Recycling your exes is the easiest way to get some and keep your number down

How often do you cringe when someone suggests Never Have I Ever? Its circle of shame and harsh rules have the potential to ruin your innocence with one swift gulp of Tesco own brand wine.

But now that’s all about to change. Welcome to the world of recycling – “having sex with exes to keep your partner count down”. It’s the perfect booty call for when you’re too drunk in Fuzz and want an easy option, while also keeping your number down.

The act of recycling forms an undisputed bond between recyclees, an unspoken truth no feelings will be involved and no awkwardness will follow, turning your walk of shame into a stride of pride. There is no longer the need to go into fine detail about your antics to your nosey housemates. You can get away with just uttering “Oh it was just a recycle”.

Get laid and keeping your number down

Third year Francis loves the convenience of a recycle: “Why graft when you can recycle? You don’t need to fix what isn’t broken.”

For Sam, a third year Geography and International Relations student, recycling is becoming a competition within itself. He said: “I’ve acquired the title of eco-warrior among my mates as I am chief recycler. But I have mastered the art of keeping my distance so no feelings are caught.”

You can carry on recycling the whole time you’re at uni if you’re paranoid about your number, but you must stick to The Rules:

1. Absolutely no feelings are to be involved at any stage

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2. If a recyclee does start to form feelings then all recycling must be abandoned

3. Recyclees must not get jealous of one another if the other is occupied

4. No form of communication is expected afterwards

Nothing to see here

Keeping feelings out of it is essential if you want to make it work, as Bex Morley – who studies English Language and Communications – warns: “Everyone loves a good snuggle with a drunk friend. Or two. Or three. Just don’t be stupid with it and keep your wits about you.”

Second year Megan added: “I’d compare recycling to buying a pack of Walkers. It’s not as exciting perhaps as a new, posh brand, but you can always rely on Walkers can’t you? Plus, if you have already experienced the self loathing over the recycled man once before this is a free ticket to a self loathing free night.”

Of course, this does not mean once you have started recycling with someone you’re stuck with them, but it never hurts to know someone out there is more than willing to be your big spoon if needed.