Every single desperate text you will send to your landlord

Really sorry. Rent is going to be a bit late this month
Insert some weak excuse about not getting paid on time or “cash flow” problems. Grovelling about how you’ll pay the next rent instalment early might help but don’t expect any kisses on the message they send back.

One of the chairs in the living room broke last night
We didn’t have a party. Nobody came round. It happened because of gradual wear and tear over time. It was basically broken when we moved in. We went to Ikea but they didn’t have the same one so we realised you’d definitely notice. Is this going to affect my deposit?

Just wanted to let you know the washing machine is broken
Sorry to bother you on a Sunday night. Rebecca was using it today and it just stopped working. You don’t want to go to the laundrette because this isn’t Friends and they aren’t cool like they were in the 90s any more. It’s fine though because the landlord won’t take long to reply and get it sorted.

Hi just wanted to see if you got my last message about the washing machine breaking
It’s been a couple of days so I wanted to check in. The washing machine is not working.

When will the washing machine be fixed?
We’ve been using the laundrette for a week. It’s probably a no but worth asking if there’s any way we can get the price reimbursed?

URGENT: did you see my last message about the washing machine getting fixed?
Please respond.

We keep getting letters for the old tenants
Can you forward them on? We’ve been getting doctors notes and copies of Wildlife Magazine for a few months now. We’re only getting in contact now because we feel guilty and can’t keep hiding them in the drawer.

Would it be OK if we got a dog?
The contract says no pets, so it’s almost definitely going to be a no. When the landlord asks why the plumber said he heard barking when he came round just say you have no idea.

It wasn’t someone subletting the room from Airbnb. It was a friend staying honestly
I don’t know how he found out, but he did and he’s not happy. Worth deleting your Airbnb profile right now.

I won’t be in the next day or the day after either, can you move the viewing to Wednesday?
This is you obviously trying to buy more time before the landlord turns up and sees the mess in the kitchen.

What should I do about that bit of mould in the living room?
FYI mould spray or even bleach would fix this. You’re not going to get the whole room repainted because of it.

This is really embarrassing but we lost a front door key do you have any spares?
Currently you’re doing shifts with the keys you have left but last night Joe got locked out for half an hour and you realised it’s time to confess the landlord.

Can I get that in writing please?
This is you playing hardball. Showing that landlord who’s boss. Shame they’ll just be like: “This is in writing”.