yourself? I can excuse this choice more if it’s anytime after 9pm as less people will see you, but even then, it’s still extremely questionable.

If you show up to your classes in pyjamas, I hate to break it to you but your professors have more than likely seen you and have very low opinions of you. This is arguably worse than the walk of shame because at least the clothes you leave a one night stand’s flat in are hot…

Night out clothes past 6am

This is just pushing it considering how dead York nightlife is. You’re a hot mess who goes out five nights a week yet wonder why you’ve got the worst sleeping pattern imaginable and wake up with no appetite (it’s not quirky to wake up at 3pm, it’s concerning).

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In the case of my friend who once rocked up home at 9am still drunk with cat whiskers drawn on her face, you really don’t want to be this member of campus because that shame and hangxiety will truly haunt you for the rest of your life. If you insist to remain this way, can I recommend a little bit of water in between your drinks in future?

Shorts in winter

You’re literally not impressing anybody and your legs have turned blue, give me one reason why you’re actually choosing to wear shorts in two degree weather? I can guarantee that it’s stupid. Does the question “are you not cold” ever get old? Or do you just crave the attention this outfit choice gets you… I’m leaning towards the second one. Grow up, sorry x

Make up free, joggers and a hoodie

I fall so deeply into this category that it’s humbling. The amount of times I’ve lied in bed in the morning and decided not to put makeup on all for an extra 30 horizontal minutes is horrifyingly embarrassing. Moving along, joggers and hoodies may be comfortable… but wear one or the other because when you pair them together you just look like a prison escapee.

They can’t really be styled up, you just look quite a bit lazy. Fair enough, I guess? If you’re going to choose to wear both at once, at least put in the effort of mascara and lipgloss, or you’re just admitting that you value aimless rot time more than your appearance.

Crocs/sliders with no socks

Nobody wants to see your toes. Honestly, I hope you get blisters from your Crocs (or sliders) rubbing against your feet just for subjecting others to seeing you run around campus with your toes out.

Again – have some respect, there’s creepy men online who’d pay to see your bare feet so why are you giving it away for free to unsoliciting strangers who are just trying to make it through their day without crying? Think about that. There’s multiple layers to what is wrong with you for even choosing to own Crocs in the first place, but are you really that lazy that you can’t put on socks… or at the very least paint your damn toenails?

Band merch

You’re a student, you have no excuse to be giving £40 or more to rich bands when your student loan doesn’t even cover your rent. If you’re anything like me, your parents have told you multiple times that you let concerts rule your life and your mum is extremely concerned for your financial situation because of this as you “don’t see the bigger picture”. Okay mum.

Saying all that, if you want the overpriced hoodie just buy it. Don’t actually take my advice, this campus outfit choice is the reason I need to sort my own life out. Realistically, why do I own 15 Vamps t-shirts that I don’t wear?

Skateboard

Technically not an accessory but I’ve seen a fair few “cool guys” walking around campus with one strapped to their backs. What ever happened to backpacks? I’m honestly starting to think that guys that ride skateboards are surgically attached to them. Get off of Tumblr and pick up a textbook. You’re not impressing anybody and you’re far from edgy – literally just walk or get on a bike.

At least use the cycle lane, the walking path is thin enough as it is without having to dodge you laying on the floor after falling off for the fifth time, trying to impress us with your mediocre tricks.

Tote bags

Could you make it any more obvious that you’re an English Literature student? As a literature student with 10 tote bags myself, a common phrase I use on campus is “if you ever get lost trying to find your room, follow the tote bags and you’ll end up in the right place”, and it’s genuinely never failed me.

If you’re walking around campus with a tote bag, I will automatically assume that you’re on your way to a Shakespeare seminar, especially if said tote bag was bought in Waterstones. Their bags are definitely cute but parading around that you shop in bookstores is kinda tacky in my opinion… sorry. This is less drastic than my previous outfit critiques but maybe still sort yourself out a little.

A blanket in the Ron Cooke Hub

If you do this you’ve truly hit rock bottom and I hope you claw your way out of it soon. It’s likely assignment season when this becomes your staple fit so I won’t judge you too harshly as I understand the struggle… maybe just go back home if studying has resorted to you laying your head on your laptop, trying not to cry while wrapped up in a blanket.

You need to sort yourself out by learning how to start projects way before the deadline so you don’t end up this way. Maybe also learn how to allow yourself sufficient study breaks so you don’t burn yourself out and feel even worse. If this is or has ever been you, I pity you.

Uni sports team jacket with your name on

We get it… you play sports. Now grow a personality. Sorry that was a tad harsh but please please please sort yourself out. I know full well that your wash cycle isn’t thorough enough for that jacket to be clean and worn as often as you do.

Be proud of the sport you play by all means but nobody else actually cares, especially not enough for you to make it your entire personality. Why do you insist on walking around with your name plastered on your clothing so often, are you afraid you’ll forget who you are or something? I sure wish I had the ability to forget you!

A Norton anthology

This is my friend Alice. She doesn’t even do English Literature, but that huge book of critics has her in a chokehold. It’s an accessory at this point. I fear the ending of her time as a silly fresher has turned her insane. All pray for our dear friend.

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