I fail Country Life’s rules for ‘perfect modern ladies’ and I’m so proud

If you weren’t aware, Country Life recently wrote a list of what makes a “perfect gentleman” and it was shitty. Now it’s the girls’ turn and they’re telling us all how to be “perfect modern ladies”. Already, before reading their list, I could tell being told to do a list of 39 things by the Tory Bible was going to piss me off. What I didn’t realise, was how hard I was going to fail them. And I’m proud of it.

1. Finds laughter is the best medicine

The author of this has clearly never had a hangover.

2. Can say ‘thank you’ no matter where she is in the world

Ok, but what about the ultimately way more important “where are the toilets?”

3. Cooks perfect, crispy roast potatoes

I can do this one. And to be honest I judge you if you can’t. The secret is to boil them skinless first until they’re falling apart.

4. Offers to split the bill

In an article where the main theme is “pander to your man” the least he can do is buy me a Nandos.

5. Knows that everyone, including herself, improves with age

I do not. My tits are saggy at 19.

6. Offers the builder a cup of tea

This isn’t manners or being ladylike, it’s a basic human right.

7. Excels at making love, lasagne and long gin and tonics

So, do sex and make edible things? It’s 2015, jfc.

8. Can silence a man with a stare and make a dog lie down with a hand signal – and vice versa

If men were this receptive to hints, I’d have received way better presents in the past.

9. Can imitate Piglet and Pooh voices for a bedtime story

Surely this is a job for the nanny?

10. Prefers Mr Knightley to Mr Wickham, but is secretly in love with Rupert Campbell-Black

Dunno who these people are without googling. Failed this one.

11. Never downs a drink in one, unless it’s a shot of tequila

Am I meant to sip a shot of vodka? Glenn’s isn’t for savouring.

12. Is aware that the school run and dog walking do not require full make-up

Oh but they do. Always time for a selfie.

13. Never wears shoes she can’t walk in

This is because everyone who reads Country Life only owns wellies.

14. Knows when a man is spoken for

Don’t care, I’ll steal yo man.

15. Can paunch a rabbit, pluck a pheasant and gut a fish, but allows men the privilege

What the fuck is the verb “to paunch”? This is like algebra in school, something I feel I should learn but will never ever use.

16. Remembers her godchildren’s birthdays

God is lame.

17. Knows songs for a long car journey

Hope the family’s ready to get DOWN AND POPPIN’ TO DIPLO’S GREATEST HITS.

18. Is neither early for a dinner party nor late for church

Repeat: rule 16.

19. Doesn’t over-pluck her eyebrows

Someone tell this to 11-year-old me. You ruined them, 11-year-old me.

20. Knows how to deflect a lecher with grace, and a proposal with kindness

Nah I’ll swipe the fucker left.

21. Comforts nervous flyers

The subtext here is you’re not allowed to be scared of flying. I mean, I’m not and anyone that is will die out in evolution, but still, it’s a bit oppressive.

22. Would never have Botox

Oh man, if I could afford it.

23. Knows when to let a man think it’s his idea

WHEN IT’S A BAD ONE! HAHA LADIES AM I RIGHT?

24. Would never own a handbag dog

I will not let you talk shit about Bambi, Country Life.

25. Can tie – and untie – a bow tie

I can untie one when it’s on your dad.

26. Might not understand the rules of rugby and cricket, but enjoys the game anyway

Don’t get me started with this one.

27. Knows when to take control in the bedroom and the boardroom

BOARDROOM? THIS WOMAN IS ALLOWED TO HAVE A JOB?

28. Knows the difference between Bentley & Skinner and Baddiel and Skinner

Uh?

29. Instills manners in her children, but lets their characters flourish

So: is a Good Human Being basically.

30. Knows when to deadhead a rose

Learnt another new verb here.

31. Is never afraid to overdress

[Quietly throws away my nine pairs of Joni jeans]

32. Can handle a sports car, a sit-on mower and a ski lift

A sit on mower? If Country Life is really going for those gender roles, what is the man meant to be doing all day?

33. Knows when to stop dyeing her hair

I will be 80 with candyfloss roots, fuck with me.

34. Teaches her son to iron his shirts and her daughter to change a fuse

The irony here is I can change a fuse but will ruin anything I put an iron within a foot of.

35. Owns a little black dress

I own many. Too many actually. Buy my shit on Depop.

36. Always has a hanky

Hankies are legitimately the least hygienic thing. Kleenex? Yes. Hanky? Are you my granddad?

37. Knows that ‘brevity is the soul of lingerie’

The author has never experienced how fire high-waisted knickers can make you look.

38. Has kissed several frogs and made them feel like princes

Story of my life.

39. However lucky in life, she doesn’t boast on Facebook

Fuck you, Carol with two kids at Oxford.

I can only hope this list was a Country Life reader’s idea of a joke. Whether it is or not, it at least reinforces to me how much I never want to be friends with any Country Life readers.