CourtNewsUK is the best way to understand London right now

Most tweets are infinitely discardable: they form an endless, relentless parade of shit vines, shit memes and shit beefs. But there is one account that’s different, that reveals a lava of absurdity and brutality under the crust of daily, average London life.

It’s @CourtNewsUK. They’re reporting from courts across London. That’s it. That’s what they do. I could explain it in detail,I could go in-depth and dissect what it all means but I don’t really have to. I’ll let the tweets tweet for themselves.

This is not a parody account, this shit is for real

Saudi millionaire cleared of raping teen after claiming he accidentally penetrated her when he slipped and fell

— CourtNewsUK (@CourtNewsUK) December 15, 2015

Ooft

Saudi millionaire accused of rape said he innocently went to speak to teenager, but penis may have been poking out the top of his trousers

— CourtNewsUK (@CourtNewsUK) December 11, 2015

Meanwhile, in Barnet

A Barnet FC steward told the court he was 'terrified' when he was beaten with an inflatable shark: 'It was only my second football game'

— CourtNewsUK (@CourtNewsUK) July 13, 2015

Justice is done

Grimsby Town fan found guilty of common assault and handed conditional discharge after hitting Barnet FC steward with an inflatable shark

— CourtNewsUK (@CourtNewsUK) July 13, 2015

To be the man, you have to beat the Western imperialist system

In what must be a first, Woolwich Crown Court has just been shown a video during a terror trial of WWE legend Rick Flair shouting 'wooooo'

— CourtNewsUK (@CourtNewsUK) November 4, 2015

It’s quite scary sometimes

Police are looking for this individual after the discovery of a woman's body in Acton this morning. pic.twitter.com/XhPC4QcpjL

— CourtNewsUK (@CourtNewsUK) July 27, 2015

There are still plenty of Cockneys out there, if this is anything to go by

Hatton Garden suspect Bill Lincoln says he was at Billingsgate fish market at the time of the burglary with his mate 'Jimmy two baths'

— CourtNewsUK (@CourtNewsUK) December 16, 2015

The greatest Ealing comedy never made

Hatton Garden burglar John 'Kenny' Collins, 75, fell asleep when he was supposed to be acting as the gang's lookout from across the road

— CourtNewsUK (@CourtNewsUK) January 14, 2016

Can we get ‘wombat thick old cunt’ printed on some t-shirts please?

Collins, described as a 'wombat thick old cunt', drove his own distinctive white Mercedes to the scene allowing police to crack the case

— CourtNewsUK (@CourtNewsUK) January 14, 2016

As you do

Meerkat specialist found guilty of glassing monkey specialist over llama lover at London Zoo Christmas Party

— CourtNewsUK (@CourtNewsUK) September 25, 2015

Ex London Zoo meerkat specialist Caroline Westlake spared jail for glassing monkey keeper colleague in love triangle scrap over llama keeper

— CourtNewsUK (@CourtNewsUK) October 14, 2015

Nudity!

Judge to serial flasher: 'Let me put it bluntly – no-one wants to see your penis.'

— CourtNewsUK (@CourtNewsUK) January 6, 2016

Wife of man reputed to have a large member tells the Old Bailey it is of 'normal' length and girth.

— CourtNewsUK (@CourtNewsUK) June 30, 2015

Drugs!

Ex Kids Company psychologist Helen Winter admits being high on MDMA while working with vulnerable youngsters for the failed charity #Mandy

— CourtNewsUK (@CourtNewsUK) January 7, 2016

Psychologist Helen Winter now having to explain to an older member of the panel what 'gurning' is when one is tripping on MDMA #Swinging

— CourtNewsUK (@CourtNewsUK) January 8, 2016

Fat chance of this happening

Disgraced ex Kids Company psychologist says she can't have taken MDMA with vulnerable woman in club toilet as woman was too fat for cubicle

— CourtNewsUK (@CourtNewsUK) January 8, 2016

Celebrity glamour!

DJ Neil Fox made a female colleague squeeze her breasts together and pretend they were talking to him

— CourtNewsUK (@CourtNewsUK) November 5, 2015

Glamour is probably the wrong word actually

DJ Neil Fox 'put 2 tangerines to his groin and thrust back and forward' in front of a group of people

— CourtNewsUK (@CourtNewsUK) November 10, 2015

You’re the first, the last, my everything

A Barry White soundalike keeps saying, 'mmm, that's right,' in the public gallery after every point made by the judge at Camberwell Mags.

— CourtNewsUK (@CourtNewsUK) January 22, 2016

The most important things in life

'PUSSY MONEY WEED' Just a sample from a 6ft span of unsightly scribblings along the wall in the public gallery here.

— CourtNewsUK (@CourtNewsUK) January 22, 2016

I mean, they’re not incorrect

Witness asked to describe the sound of an explosion shouts 'bang' into the microphone

— CourtNewsUK (@CourtNewsUK) November 27, 2015

So many questions that I don’t want to know the answers to

Monkey head trader also caught with bestiality pics pic.twitter.com/tDB7vqEpHc

— CourtNewsUK (@CourtNewsUK) January 12, 2016

The course of true love never did run smooth

Here's the person who set a woman on fire because she didn't fancy him. He doesn't seem a bit remorseful pic.twitter.com/dWadGUotSw

— CourtNewsUK (@CourtNewsUK) December 11, 2014

If you don’t follow it you should start now.