What your cigarette says about you

Obviously, smoking is still cool, so this article is designed to help you decide which type of fag suits your personality, and will even give you some useful suggestions for drinks to pair your cigarette with.

Lambert & Butler

A classic British brand like Reebok and Burberry. Much like those brands, L&B have also been appropriated by people that consider smoking something to do whilst walking their Staffordshire Bull Terrier or driving their de-badged black Corsa. If the St George’s flag hangs from your local then I recommend these. Try pairing it with a warm Carling.

Superkings

How old are you? If you are anywhere below sixty then you have no right to smoke these. Typically these are smoked by your grandmother and her friends in the care home that you rarely visit. Superkings are best left with the older generation, much like Cash in the Attic, casual racism and pissing yourself, but if you insist on smoking them then pair with a nice cup of tea during Countdown.

Marlboro Red

Are you a cowboy? Do you like the taste of licking ashtrays? If you answered yes to either then Malboro Reds are for you. So unpack your leather chaps, climb atop your trusty steed, and chase lung cancer like a native American. Best paired with bourbon.

Marlboro Lights

Marlboro Lights are like Woody from Toy Story to Red’s Cowboys, they’re for kids (disclaimer: do not give your child cigarettes). So if you’re too scared of a little tar and a respiratory tract infection then gently toke on your Lights with a Soya Latte.

Benson & Hedges

Coming in two varieties, silver and gold, much like jewellery, your choice here will give away your social status. So leave the Elizabeth Duke silver in the supermarket and pick yourself up some Tiffany gold. Pair suggestion – cava (silver) or champagne (gold).

Richmond

Inexpensive and ubiquitous, a pack of Richmond is much like a shirt from Primark – everyone else will have it, you’re not making a statement, but it was cheap and served the purpose. Pair with a supermarket brand energy drink, ideally one the same tone of yellow as your tobacco stained teeth.

Pall Mall

Sunday drivers, Simon Cowell and Pall Mall smokers: all things you only ever see at weekends. Strictly for the once-a-week social smoker, these cigarettes and their bright packaging are best served with a cheeky Saturday night cocktail in Vodka Revolution.

Vogues

Well done princess, you’re about to submit to a crippling chest cough while doing it in style. If you smoke Vogues then there is a 99.9% chance you have been called “daddy’s little girl” at some point in the last week. You’re the sort who used to spend her weekends riding and going for dinners with your long-term boyfriend. But since going to uni, you now spend them regretting another one night stand with your housemate’s boyfriend’s DJ friend whilst you pine for the next episode of Made in Chelsea. Best enjoyed with whatever the fuck your favourite Sex in the City character drinks.

Lucky Strike

You are vintage Americana, you’re James Dean, you’re Jack Kerouac…no, you’re just a bloke from Sunderland with a leather jacket over his red Topman lumberjack shirt who learned how to play Kings of Leon’s “Sex on Fire” on his mates guitar. You’re the sort of obnoxious bore that learnt everything he knows about smoking from a Vietnam war film and practices his Zippo tricks whilst watching instructional videos on YouTube. Pair with an ice cold Bud.

Menthol (any brand)

Unless you’re the sort of sadomasochist that chews Airwaves gum of their own volition then you’re probably smoking menthols under the misguided impression that they are healthy. You’re also probably the type of person that covers your chicken and bacon salad leaves in pints of caesar because it’s got leaves in it so it’ll be good for you. Pair with a fruit smoothie – they’re unnaturally high in added sugar.

Flavour changers

Firstly, these are the worst invention ever. What’s the point? If you’ve been bold enough to commit to slowly killing yourself and anyone around you, then you should at least be able to pick if you want to do it in ice cool menthol or not. The clicker-clique are indecisive. You change courses at uni, never got a tattoo because you might change your mind, and you went vegan for a few months in 2012.

The flippant flavour change smoker does not know who they are and just chases whatever seems brightest at any time, like a moth with a smoking problem. So how about you pick something for the first time in your life and stick to it?

Smoke with a coffee, maybe Costa, or Starbucks, or Costa, or Starbucks because you like Instagramming the funny way they spell your name on the cup.

Cigars

Cigars have taken a big hit in image recently. Once associated with legendary political heavyweights like Winston Churchill and Fidel Castro, you’re now more likely to be associated with how-did-we-not-know nonce Jimmy Savile. If a strong tobacco taste and looking like a disgraced television presenter appeals to you and you want to cough and gag like a minor – sorry, miner – then cigars are the perfect way to smoke.

Let’s be honest the only reason you’re considering a cigar is because you’re celebrating the end of sixth form and want to look like a high roller in your Dad’s suit, so pair with whatever booze you can get your hands on.

E-Cigs

E-Cigs are to cigarettes what Crocs are to shoes. Don’t do it, just don’t, you will not impress anyone, ever. If you must, then pair with a litre of vodka, a warm bath, any Radiohead album, and boxes of painkillers.

Rollies

Two types of people smoke rollies. Those who can’t afford proper cigarettes and try to pass it off as being alternative, and those who are alternative, loaded, and want to pass themselves off as being one of the normal people. Easily identified due to their yellowy brown fingertips, and the pre-made rollie behind their ear, there are a variety of different loose tobacco brands that all say something about the smoker.

Golden Virginia

You’re a standard rollie smoker, and clearly one who has money because cutters choice is never on the menu. Stylistically you need to be wearing at least one festival wristband and a beaded necklace (bought in a South America on a gap year) if you have any hope of fitting in with these people. Pair with a strawberry Brothers cider.

American Spirit

American Spirit is additive free, which is lucky for the health freaks amongst you because organic coronary heart disease is a lot better for you. Best accompanied with liquorice papers, a tie dye tee, stimulating conversation about laylines, and scrumpy from the local farmer whose son sells you weed.

Drum

You, Sir or Madam, are a smoker. You like strong flavours, your coffee is black, your curry vindaloo, and your tobacco so strong that even the packaging begins to rot your lungs. You don’t do aftershave, Eau De Pancreatic cancer is your scent. In the smoking world you are the kind of hero that could replace Chuck Norris in a million punchlines. Well done, you’ve won smoking – your prize, bar certain death, is that you are now cool as fuck. Best paired with Meths.

More articles recommended by the author:

• A ranking of cigarette packet pictures, based on their artistic merit

• Face it, your inability to roll cigarettes is ruining your life

• What your social smoking habit is actually doing to your body