Some boys made a hilarious list of questions they want to ask their girlfriends and I tried to answer them

It’s really easy to laugh at boys.

Firstly, there are all the different ways in which they comply – unwittingly – to cliche. Even in their 20s, they are bad at washing themselves, feeding themselves, expressing themselves and equipping themselves for the realities of their lives. They are frustrating and infuriating. I know bright, brilliant boys with proper jobs – boys who are excelling in adult careers – who are flabbergasted by simple things like closing cupboard doors when they have fetched a bowl. It is always boys who fail to do this.

And it is easy, as a girl, to be superior. We have been told, our entire lives, that we mature much faster than boys. This breeds smugness. Granted, it’s slim consolation for all the other gender inequalities writ large across society – but it does mean that when something like “14 men reveal the questions they’re too scared to ask their girlfriends but still want to know the answers to” appears,  then we are inclined – automatically – to crack our hands with glee and pile in to laugh at the stupid, stupid boys.

Such a list exists – it ran on Thought Catalog and  was picked up today. Unsurprisingly, most of the questions are about sex: how many in total, how many at one time, how much she’s enjoying it when they’re having it. Gio wants to know “how often she masturbates, because depending on the answer, I might be offended”. Patrick wants to know how his penis measures up to that of the other guys she’s slept with, obviously. A lot of the boys are warily curious about the “other” guys she’s slept with; a few of them are thinking about some of the girls she might have slept with.

One of them is wondering about her knickers – specifically, how often she washes them. Another wants to know if his girlfriend’s boobs are real. And one wants to know if she looks into the crevasses of her own vagina with a mirror. “I saw this thing on TV where women look at themselves with a mirror, it was really weird.” Yes Kevin, that is weird.

This the full list of questions.

1. ‘I really want to know how many people she’s slept with, but we just started dating, might be a little too personal. Plus, what if she’s slept with more than I’d like to know? Probably better to just never ask that question.’ Luke, 24

2. ‘If she’d be willing to have a threesome. I’d totally be down, but she’ll probably think I want to hook up with other chicks if I ask.’ Trey, 25

4. ‘How often she masturbates, because depending on the answer I might be offended.’ Gio, 26

5. ‘If she ever wears her underwear a second time without washing them. I wouldn’t judge, I’d just like to know.’ Sam, 25

6. ‘If she’s actually over her ex. Something I continuously worry about, yes, I’m insecure.’ Kyle, 24

7. ‘How my penis compares to other guys she has slept with.’ Patrick, 25

8. ‘If she’s ever been pregnant before. Pregnancy scares made me think of that one, but I wouldn’t ever actually ask her that. Too touchy of a subject, but I’m still curious.’ Bobby, 24

9. ‘If her boobs are real. Too early in the relationship to venture down that road. I mean technically it’s a compliment because they’re so perfect.’ Victor, 23

10. ‘If she’s ever had sex with a girl. I know she had a rowdy college phase, but I don’t want her to think I’m assuming she’s more promiscuous than she actually is.’ Ricky, 24

11. ‘How many children she wants to have, if any. If I ask her that she will think I’m trying to put a bun in her oven, and I’m not, but for future references I’d like to know.’ Rob, 26 

12. ‘I’d love to know the dirtiest thing she’s ever done, but I’m way too embarrassed to actually ask her that.’ Jason, 22

13. ‘If she ever looks at her own vagina. I saw this thing on TV where women look at themselves with a mirror, it was really weird.’ Kevin, 23

14. ‘What she really thinks of my performance in the bedroom. I guess I’m not scared to ask, I just wish I could read her mind to know if she’s telling the truth.’ Anthony, 25

I wanted to answer them; I wanted to be purist about it and argue that it is sad and regressive that boys cannot address intimate questions with their girlfriends – that relationships are about openness and transparency, probably, and a fear of talking about sex might have a pernicious trickle down effect. That it could reassert, inadvertently, the idea of female sexuality as something to be feared, or judged. And that if we could all have a chat about things then maybe we’d just have a better time.

And then I thought about all the things that I’ve probably wanted to ask boyfriends at some point and never, ever could or would. Not all of them are grave or existential; not all of them are about sex. Sometimes admitting you’re curious about something banal is very exposing; talking about things can be more intimate than shagging is.

Some of them are almost sweet. For example, if you squint, the one who wants to know if she has fake tits means it as a compliment (“they’re so perfect”). And of course some are regressive – it shouldn’t matter how many people anyone has slept with, really – but you don’t enlighten people by laughing at them.

I thought the list had made me angry, but instead it made me realise we’re probably not that different, really. Girls definitely aren’t much more mature than boys. And perhaps realising that would make us less scared to ask each other questions about our genitals. And isn’t that the real objective of gender equality?