These people didn’t even go to uni, and they’re STILL more successful than you

While we’re blowing our maintenance loan on plastic surgery and pugs, some people are earning more than most of us will ever see.

Emily Agnes

British feminists rejoiced at the news that Emily would be the first Brit Playboy Playmate in a decade. Instead of History at Southampton (good call) she was lured for her crushingly good looks to pose for pervy men in a magazine with a falling circulation. We interviewed her and she said that you should “discover yourself. Do this by working as many jobs as possible.”

Keep flying the flag Emily!

India Rose James

This porn-heiress (it gets better) is worth around £300 million making her richer than the Queen. She’s also the main reason I would contemplate global revolution. Her Instagram pics are littered with cityscapes and non-ironic usage of the word “da” instead of “the,” and her Twitter features pictures of her burning money. Yep burning money.

Sorry, the thousands of students who will no-doubt default on loans, or the millions dying in poverty, India is busy burning that money you’ll never see.

Did I mention she also tweeted “On Alex’s roof in Soho, looking down on the little people.” To register for the Communist Party you can go here.

Prince Harry

The beginning of the “Posh White Male” section of the list, Prince Hazza reigns supreme. Naked photos of a Las Vegas Lash would usually be hastily deleted on Facebook. For our darling royal, however, they went viral – ending on the Sun front-page. Allegedly with a little too much input from his Art teacher, he scraped a B and claimed an impressive D in Geography. Straight off to Afghanistan where he was accused of making racist jibes, our ever sweet monarch-in-reserve is the ultimate Uni-no-go millionaire. If you see him remember he likes green things (a tad different from the Green things his father likes) and the occasional outfit mishap is forgivable.

Jack and Finn Harries

Easily the most attractive people who don’t work in porn, these dropout brothers have 3.6 million subscribers on YouTube. With 88% of these being teenage girls (and presumably the rest gay men) JacksGap secured a £20k investment from Skype, Sony and MyDestination (no we don’t know what that is either) to rickshaw India. It’s all very white and middle-class but equally they’re rich, attractive and young so obviously they have a Tatler spread. Jack also kindly sent online abuse to The Tab for some random article about a fellow YouTuber. It ended up with a 12-year-old tweeting death threats in defence of Jack. So – have fun with that.

Rob and Paul Forkan

Their brand of flip-flops (Gandys) sells premium shoes at £30 a pair. Raised in the Indian sub-continent by neo-adventurer parents, they were orphaned in the 2004 tsunami. Without passports the brothers trekked to London and now run this Toms-esque shoe brand. They haven’t even got A Levels, let alone degrees.

Max Chilton

A name perhaps unfamiliar to many he has a massive Wikipedia page (which is a mark of success regardless of degree status). Another posh school leaver, Max skipped Uni to race in Formula One, achieving a lot of stuff that I don’t quite understand. But he seems to come 13th in Grand Prix a lot. His dad also happens to be the non-exec chairman of a group worth £100m – unfortunately girls, he’s got a girlfriend called Chloe.

Fraser Doherty

Equivalent to the girl in the HSBC ad that sells lemonade in America for Hong Kong dollars, Fraser began by selling jam to neighbours. Then he went into overdrive and dropped out of school to sell SuperJam (kid you not) and Asda/Sainsbury’s buy it now. Awesome: sell some jam and earn £1.2 million. Annoyingly endearing he continues to do well selling jam.

Tom Daley

Tom is the dream. Accomplished with a good life-story which probably only gets boring if you listen to diving commentary more than once every Olympics. Since coming out once as bi (in a video that, although inspiring, was ultimately unnecessary) and then later as gay, Tom has become a massive icon. He’s worth well over £2 million, and his calendar is released soon at £9.99 a pop. Originally planning on attending the University of Exeter, he realised that diving and looking gorgeous will get him through without a degree in Media, or whatever he was planning to do.

Jamal Edwards

At 24 years old Jamal is worth more than £8 million. Owning SBTV (SmokeyBarz TV – stop laughing) this West Londoner made millions. New rappers and even Ed Sheeran have music videos made and heavily promoted on a website run by Jamal’s 12 employees. He’s also a really amazing speaker and counts Sir Richard Branson as a friend.

Ellie Goulding

Despite being 27, unless she changes her hairstyle she shall be forever 19. Thus she makes it on to the list – selling almost 19 million records. She dropped out of a drama course at Kent (another great call) after being talent spotted in some competition that most students wouldn’t go to. Being the “other British girl – not Adele” in America is a cracking achievement for a brilliant non-grad.

Asa Butterfield

In fairness he hasn’t had the opportunity to go to Uni yet, being just 17. Proudly finishing an AS-Level in Biology, he is worth over £3 million. Watching The Boy in the Striped Pyjamas, sobs were muffled slightly as we realised that this was a star in the making. Martin Scorsese’s Hugo was also ace and starred Asa. He’s from Islington so his name is totally understandable.

Sabirul Islam

From Tower Hamlets he was fired by a family member aged 14. Luckily Merrill Lynch hired him two years later and he self-promoted a book called “The World at your Feet.” It’s less cringe than it sounds and he’s made a hell of a lot of money off it. He then went on to making a computer game that gives you a BTEC – it sold almost half a million copies.

Christian Owens

Founder of Paddle (not a 50 Shades of Grey fansite), Christian made his first million at aged 16 and claims he won’t stop till he makes £100 million. Albeit slightly vulgar to set a monetary aspiration for your life goals, Christian donates 10% of each sale to a charity. To be honest his company is very techy so I’m a tad unsure on what he does but whatever – he got ice cream sent to his office by Uber.

Nick D’Aloisio

Born in Australia and now friends with Stephen Fry, Nick created a genetic algorithm to mimic how a human really summarises clever thing that summarises news. It saves time and more importantly made him a millionaire over night when he sold it to Yahoo for £18 million. After leaving posh King’s College School Wimbledon he became mega rich, escaping crippling student loans that dominate the majority of graduate’s conversation.

Anya Reiss

Ms Reiss claims, “It’s always next year in education. Not going to uni means everything can be this year.” Very astute and a very good playwright, Anya had her debut play Spur of the Moment performed at The Royal Court. The Daily Telegraph critic called it, “the most accomplished debut from a young playwright I’ve ever had the pleasure to see.” Basically she’s a big deal in that circle.

Harry Styles

Hear me out. Most likely to realise earning potential of a solo career (and probably first to suggest Niall pursue other options), Simon Cowell’s sugar-baby brings the money in. The most followed 1D-member on Twitter Harry Styles has a cult-like power over 12 year old girls. He also is worth £15 million so things are going well for the guy who reminds you of your classmate who now works at KFC.

Laura Robson

The only female Brit who has a chance of realistically winning a Grand Slam anytime soon, she’s on course for £20 million of investment. Squeaky clean who (unlike a certain Scottish player) can hold a conversation with a human being, she won the Junior Championship aged only 14. While most teens worried about deleting Internet history, Laura entered into the main tour and subsequently was dubbed Queen of Wimbledon. However we’re waiting for a win.

Cara Delevingne

The best thing to happen to British fashion since Burberry stopped being shit in the mid 00s these two are multi-millionaires. Cara is minted and beautiful. As well as indulging in run-ins with infinitely more talented people, Cara is one of the highest paid models in the world. She also recently signed a deal with Topshop, managing a London Evening Standard front-page the same day. Basically she went to a posh school (Bedales), was born beautiful, and has somehow made herself mega-rich without a degree.

Lucy Harrold

The second glamour model to appear on the list and shockingly Lucy didn’t attend Uni. Desperate for love she appeared on Take Me Out but unfortunately the Law did not see the Graduate. She, instead, followed a dream to get her tits out. She’s even landed an appearance on Babestation, and with that lawyer brain you can discuss the legalities of Russian intervention in the Ukraine while bashing one out. We interviewed her and she’s lovely.

Sophie Turner

Despite a fear that if I watch Game of Thrones my virginity might grow back, Sophie Turner is a name I definetly recognise. English and with no degree, she is the archetypal “you didn’t go to Uni wow” type of girl. She’s actually gorgeous, and by all accounts very good at her job, so a speedy degree probably is unlikely. With a net worth of £3 million, she works on a set that has been described as “pretty shit” by The Tab’s Roisin Lanigan.