I spoke to a sexpert about how to go down on girls

Every writer on the internet who is not too dumb or too overconfident to notice what is going on knows that they do what they do to get attention.

About a month ago I wrote an essay called “Why I don’t go down on girls”. It received a lot of attention.

In an era of listicles and endless slideshows; of clickbait headlines and algorithm-driven content, I wrote something real and vulnerable and shocking. 

Unsurprisingly, it pissed off a lot of people. 

And in the end, I think some of the anger was justified. If people took away from the piece the notion that women’s bodies are gross, vaginas are gross and ejaculate is gross than that’s a mistake, and it’s my fault.

Yesterday I spoke to Rebecca Dakin, who’s been described as the Great British Sexpert, about squirting, orgasms, one night stands and my fucked up attitude towards about sex.

This is the conversation we had.

How normal is it for a woman to ejaculate? 

If it happens you should consider yourself very lucky.

OK. What’s the science behind it? Why does it happen?

It occurs, basically, when you’ve hit the right spot. You have to be very good at what you’re doing to get a women to ejaculate. There are a lot of guys who would love to be with a woman who does it. It’s usually a g-spot thing, so presumably you were using your fingers at the same time?

Yeah.

So it’s the fingers that stimulated the g-spot and brought her to an amazing orgasm. A lot of guys think they’ve brought girls to an orgasm when they haven’t, so you should really be patting yourself on the back for it, not feeling ashamed.

Can a woman ejaculate without having an orgasm? Or are the two things inseparable? 

No, women can obviously orgasm without ejaculating. It’s known as being a squirter, girls that are easily stimulated via the G-spot will squirt. You’ll also find girls who don’t, even if they are stimulated there as well.

There’s no right or wrong. It’s not usually something that people can control. It just happens and it’s definitely a good thing. It’s not wee or anything like that, it’s sex juice.

After I wrote the article there was this huge sort of sub-argument going on alongside all the other ones about what female ejaculate actually is. I ended up reading so much contradictory stuff about it that I decided I had no idea what it is. Which is quite dumb. So could you explain whether it’s piss or not? 

It’s not piss. You can’t wee from out of your vagina, it’s a completely different spot. It comes from inside the vagina. There’s a lot of guys who specifically look for women who will ejaculate, who will soak the sheets – that’s what does it for them, so for some people it’s a massive, massive turn on.

I can imagine if you’ve never experienced it before, when it happens it could come as a bit of a shock.

I guess it was…

You should be patting yourself on the back Will!

There are a lot of guys who’d like to hit that spot! It probably had nothing to do with what you were doing with your mouth by the way.

So it’s all about the G-spot then?

Yeah.

For a guy who doesn’t like going down on girls very much, is that it? In terms of prolonged sexual plausibility, am I completely screwed? Is it that important?

It depends. There are women who don’t like it. If you don’t like it you should probably go out with someone like that. But then would you expect her to go down on you?

Errmmmmm, yeah? 

That might be OK. There are no rules here. You could end up with someone who doesn’t like receiving but likes giving.

It’s really down to you, whether this is something you want to carry with you. What you’ve experienced is a very normal thing, if you’re going to allow that to dictate the rest of your love life, I think you’ll be losing out. The orgasm you wrote about, would be, for most women, an exciting orgasm to have.

How long ago did it happen?

In my first year of university. I was 19. 

The thing is, when you start having sex you don’t know about these things, you’re still learning new things and there will be surprises.

That’s true. I didn’t really know much about sex to be perfectly honest. I went to a Catholic school where the sex education essentially boiled down to “don’t have sex”. I don’t feel like I was well prepared. 

That’s fine. But what is it now about going down on a girl that makes you think “I don’t want to do that?” The fear that it might happen again?

After everything that’s happened I feel like I’ve lost touch with the reasons. It’s just a fuzzy mental block now. Then there’s part of me that realises I’ve been incredibly selfish. 

You should relax a bit if you’re that good with your fingers. Does that not put a different light on it, that there are people who want to have orgasms like that?

I suppose so, yeah. But then I have been considering something quite a few people have said to me, which is that they don’t actually like it when guys go down on them, or at least some of the time. They often think men perform oral sex for their own gratification.

You’re just looking for an excuse not to do it!

Well… Not an excuse, but I do think in the debate after the article there was this sense that everyone enjoys oral sex all the time whereas the reality is that it can be quite shit as well. 

Yeah, everyone is different. What’s interesting for me about what you’re saying is that this is your issue, your mental block and instead of dealing with it, addressing it or getting past it, you’re more interested in trying to pretend it doesn’t exist.

Yeah, so not really the best way of dealing with it… 

The thing to remember is you’re in control here. If you don’t want to make a girl squirt, don’t stimulate her G-spot. Just because a couple of people who’ve contacted you don’t like receiving it, doesn’t mean there aren’t plenty of women out there who do like it and expect it.

I really do think I should try and understand and participate in the, err, oral sex bonanza that’s clearly going on everywhere. I do feel like I’ve fucked up a bit. 

Well you should think about the skills you have and feel lucky for having them.

When it happened it was during a drunken one night stand, and it hasn’t happened since and it never happened before. The only thing I really remember from that night is being ejaculated on. So I think it would be disingenuous to present myself as some kind of sex god. 

Was it a lot of ejaculate? Because with girls it tends to either be a little bit or a lot.

It was quite a lot. 

Did it land on your face when you were down there?

Yup. 

Maybe if you’d known that was coming – excuse the pun – you might have moved your head away. Honestly, for loads of guys it would absolutely blow their mind that that happened. Do you need a step by step to understand oral sex?

Yeah, why not? What kind of general advice do you have?

The first thing is to try and find out what that person wants. Communicate. Establish whether they like it. You don’t want to be going down on someone with them lying there thinking “I wish they’d stop”.

I can’t give you a blueprint for what every women likes because nothing like that exists. What I would say is be very careful with the clitoris. For most women, if it is touched, it’s very painful. You want to be navigating around it rather than touching it directly.

If you go round the clitoris, they say go round like you’re going round a clock. Don’t actually stimulate it yourself.

The other thing is, and I think your experience highlights this, if you’re in a relationship with someone you like, who you care about, it would have been a different scenario. In a relationship, unexpected things happen on both sides and you deal with it. When it comes to a one night stand, it’s a little bit different?

What I find quite interesting is that third base is a standard part of the one night stand itinerary, it’s as part of it as any other part of sex.

Where’s this information coming from?

I’ve had loads of conversations about sex since this article and I did lose track of the number of girls told me they expect it on a one night stand. 

There isn’t a standard. Some people will think “I’m not doing that on a one night stand”. I’ve known plenty of girls who think it’s fine to give a blowjob on a one night stand who’d never have sex in the same situation, because they think it’s not as bad – I can’t quite get my head around that. Everyone’s different. I wouldn’t say oral sex comes into the equation very often.

What would your advice be to me?

Well, what do you want?

I feel like I’ve been quite immature really, and that I’m missing out. I should probably stop being so stupid about oral sex. 

The main thing is understanding. Once you understand what it is and how it comes about, it makes it not “that weird thing that happened” but something normal.

You need to explore oral sex again. Be inquisitive about the female body and how it works. Do it in a relationship, not one night stands. You will be missing out if you don’t.

The most fulfilled relationships are the ones where both of you give each other pleasure. You do have to put the boot on the other foot and think about her and what she’s going through. Have you ever ejaculated on a girl’s face?

Yeah.

Right, so you have got to think of it like that. Why should that be OK for you and not for her? It is the same thing. You’d done it as well. It’s wrong to be judgmental about it. Surely you want to avoid the double standard?

Uh huh. Is it actually possible to have a sexual relationship without some kind of double standard emerging though? Isn’t there always going to be imbalance along the way in a relationship? Can’t that be exciting? 

Well, in a way. What’s interesting for me, is that you’re a young lad: I wouldn’t want you to miss out on the pleasures that you can get from giving a woman an orgasm from oral sex. You’re shutting out something exciting. I feel like it will be your loss. It’s not an unusual thing that happened to you.

That’s really helpful, thankyou very much. 

No problem!

Follow Rebecca on Twitter: @GBSexpert