Cringe of the Week! Totally normal girl Taylor Swift falls off a running machine

Tay is a normal girl just like you

Cringe: part of you wants to laugh but what you’re seeing is uncomfortable. It makes your skin crawl. It’s embarrassing, it’s awkward, and like a motorway pile-up, you can’t take your eyes off it, even though you want to. This is Cringe of The Week. 

That time Taylor Swift listened to Drake on a running machine and then facepalmed because she is such a normal girl, just like you in fact:

How nice and how normal was that?

Taylor Swift, enjoying some downtime from being the most famous gal in the world, doing a little exercise. And I suppose, given the breadth of her celebrity, its supernova like megatonnage, constantly exploding and reigniting across your newsfeeds on a daily basis, you might expect her exercise routine to be unlike yours, because you are just a normal human being after all.

But wait, hang on, hang the fuck on: she hates cardio! Wait a minute… I hate cardio! You hate cardio! Does that mean… No… What if… Taylor Swift is a normal girl like all the other normal girls.

If you thought Tay was a terrifying peroxide bimbo, constructed by an army of PRs – a masterpiece of post-postmodern controlled illusion – well you were wrong. Tay Tay is a human being, a perspiring, anxious, cardio hatin’ human being, clumsier than a stilt-wearing giraffe thrust onto an ice rink. If she falls over like that, while un-selfconsciously ranting along to Jumpman like each and every one of us have done into a mirror at some point, then she must be a normal girl just like you.

And hey, it even says “based on true events” so it must be absolutely not at all false and not the slightest bit disingenuous.

So normal!

So normal!

Taylor Swift is a normal girl like you.

Taylor Swift is a normal girl like you; Taylor Swift has won seven Grammy Awards, 22 Billboard Music Awards, and 16 American Music Awards.

Taylor Swift is a normal girl like you; Taylor Swift has an estimated net worth of $200 million, generated primarily from music, touring, and endorsements.

Taylor Swift is a normal girl like you; Taylor Swift is crazy paranoid about being secretly recorded. She revealed in a 2014 Rolling Stone interview: “The janitor who’s being paid by TMZ [could record me]. This is gonna sound like I’m a crazy person–but we don’t even know. I have to stop myself from thinking about how many aspects of technology I don’t understand.”

Taylor Swift is a normal girl like you.

Completely normal!

Completely normal!

Look, before you say, “Will, don’t you understand, don’t you get it, Tay is trying to be cringe”, I will say to you reader, yes, I realise that she’s trying to be cringe. That’s what makes those thirty seconds drag so hard. Pretending to be cringe when you’re not, pretending to be normal when you’re not – that’s fucking cringe. That’s hard to watch. Consider poor Drake’s expression (a Drake who’s trying to get some cred by hanging out with Section Boyz) when he saw that pop up in his mentions earlier. He looks at that like wtf Taylor can you not please. 

I admit to being more than mildly disquieted by Taylor Swift. I am very close to being terrified by Taylor Swift. By the sterility of her appearance, harsh like a bright light in your face after hours of sleep. By the way she appears to keep poor, neutered Ed Sheeran as some kind of pet. By the way her piggybacking of feminism, a gimmicky product of her army – assistants with assistants, secretaries with secretaries, agents with agents, publicists with publicists  – the way that’s applauded as if it’s anything more than a cynical money grab.

Taylor Swift isn’t normal. Just look at her arm for God’s sake:

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Remind you of anything?

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I’m not saying she’s a shape shifting killer robot, but, like, would you really be surprised?

I wouldn’t.

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