Which emoji is your college?

We ask the big questions

11 years ago

Akshay Bilolikar | Guides

Emojis are essential in the 21st century, just as your Oxford college has been since the 13th. So to simplify the emoji selection process, one of the great moral dilemmas of our time, we deduced the optimum emoji for your college.

Balliol

Left-wing and inclusive, and yet one of Oxford’s greatest Prime Minister generators. Balliol is full of contradictions, but with its pristine Broad Street location and tourist-friendly exterior, there’s no doubt Balliol is an establishment college. One moment they protest for solidarity, next they congratulate themselves in one of their bars.

Brasenose

Ah, the aubergine. One of life’s few purple pleasures. Like Brasenose, it’s a vegetable that was once edgy but has lost most of its shine. Similar to how people choose Brasenose as the first obvious choice, the aubergine emoji is a clear sign that you’ve not really put much thought into your conversation. It’s also really low in nutrients, just as David Cameron is low in sincerity.

Christ Church

Oh, Christ Church. A big feeder college into the endless pits of OUCA and the Union. A college where the porters wear hats, where the students would if it were socially acceptable and where getting anywhere involves getting gawped at by tourists like you’re from the 19th century. Like the noble top hat, Christ Church no longer is the sole breeding ground for Cabinet ministers, but it’s ripe for a comeback.

Corpus Christi

Asking a self-proclaimed “Corpuscle” which emoji matched Corpus Christi, Cambridge’s little sister, the only response was “whichever best fits ‘small and friendly'”. Indeed, the beautiful grassless quad is positively tiny, such that all of Corpus could fit within Tom Quad. It’s okay though, because all 17 Corpuscles love each other very much.

Exeter

Exeter doesn’t really have much of a reputation, other than being a little bit boring, so the heavy lifting is left to Exeter’s alums. Wikipedia says Exeter was particularly popular with Devon’s gentry, but the main attraction here is J R R Tolkien, who wrote books. About walking. Lots and lots of walking. With probably one fight per trillion pages. More than a bit boring, right?

Jesus

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Jesus saved the world (according to some). Pretty exciting stuff. Jesus College wants to be exciting, but all it’s managed to do is get itself a bunch of links with Wales, a wonderful country hosting many rainy Duke of Edinburgh expeditions and also the country of the dragon. The dragon emoji, though not fully in the spirit of Jesus’ contemporary culture,at least maintains the college’s historical link, and the fact that if you go there there’s a fair to good chance you’re Welsh yourself.

Magdalen

We don’t know if it’s the deer park or the fact that Magdalen just made the top of the Norrington table, but everyone knows that Magdalen is the shit and it knows it. A college which captures almost all of Oxford, and the kind that takes care of itself.

Merton

Merton are so adamant they’re not a bunch of overstudying weirdos that actually they’ve roused suspicions themselves. Yes, they walk around a quad in full sub-fusc every year as the clocks change. Yes, they tend to do unusually well in the Norrington Table. But they’re clearly just friendly Oxonians with a slightly unearthly glaze around their eyes.

New

New has the best bar in Oxford. It’s chummy, collegial, and let’s not lie, a relatively generic Oxford college. Like the noble pint, the generic Oxford is acceptable to all and perfect to none, except that old man who now lives at the pub. New isn’t really foamy, but the food is crap and that’s fairly similar to the head on a pint of lager.

St Catherine’s

The humble cat represents the pinnacle of Oxford architecture, St Catherine’s. Situated next to a bunch of departments, St Catz, as it’s affectionately known, bears many similarities to cats. Unlike cats, however, the college isn’t really soft and cuddly, although its members do bite when you criticise the architecture.

St Hugh’s

Where is St Hugh’s College? The joke is made so often, but your correspondent is genuinely unsure. One of Oxford’s newer colleges, St Hugh’s, is the furthest Oxford college from Carfax. It’s almost as far as Brookes, and going to St Hugh’s not only takes forever, but feels like you’re entering a different part of the world where rolling out of bed to go to Exam Schools just isn’t an option.

St John’s

This is Oxford, so most colleges are fairly rich. But there are rich colleges, and there are rich colleges. St John’s is definitely the latter. This doesn’t just extend to the college itself, by the way – people at St John’s work hard, and it’s not for learning’s sake.

Wadham

The raised fist of solidarity perfectly encompasses the unique spirit of Wadham as an Oxford college where even the undergrads and the postgrads are united as one. One union to take on the red Tories in OUSU and the rest of the university.