Please for the love of God just eat your crusts

What’s wrong with you? Why won’t you just eat your fucking crusts?

Jesus Christ, it’s 2014. We may not have flying cars, jetpacks, or virtual reality pornography, but we do have edible crusts. Oblige them.

Is it something to do with how they look? Does the humble yellow curvature remind you of something it shouldn’t? Is it a closure thing?

Does it make you feel tough?

Where did you even get the idea from in the first place? Is it just a phase?

You just leave them there – damning evidence, if ever it were needed, of what an absolute nincompoop you are. A form of communication that crosses all cultural barriers.

I lie awake at night and my thoughts flick between two things: the endless fascination of the universe – how we’re all the same cosmic being manifested as individual ego-based entities all on the same spiritual path – and why the fuck won’t you eat your crusts?

You diminish the accomplishments of the evolving world by sending the message that leaving your crusts is a do-able thing – that it’s okay.

You touch them with your fingers. Why not your tongue? Hypocrisy. But you’re used to that, aren’t you?

Maybe your friends are to blame. Their passive acceptance of this outright petulance only enforces this behavioural habit.

Is it a political statement? A reminder that those on the less appealing parts of our doughy society can be simply discarded? Everything’s political nowadays, isn’t it?

I would rather have a one hour conversation with a law student than have my eyes insulted by your wanton disregard for those cheese and tomato gravestones.

You have the appeal of fingernails screeching down a blackboard. The only thing worse than your attitude is your eating habits.

I bet the highlight of your Christmas was getting the utilities in Monopoly. You’re the reason we haven’t colonized Mars.

You couldn’t get tickets to Glastonbury, Babestation girls won’t answer your calls and even people that join university societies shun you. They know. Everyone knows.

Your Dad always loved you but he struggled to express it – is that what you want to hear? Now will you eat your crusts?

A fifth of a pizza is crust. You’re wasting £2 of a £10 pizza. An economic loser. Stop me if I’m wrong, I’m just stating the facts.

Think of the more global issues. I know in general you don’t, but entertain them for a second. Think about the extra fuel used transporting crusts that won’t be eaten to you, to the landfill after they’ve been discarded. The extra unborn crust baked and born an unknowing orphan.

When are you going to stop? There has to be an end to this. This can’t last. It’s really not fair at all, and it’s not funny.

Please.

I’m not trying to tell you how to live your life, but I think it’s time you looked yourself square in the eyes.