Let’s face it, Easter eggs are shit. You’d get more chocolate if you bought a bar, but because it’s in the shape of a chicken period it costs £10.

How many times have children all over the country been disappointed cracking open their Creme Egg branded box, only to find the egg itself isn’t filled with gooey fondant? What the fuck is that all about?

So here’s a few ways to bring the childhood magic back to Easter Sunday.

The Dream Egg

It’s been the subject of many a gooey wet dream, but very few have ever seen one. This is how to make a giant creme egg, in your own kitchen.

You will need:

1kg of milk chocolate
750g of icing sugar
340g of golden syrup (or use liquid glucose if you can get your hands on it)
110g of butter (room temperature)
Vanilla extract
Yellow food colouring
A plastic case from an Easter egg, some tin foil, or an Easter egg mould

If you can’t get your hands on an Easter egg mould, you can make your own by packing a few sheets of tin foil around an existing Easter egg, like so:

Once it’s well and truly packed tight, pop the Easter egg out and you should have a half egg shape. Do it twice to speed up the whole process.

Now let’s start melting that chocolate! Break it into small pieces and pop it in a glass bowl. Use all but one of your chocolate bars as you’ll need some left over to stick the egg halves together at the end.

Put a saucepan on the hob with a bit of hot water, and warm it up so it’s only just boiling.

Put the bowl of chocolate on top of the pan, making sure the bowl isn’t in contact with the water.

While it’s warming up, brush your moulds with a bit of flavourless oil (ie. not olive oil) to lube them up.

Once that’s done, brush a bit of chocolate all around the moulds.

Now stick them in the fridge to set up. Repeat the chocolate brushing step until you’ve got a nice, thick pair of egg halves and all the chocolate is gone.

Now it’s time to get started on that gooey loveliness that comes inside every Creme Egg!

Cream together the butter and syrup with a couple of drops of vanilla extract. This is easiest with an electric mixer but a wooden spoon works too.

Stir in the icing sugar until it’s all combined. Wasn’t that easy?

It should be thick enough for you to stand a spoon in it without it falling down.

Now scoop about a quarter of it into a separate bowl and mix in your food colouring.

Now carefully pop your chocolate egg halves out of their moulds and trim the edges with a knife to make sure you’ve got a nice flat rim and try to get them to fit together as best you can.

Scoop your creme filling into the halves and leave to set in the freezer.

Once they’ve hardened up, scoop out the middle with a spoon and add your yolk!

Pop it in the cold to set up again, and get to melting the last of your chocolate. 100g should do.

Brush the chocolate around the rim of your egg halves and use it to stick them together.

If you wanna get really creative, you can use some acrylic paint on tin foil to make your own wrapper!

Et voila, a bloody huge Creme Egg!

The Dinosaur Nest

Fuck those pussy little cupcake sized nests. This is fucking serious shit.

You will need:

1 box of Shredded Wheat
2 or 3 medium Easter eggs
600g chocolate
~500g icing sugar
Food colouring
A sheet of greaseproof paper or baking parchment
A nice big bowl

First of all, let’s get all that choccy melted. Do it as described in the Dream Egg recipe above.

While that’s slowly melting away, crush up all your Shredded Wheat into a big ol’ bowl. Once the chocolate is liquified, pour in the crushed up cereal and give it a nice mix.

Now pop your greaseproof paper into your bowl/mould and pack it in. Smooth it along to create a bowl shape with the chocolate cereal mixture.

Now whack it in the fridge to set, ‘cos it’s time to get messy.

Grab a bowl for each of your Easter eggs, and put 5 heaped tablespoons of icing sugar in each one. Then add 3 tablespoons of warm water and mix until each bowl is full of smooth, thick icing. If it’s too thick, add a little bit more water.

Once you’ve got the perfect consistency (it needs to be REALLY thick) pop a few drops of different food colouring in each bowl.

Now it’s time to roll your Easter eggs in the icing. It’s tricky to do it right, so take it slow. Once each one is coated, put them in the fridge to set up.

After a few hours, or preferably overnight, take your creations out of the fridge. The nest should pop right off the greaseproof paper in the shape of a bowl.

Stick your eggs in it and your done! If you want to make them look even more Mini Egg-ish, give them a quick dusting of chocolate powder.