Besides being offensive, the new Brixton McDonald’s is really ugly

Seriously though, we waited a month for this

After a month-long refurbishment, the Brixton McDonald’s reopened yesterday.

The restaurant has been decorated with graffiti tags sprayed over the lampshades and walls, a move which angry locals have described as “offensive” and “misguided”.

While both observations are fair, there’s something else wrong with the restaurant’s design. It’s just really hideous.

In an attempt to nail that Brixton vibe, McDonald’s has failed gloriously: the lampshades might have been found in bins and the “feature wall” looks like someone forgot to paint it over.

There’s something bleak about picturing the interior designer they hired fretting over the best way to spray-paint nonsense words like “BAKA” on cylindrical lampshades. Even the graffiti itself is woefully shit, like something from a Bart Simpson lunchbox in the ’90s.

And the company’s defence of the new store’s stupid design sounds like a parody of itself. “The exciting and fresh designs used in Brixton are in use across the UK,” a spokesperson said, successfully becoming the first person to have used “fresh” as a synonym for exciting since Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch.

The issue is, McDonald’s have gone far beyond their remit and paid the price. No-one goes to a Maccy D’s expecting the Hoxton Grill, so you’d think it would be easy to design a new branch which doesn’t offend half of London. It’s not “exciting”, it’s not “fresh” – it’s an attempt at appealing to young customers which has failed miserably.

Why couldn’t we have had red plastic benches and murals of Ronald McDonald? The new Brixton branch’s attempt at being cool is like your dad trying to rock a pair of Yeezys, and no-one wants to see that.

So please, McDonald’s, stick to linoleum floors and lime green light-fittings next time – for all our sakes.