Dear greedy nightclubs and wet student unions: Stop breathalysing people on the door

Nightclubs thrive off mindlessness. Face it – the less you’re thinking about what you’re doing, how you’re dancing, who you’re kissing, the more fun you have.

We’ve done countless features where people have gone to clubs sober. They describe how unusual it was, describing it as eerie, bewildering and, let’s face it, a bit shit.

Why then are greasy-haired club owners, council headaches and bleating student unionists enforcing a madcap breathlyse-on-entry rule?

First it was the fleece-wearing embarrassments at Loughborough Student Union, with their pilot scheme announced this freshers’ week.

Bumout Birmingham Guild of Students swiftly followed suit, paving the way for Nottingham and Liverpool councils to pitch in with their draconian drinking measures.

Certainly, they’ll adopt the mantra of the brainwashed provincials of Hot Fuzz and assure you it’s for the “greater good” of everyone who attends. They’re lying. They just think it’ll make their nights easier.

Club managers must get tired of their cleaning staff shovelling congealed vomit out of the urinals and their bouncers dragging out revellers who get a little rowdy when they’re tanked up.

Poor them. Guess what? It’s their job.

 

What’s more, breathalysing people on the door doesn’t mean people will drink less – it means they’ll fritter away more cash on stupidly high bar tariffs.

Or they’ll just do what I do and smash lots of illegal highs instead because it’s cool and my friends from home tell me to.

These dicks want you to believe they’re helping you out by breathalysing you. They’re not – they’re just killing your fun.