The fitties are coming (again): Who’s the most beautiful uni?
I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
We’re three rounds in, and it’s getting serious. Birmingham are ready to fight to the death against Aston, Oxford are prepared to prove they’re better than Fit For Cambridge.
You hold all the power to elevate or destroy their reputations. Who’s the most beautiful out of this lot?
Pass your Jack Wills gilet and any stash you have if you want to blend in with this public school crew. They’ll disguise how high maintenance they are behind chillaxed, wavy, bleach blonde hair, but they’ll never miss a chance to get dolled up for Mechu. Out comes the body-con, stilettos and mountains of make-up, but it’s okay because their husky voice and elongated vowels will still let you know they think they’re dead chilled out, and have only dressed up ironically. They’re the ultimate we’re-really-fit-and-know-it-but-pretend-not-to – even more so than Exeter.
Famous alumni: Weirdly handsome Gomez Addams (Tim Curry) and Wanda Opalinska, who plays an Underworld factory worker off of Corrie.
Like the city itself, our style is a bit behind the times and we’ve clung onto double denim for so long it’s come right back into fashion. But there’s something about being trapped in this time warp which gives our look a sense of nostalgia. The boys model themselves on Ryan from The OC season one: God forbid they ever actually leave Hull and realise floppy went out a long time ago. The girls probably crimp their hair for a night out, but my god that’s a sexy look right there. Going to Hull is like being sucked back into 2004, but you know you really fancy Avril Lavigne deep down inside.
Famous alumni: You know My Mad Fat Diary? The angsty teen drama with the cracking soundtrack? The real Rae Earl went to Hull – still killing the retro vibes.
There’s a reason we’re at Queen Mary: everyone knows fit people are drawn to the capital. We might pretend to hate Barts, but we just can’t help checking them all out at Hail Mary. They just really put the hours in at the gym. We’re so cosmopolitan it hurts, and you won’t ever see us making half an effort. Whatever we do, we do it with style. Looking good is effortless to us, we were just born this way.
Famous alumni: Sarah Waters, who wrote saucy novel Tipping The Velvet, American TV host Bill O’Reilly – and Jay Sean, no biggie.
We might only be in the second biggest city, and we might not be as prestigious as the University of Birmingham, but we’re by no means inferior when it comes to being fit. All you have to do is glimpse at our campus to see we have ultimate allure. Just look at Marcus Standish: captain of swag. We put the wannabes at uni of to shame, and we could sure teach them a thing or two about how to dress for Mechu and strut about in heels. They’ve just got a chip on their shoulder because they know, deep down, we’re more beautiful than them in every way.
Famous alumni: It’s slim pickings at Aston, but they do have kind-of-sexy-in-a-weird-way ginger Frankie Boyle.
A hybrid of cosmopolitan and campus chic, Reading are the best of both. Just like every night worth going to is run by the same promoters, everyone at Reading merges together until they strangely all look the same. This breeds its own laziness, more commonly masked as shabby chic. Why head into town when we can go to Park Bar? Why bother dressing up when I can just wear canvas shoes? Why pick an outfit when I can dress like everyone else in the latest trend: t-shirt, shorts and flip flops? If you’re after talent which are as grey as the town they’re at uni in, you’re bound to score at Reading.
Famous alumni: Tiny little pianist Jamie Cullum, and Julian Barratt, one half of The Mighty Boosh – yeah, remember them?
David Beckham. Anna Kournikova. Jonny Wilkinson. Jessica Ennis-Hill. All perfect human specimens, gorgeous to look at and (at their peak) some of the fittest sportsmen on the planet. Where are the next generation of athletic behemoths coming from you ask? The answer is Bath. Our dedication to whatever sport we’ve made our calling is unparalleled and has transformed us into a uni of Adonises. If you’ve ever looked at the people from Exeter and wished they put a bit more effort in, you’ll feel right at home stood in the middle of Forever Fridays.
Famous alumni: Not the most exciting alumni in the world, Bath have a predictably huge amount of sports stars, as well as Russell Senior who used to be in Pulp.
If the London unis were people in your friendship group, Royal Holloway is the one that knows they’re fit and extremely photogenic. While everywhere else in the capital has to put up with pollution, skyscrapers and the Tube, we’ve got a campus of green fields and gorgeous buildings that will leave you thinking you’re at a spa retreat. None of this would be worthwhile though if the people here weren’t just as stunning. Home to all the fit rich kids from Essex plus the hottest international students to hit these shores, you won’t find a better-dressed undergrad in the capital.
Famous alumni: RHUL has an endless list of alumni, but perhaps most exciting and beautiful among them is Laura Moore who was on The Apprentice all the way back in series six.
You might think UWE and UoB all look the same. Or you might not really think it but you say it to friends really loudly in clubs to make sure people nearby know how “politically correct” you are. You’re not impressing anyone though because what you say is a lie. While everyone at UoB spends their time at uni imitating an episode of Nathan Barley they watched by accident, we’ve given up trying to pretend to be someone else. We’re gonna keep dressing like we did when we were 18 and there’s nothing you can do to stop us. We’re going to be true to ourselves, and if that means still watching X Factor every week and fist pumping to the Fratellis then we don’t care. Like a naked soul laid bare, you can look at us and see everything we’ve ever been or ever will be and there’s nothing fitter than that.
Famous alumni: A veritable cornucopia of oddly beautiful people, from Bear Grylls and Miranda Hart to Christopher Biggins.
At Cambridge, there’s Cambridge fit. Same goes for Oxford. Both full of slightly virginal dweebs who didn’t have enough fun before uni to blossom. The people in your year who managed to smash A* after A* with minimal effort and still captain the rugby team and still be everyone’s mate, where did they go? Woxbridge is a thing, because for what they lack in boring intelligence, they make up for in the other more important facets of life.
Famous alumni: Germaine Greer – fit. Stephen Merchant – also fit.
Don’t be fooled by the “Riot Club” – Douglas Booth, Max Irons and the rest of the Burberry models don’t hang around outside the RadCam in tailcoats. Drinking societies are reserved for the red faced farmer types who enjoy “sloshing” themselves silly on “spenny” red wine. There are the Rowers: thighs, triceps and egos as big as their banking internship paypackets. The girls are a bit better, but even then they’re just “fit for Oxford” which probably means they wear mom jeans, have a bowl haircut, and crucially haven’t shaved since the day the got there. Not that you can go on their FB to perve – they don’t have it because that too would be surrendering to the pressure of societal norms. Charmingly, though, it’s very easy to get with one as the thirsty students of Oxford are new to the pulling thing. Thursday nights at their only club (Bridge) are the equivalent of a horny seventeen year old’s Pimps and Prostitutes party – everyone gets with everyone.
Famous alumni: Practically everyone went to GDBO, from Hugh Grant and Rosamund Pike to Mr Hudson – he had that one song with Kanye West.
In the war of the Roses, York will always come out on top. They might be the most boring uni in Yorkshire (after Leeds and Sheffield) and they may or may not be less fit than their York St. John rivals, but these academic juggernauts still scrub up pretty well. It’s all in their approach to life – if you find a superiority complex attractive, this is the place for you.
Famous alumni: Harry Enfield and Harriet Harman – York is where dreams are made.
You might find them rocking a school uniform but don’t worry – that’s only Wednesdays nights at Corp. Sheffield might be less lush than Leeds, but there’s more to this place than fitties crying over Arctic Monkeys covers in West Street Live. It’s home to the UK’s most ripped student, a fresher with abs so firm she looks like she could tear you in two. Let’s hope the rest of Sheffield’s top eye candy aren’t quite so fierce.
Famous alumni: Their fittest alumna is obviously Jessica Ennis, who, like the most ripped fresher in the UK, has some terrific abs.