Stop lying about doing an all-nighter

If uni taught me one thing, it’s that there is never ever a need to pull an all-nighter.

It’s like a big collective secret that everyone knows, but nobody reveals, because of the select group of absolute wankers who pretend to think otherwise.

We all know these people. The one mate who instead of finishing up his bibliography at home and rolling into bed at around midnight, sets up shop in the ground floor of the library with twelve books and a six pack of Red Bull just so that everyone knows that he’s working through the night.

And if you don’t spot them in real life in the library, where they can show how hardcore their procrastination skills are to everyone, then don’t worry, they’ll make sure you know.

Snapchat selfies at 3am, passive aggressive texts that they’ve “still got 1500 words, gonna be an all-nighter job” or smug 6am Facebook statuses about FINALLY being free – you will feel their presence.

No essay will ever require you to sit up all night to finish it – it’s a fact, and not just showing off. The fact is that the majority of the “all-nighter” students have spent half their night not doing the essay at all.

They’ve been crafting their perfect miserable tweets, sending selfies to their mates, chugging energy drinks and checking their Facebook five times an hour. It’s not a matter of leaving things to the last minute – just an annoying combination of procrastinating and attention-seeking.

And when it’s exams and not essays, it’s not a matter of dedication. No degree in the entire world needs you to be up at 4am before every test painstakingly revising – you’re just organising your post-it notes and highlighting whole paragraphs of the notes you’ve already looked at.

These guys live to be looked at. A normal person could have banged out that essay in four hours, or split up their revision during the day – but the All-Nighter Student needs to be seen struggling.

Doing their dreaded all-nighter also gives them total lee-way to get away with creepy activities they wouldn’t do during a normal day.

Trips to the vending machine every forty-five minutes, cringe Facebook status about the “fitty on the third floor looking totes right at me”, wandering around the library in your socks – all okay for these sinister creatures.

Want an excuse to show off with your over the top Pro-Plus and energy drinks? Just do an all-nighter, it means you can hide what a massive bore you are.

The all-nighter student lives to be a martyr. They live to have bags under their eyes, to tell you about their “essay crisis” and to drag out the process of Their Struggle.

Because it doesn’t just end when the test is over or the essay deadline has passed – if you live with these people, you’re going to have to put up with them shhhing you all day because “Guys, I’m absolutely knackered, I dunno if you noticed but I put in an all-nighter last night and I’m still feeling it.”

We’re all gonna get a 2:1, so calm the fuck down.