Villains of the year

Stirling hockey boys

These gutless twerps decided that chanting raucously about miscarriage on a bus was a decent way of passing time on a journey back from a game. Their uni suspended them from playing. Serves them right for playing a game with three different types of card – ridiculous.

Michael Healy

Ol’ Mikey is the ‘brains’ (if you can call it that) behind Ratemash – a site that pulled photos from students’ Facebooks without their knowledge or consent and invited their users to ‘rate’ them on their looks. I don’t ‘rate’ his chances of picking up anyone in the top 50.

Spencer Matthews

It’s been a tumultuous year for Spenny. He got heckled at the Oxford Union, he got pranked into thinking he had an STI by Sussex, he piped a Birmingham student and he got sued by his dad. All that free publicity…poor him.

David Browne

A recording of Browne came out revealing how he planned to cheat in the Oxford Union elections. Now, now, young David, you should know you won’t get away with cheating in this day and age…unless you’re a well-loved cyclist.

Cuth’s rugby (Durham)

St Cuthbert’s College rugby team have a history of causing controversy. Following on from last year’s laugh-a-minute Jimmy Savile social, 2013 saw the Cuth’s boys slammed for playing ‘it’s not rape if’. When will they learn?

Anonymous former Ram staff member (Exeter)

The Safer Sex Ball was the best thing about being a student at Exeter. And obviously people coupled up. But one dweeb at the Ram decided that it would be top bantz to film the CCTV footage of one such coupling and send it to their mates. Everyone saw it and lo and behold, they cancel SSB. As opposed to leaking the CCTV of 2,000 students having a great time without blowing each other. Moronic.

The EDL

The English Defence League maraud around the country ‘dispelling the myth of Islamophobia’. The Tab followed them round in Leeds, Cambridge, Exeter and Nottingham (sort of) and found them to be total fucknuts.

Nick Swain (Warwick)

Nick Swain was the president of Warwick Uni SU. In February a video emerged of him cheekily undoing a girl’s bra on a ski social, and feminists hung him out to dry. A bad bloke.

Edinburgh University Student Association

Speaking of feminists, EUSA declared itself to be one this year. Reports that it’s also single and ready to mingle are thus far unconfirmed.

Robin Thicke

EUSA led the charge in banning ‘Blurred Lines‘ from being played this year because it’s ‘rapey’, a cause taken up by SUs nationwide. Hopefully they’ll start playing friendlier music like Notorious BIG’s Dead Wrong.

Loughborough SU Exec

A Serbian Film is a horror directed by Srđan Spasojević’ in which a man is drugged and commits a series of violent atrocities. It is less painful viewing than the LSU version of Naughty Boy’s La La La.

Tom Hicks (Nottingham)

Tom Hicks is the AU officer at Nottingham who kept their rugby varsity banned and did some other knobbish stuff too. Probably did so as he was embarrassed at finishing behind Edinburgh in BUCS this season.

Occupiers

Lots of wee students have been very naughty this year, breaking into uni buildings, camping out and chaining themselves to stuff. It’s not 1977 anymore. Start a Facebook group.

Westwood

We used to like Westwood back when he was pimpin’ rides and bollocking Tempa T for having a crap par game. But he has no right to tell the ladies of Leicester how to keep their pussies. Leave it to the sistas, ya fogey.

Heroes of the year

Ruby Tandoh (UCL)

Ruby Tandoh dodged the soggy bottoms this year and finished runner-up in The Great British Bake-Off. We like cake here at the Tab, so rather than tweeting inane death threats at her, we’re making her a hero of the year. Deal with it.

Hadrian Ainsworth (Oxford)

Back in February, “Emperor” Hadrian took on all five Eggheads on BBC Two…and won. £29,000 for his whole team – that’s enough for three of his team-mates’ undergrad tuition fees. A thoroughly good egg.

Rob Ho (Bristol)

Rob Ho is so much more than just a Bristol landlord. He’s also a stuntman who’s featured in Kick-Ass 2 and 47 Ronin. When the Tab in Brizzle interviewed him, he gave the writer a samurai sword to say thanks. If that doesn’t convince you that Ho’s a hero, take a look at this picture.

I thought so.

Elina Desaine (Exeter)

Elina Desaine was named the UK’s horniest student back in November. Despite initially claiming to be concerned for her welfare, Exeter Uni chiefs have now called her in for a major disciplinary. Frankly, she deserves a fucking break.

Luke Birch & Jamie Sparks (Edinburgh and Bristol)

These two rig-diculous chaps are currently midway through a transatlantic row in aid of Breast Cancer Care…and they’re doing it naked. Shits all over your silly boat race, doesn’t it Oxbridge?

Coolio

Students at the University of Central Lancashire were treated to an impromptu performance of Gangsta’s Paradise when rap legend Coolio dropped in for a post-lash. Yeah, he was a bit of a chopper on Big Brother – but he did do the Kenan and Kel theme song, so that swings it.

Markus Okafor (Manchester)

Back in April, Markus Okafor gave The Tab in Manchester one of their biggest articles…literally. Considering I beat him in an arm wrestle, I figured this would be a fair consolation prize.

The Untouchables (Durham)

Wednesday 20th November 2013 was a sad day for DURFC’s 1st XV…they suffered their first defeat since April of the previous year. A 19-month streak without a loss is no mean feat – Arsenal’s 2004 squad only managed 15, and they had Jose Antonio Reyes.

Burrito Man (Birmingham)

Tim Stilwell aka Burrito Man had the cojones to try and become The Apprentice on this year’s series of the BBC show. Sometimes it’s nice to take a break from the mince pies and stuff your face with jalapenos until my colon weeps. When that happens, we call on Timmy.

Jack Hewitt (Imperial)

Jack Hewitt, as well as editing the Imperial Tab and being elected their worst alumnus before he’d even graduated, created the biggest email storm ever by hitting ‘reply all’ on an email thread with over 9,000 recipients. Jack brought people together – and isn’t that what Christmas is all about?

LJ Trup (Oxford)

LJ Trup ran for OUSU president with a manifesto written in crayon on a napkin promising the building of a monorail to the far-out colleges. And he bloody won. Oxford students have a bright 2014 ahead of them thanks to this tie-dyed maniac.

Jack Banister (Exeter)

Jack Banister, semi-professional hockey player, professional Aussie, lost this year’s Edinburgh Fives and met up with Edinburgh, Durham and Birmingham hockey boys before being ‘kidnapped’ by Bristol and taken on a night out. Stayed smiling throughout, and tweeted a travelogue that rivalled Bill Bryson.

Alfie Sawyer (Nottingham)

You know that twat who always saves a desk for his mate in the library…for hours? This year Alfie Sawyer aka TeamBigBoy took a stand at Nottingham. I’m standing right by your side mate. We hope Santa got you a desk lamp to fuck up the next cretin who crosses you. BOSH.