Our readers confess the weirdest places they’ve had sex
In your parents’ bed, graveyards, swimming pools – these are all fairly normal entries for the weirdest place you’ve had sex. We found a few that were a bit too weird.
We were at a party at this girl’s house, and it was huge. I’m talking guest house at the end of the garden, a barn, and fields and fields of land – which makes it seem even more stupid we decided to have sex where we did. In our defence, this girl and I thought we were just sneaking off into the woods out the back of the house for a quick shag, plus it was pissing it down and we were both in skimpy fancy dress so we were in a bit of a rush. We started up against a tree and ended up having sex in the grass, almost within view of the party (which was outside). I went home very pleased with myself, but by the middle of the next morning I was in agony as horrific angry red welts and sores started to spread all the way from the back of my legs, up my arse and back and all down my arms. For most of the day I thought I’d contracted some sort of horrific STI, until she texted me a picture of the massive bed of stinging nettles we’d decided to do the deed in.
There are not a lot of things to do in Surrey on a warm summer’s day. The stately homes are dull and full of people moments away from death and any open space is full of families trying to cram in some PG fun before they all go back to the lives they hate. But, towards the end of August, when the days are still long and the days are still hot enough, pick your own fruit farms are the place to be. It wasn’t busy and we were the only people in the strawberry fields. Before I knew it, we were going at it behind a hedge, punnets flying around, berries going everywhere.
In my first relationship, there was just something about forests and walking dogs. It was probably a time to escape the parents for a long enough time to actually have sex. The snow episode wasn’t the worst though, that was just funny. We went on a Sunday afternoon stroll once with my two dogs. They were more unruly so we tied them to a tree and went round the corner by a pond. It was a bit off putting – it was the middle of summer and we only realised half way through the pond had gone stagnant and there were a lot of flies around. I got a bite on my bum, from a fly not her, and when we came back we found a random walker petting my dogs. Safe to say that was the end of shagging in the forest. I passed my driving test weeks later and the problem was solved.
There was one boy I’d always kind of fancied from my hometown – we’d done stuff before when I was in sixth form but it never got serious. So when I went back home to visit a few weeks ago, I was surprised to see he was still interested after all these years. Nothing happened on the night out, just some flirting, but we were the last two people in the cab when he told me how he really felt about me. We got out of the cab to talk about it near his house, but he lived with his parents and I couldn’t go back. Instead we went to the nearest bus stop and shagged – it was years of tension, rolled into one moment, made slightly less sexy by the fact I was wearing tights. We finished and got our respective cabs home.
For some reason we’d ended up at this really weird after party where neither of us really knew anyone. I really, really fancied this guy but couldn’t take him back to mine because I had friends staying over. There were people in literally every other room, so naturally we went into the stairwell outside the flat and started having sex. Then people started to leave the party and caught us. There was no where left but the front garden of the block of flats, bending over the gate.
I was on holiday with my girlfriend and her family who I had never met before. It was her dad’s 50th birthday and he hired a fairly big boat to host a party. We had a nice civilised time and the wine was flowing. Later on my grilfriend and I went below the deck and squeezed into a tiny engine room. It was so cramped and claustrophobic, but we started having sex anyway. Two minutes later, the boat’s engine cut out. Half the party streamed down and into the engine room. We had to pretend we were trying to fix the engine.
My grandparents had recently passed away and they had handed down a full sized snooker table. My boyfriend and I had been tasked with finding a way of getting it out of the room in their house (obviously not a thing). We ended up moving away from the matter in hand and, in short, had sex on my dead grandparents’ snooker table.
I was with my first proper boyfriend, and was really glad that I’d managed to get into a really shit club with my fake ID. The club was really small and there was only one mixed toilet downstairs for girls and boys, and he followed me in there and next thing I know we were having sex against the door in the tiniest bathroom in the world. We weren’t very subtle, and someone in the queue waiting outside complained so we were stopped by an angry woman kicking us out.
I first met this girl at our university summer ball and we hit it off straight away. We got drunk and scoured places to have sex, but everywhere was too busy. So we scaled an eight-foot fence behind the back of a marquee. Security caught a glimpse but we ran into the forest. We found a nice space under a huge oak tree, but cars with huge torchlights kept passing by. The excitement and adrenaline was fun, but that night I found out sex isn’t enjoyable when you’re constantly having to anxiously duck and hide behind shrubbery to avoid other people.
A distant friend’s birthday party and a girl I nearly-but-never-quite went out with is there. It only takes a few drinks to get us to the point where we’re violently making out with each other. When the party winds up, the girl’s friends want to go out on the town but it’s clear neither of us are in a fit state to really come (and nor do we want to). With few other options, one of the girls gives me the key to her Mini, asks that we don’t drive it anywhere and leaves us to it. Parked on the High Street. On a Friday night. Two things I learned. One: cars are awkward enough places to have sex as it is but when it’s in a car with very little room to manoeuvre it’s barely fun for either of you. Two: nobody pays attention to a Mini Cooper rocking back-and-forth with steamed up windows. Not enough to interrupt anyway.
I’m not proud of this, but when I was 16 me and my ex were on a long bus journey back from the airport. It was late, and really dark, so I started to doze off on his lap and one thing led to another. Yes, it was a bus but it’s not like people were close enough to see or anything. It was really dark, we were on the back seat and hardly any people there, plus they were all sat at the front.
I’d just started dating this guy, it was the first time I’d properly started sex and as much as it makes me cringe now, we were really into each other. One afternoon we were in the kitchen while his parents were in the living room next door. It started out innocently, just kissing, then next thing I was up on the kitchen counter with my legs around him. The door wasn’t even shut and his parents could have literally walked in any second, which looking back is so gross, especially for him, but I genuinley wasn’t thinking about anything but what we were doing at the time.
My boyfriend and I were out with friends and after a fair amount of booze and after enough dancing we started feeling a little frisky so decided to leave. We had walked for about five minutes when we could wait no longer. Instead of looking for the obvious choice of a subtle little cubby hole to shag in, our drunken minds decided to go bold. The olympic rings stood proud, tall and brightly lit at the time in the middle of the green outside the museum. So we decided it would be a top spot for some top sex. We had sex for maybe five minutes then decided to move on to our next rogue location. We walked a little further until we got to the statue of Neptune and his bitch in his sweet ride outside the Glamorgan building. It seemed appropriate to get down and dirty under the watchful eye of the God of the sea… Again five minutes passed and we decided to move on in our sexventure.
The Welsh Embassy building was the next attraction which gave us the horn…naturally. The wall outside was small enough to mount so we continued our sexual journey on top if it. I’m sure the CCTV cameras would have provided some great morning entertainment for the workers of the embassy. Or just some tragic footage of two wasted freshers trying not to fall off the wall mid bone. Sorry not sorry Ambassador.
I was with my ex boyfriend and a big group of friends at a small festival – by small, I mean we were essentially camping in a car park with about 50 other people. I’m not even sure why we went. Instead of seeing any of the music, my ex and I had a massive drunken argument while we were all outside our tents, I can’t even remember what about, but evidently we got over it and dove into our tent giggling to have the make up sex. It had been raining all day, the tent was gross, and we thought we were being really quiet. We weren’t, and he threw the used condom out of the front of the tent so that it landed on our friends’ boot. It was all-around unpleasant.
We left a club in central London, and tried to find somewhere private. The nearest suitable amenity was a phonebox. It was textbook- smelled of piss, wallpapered with ads for prozzas, a homeless man sleeping within five feet. After a herculean effort I managed to hoist the lucky lady up around my waist and gingerly jumped up and down to get some momentum going. It lasted for ten minutes, my calves were dead after and I could feel bruises blossoming on my pelvis. On the way out of the phonebox the homeless man made an unconvincing effort at feigning sleep, but I knew he had been watching.
It was the summer a few years ago when Avicii was everywhere. I was doing a season in Croatia and my crew for the week had a VIP table at Ultra festival first event in Europe in this massive Russian era stadium. The VIP area was on a raise platform on one side of the stadium, perpendicular to the stage and if you slipped under a rope gave you access to the upper tier of stadium seating. I can’t remember much about the girl except she was fit enough for my Swedish mate to want to get with her, she was from Melbourne and she was up for anything.
Fortunately my Swedish mate didn’t speak the best English and was struggling over the noise, so I stepped in and saved him from himself. We took some of this dodgy powder that was doing the rounds that Summer called glitter powder (basically coke and glitter) and headed up into the stands. We went all the way to the top and started getting off. Avicii was halfway through his set, he was smashing it and there were thousands of people below us in front of the stage. One thing led to another and she ended up bent over a lighting rig up in the stands with me behind her. Avicii started playing levels, there was a lot of moaning coming from her (classic Aussie) and I came. It was great, but a bit weird. If anyone had looked up from the crowd it wouldn’t have left much to the imagination. I think I’m pretty extroverted but tens of thousands of people watching you mid-act was pretty strange. Until the security guards spotted us and we had to run back into the VIP area completely naked carrying out clothes. I hid behind my Swedish mate while I put my clothes back on and never saw her again.
I was travelling in Vietnam when a few of us in our hostel decided to meet some friends at another hostel who were going out. There was this really fit guy there and we got chatting and ended up getting with each other in the club. As the night drew to a close I thought “fuck it” and decided to go back to this guy’s hostel. We were both so drunk we just passed out in the 16-bed room, but we were both really horny in the morning and annoyed we’d missed our chance the night before. We did a quick scan of the room to see if anyone was awake yet before trying to quietly have sex on the bottom bunk. Two minutes in someone starts coughing and texting on their phone, but we carried on anyway.
We met up again in a different city, and this time my friend also pulled his friend. We all ended up going back to their hostel together and had sex in adjacent shower cubicles. You could hear EVERYTHING and it became a bit of a competition as to who could last the longest. It got a bit weird.