I’m a fully grown man and I’ve never used a urinal in my life

For most men, trips to the urinal are more than everyday. Perhaps you get ruffled by the men standing next to you, but ultimately it’s a quick pilgrimage – you’re not hanging around. If it’s the cubicle you need, you’re there for something else entirely.

I, however, head straight to the porcelain bowl regardless of what I’m up to. I have never used a urinal in my life, and I have no intention of ever using one.

The urinal has never been a part of my life. As a child standing up when weeing seemed baffling. Toilet time was when you read Simpsons comics, why would you spend that time standing up? I did not feel compelled to change my toilet habits during my teens – the urinal has always seemed the inferior option.

It baffles me why anyone would ever turn down an excuse for a nice sit down. Why is everyone in such a rush that they must get out of the toilet as soon as possible? It is refreshing to take your time, to reflect and to take the world at a more sedate pace. That, and my Temple Run score is almost certainly better than yours.

I’m not an antisocial person, but the thought of having to engage in conversation with some random guy while weeing does fill me with anxiety. My toilet time is my me time. The three walls of the cubicle are my barrier to the world, which nothing can break through.

For some reason, contemporary masculinity dictates that six to eight times a day, we must stand next to our fellow man and engage in mundane conversation. What about having my genitals out makes it look like that I want to talk to you about the weather? I go for a little sit down and keep myself to myself.

But the strangest thing is people don’t seem to realise that there’s no one stopping you from going to the cubicle and not taking a shit. Countless times, I have walked into the gents to encounter a line for the urinal, while the cubicles remain unoccupied.

By now, many friends have ridiculed me. But I am a proud sit-down-urinator, and I don’t care who knows it. I know the patriarchy sucks, but when it comes to toilets, women have it best. Join my sit-down revolution.