Stranger than Fan Fiction
Bob Palmer sacrifices his reputation with his internet provider to bring you the weirdest sex stories out there
Fan fiction, or ‘fanfic’, are stories, usually of an erotic nature, ranging from the creepy yet believable to the completely insane, submitted online by superfans for the delight of the rest of their community.
Though in no way limited to the worship of teenage popstars, it just so happens that the stories at onedirectionfanfiction.com were the first, and some of the most disturbing, that I stumbled upon.
The first piece that caught my eye was ‘Alone in 2379’, by ‘Alenko’. The story’s blurb read like this:
‘My name is Zayn Malik. I had the best life any teenager could hope for. I was popular, on the football team (soccer for americans), talented in both art and singing, and I had the best friends and family. All that changed when I was diagnosed with terminal brain cancer. I died on my 17th birthday January 12th 2013. But due to the fact that my family had money I was cryogenically frozen in the hope that in the future they could cure my disease. They were.
I was woken up from cryo 366yrs later. In fact I was the first person to be successfully taken out of cryo and revived. This is my story. A story of loss, hope, love, heartbreak, and techology. Wish me luck. Im gonna need it.’
The site (for ‘Mature Audiences – 17+yrs’) is a religiously enthusiastic yet grammatically defunct shrine to five teenage boys – filled with stories of girls who describe a four-way love triangle as a ‘giant Whoreangle’, and band members who say things like ‘I’m gonna give you orgasms after orgasms.’
The deranged beauty of the whole thing is that there are literally no end of possibilities for the ‘authors’ – no matter how unhinged their ideas, the only limit is their imagination. Go beyond the boundaries of the One Direction stories, therefore, and things start to get even weirder.
Harry Potter and The Prisoner of Aska-bang
Try ‘Imperio’, by ‘Helek’, a particularly disturbing Harry Potter story which contains an account of a wank the boy wizard has while wearing his invisibility cloak and watching Cho Chang have a bath.
When she finally notices him, he decides his best line of defence is to shout: ‘I am a teen age boy who wants to have sex with hot girls, yes it was me who squeezed your breasts, and no, you won’t report this to professor Dumbledore.‘
The weirdest example of Harry Potter fan fiction, however, has to be ‘First Encounter’, written by a forum user called ‘Lyris Malachi’. Here’s a particularly interesting segment:
“Just trust me,” the giant squid replied, caressing Hogwarts’ outer walls.
“I’m not ready!” Hogwarts exclaimed, trying to push the giant squid away with his magic.
“Hogwarts, you’re lonely, I’m lonely. We don’t have to be. Besides, you can’t go around manipulating your staircases.”
“You know about that!”
“Everyone does it. Sort of.”
“That’s beside the point. I’ve never…” The temperature within rose in embarrassment.
“I’ll go slow. I promise.” He began to caress a window, teasing it open. Hogwarts sighed, the fight leaving him. He relaxed, allowing the tentacle inside, where it brushed against the inner walls before settling on the stone floor. He fastened the suction cups to the floor, lifting the tentacle away so that it pulled on the floor without losing its grip.’
Yes, ‘First Encounter’ is a story about a lonely Hogwarts Castle having sex with a giant squid. Say what you will, but you can’t accuse the author of lacking imagination.
He’ll be Thor in the morning
The same could be said for ‘Comic Clash’, whose first instalment of ‘The Unexpected Series’ lives up to its name by imagining what would happen if things got hot-and-heavy between Avengers stalwarts Thor and Captain America. Highlights include Thor’s flirting (‘Art thou alright, Steve?’), Captain America’s rom-com clumsiness (‘He tripped over the same floorboard before he could finish his sentence, and this time Thor was watching.’), and such tender moments as this:
‘One of Steve’s hands buried itself into Thor’s golden locks, while the other moved to firmly grab his member. “I don’t want to be the… one on the bottom,” Steve whispered nervously.’
Stephen Fry and Brian Cox’s Big Bang
These odd combinations aren’t confined to the world of fiction, either. Have you ever wondered what an impromptu romance between Stephen Fry and Professor Brian Cox would be like? Well, according to ‘Brian and Stephen: The Third Coming’, it would include Brian grinding against Stephen ‘with roughly the same pattern as a x2+y2=25 graph’, and Stephen left standing ‘in the centre of a large room, clutching a box of assorted condoms, lube and mince pies in his slightly sweaty palms.’
Chad Kroeger and Nicolas Cage (This one’s so weird, it doesn’t require a pun)
There was always going to be a point where I reached the pinnacle of the fanfic world: the perfect story, a glorious piece of fiction that I finally discovered in a piece by ‘bowieisawizard’. In the climactic scene of the story, cherry blossoms flutter through the air as Hollywood actor Nicolas Cage and Nickelback frontman Chad Kroeger are having a heated conversation:
‘I’M PREGNANT’, Nicolas Cage shouts, to Chad Kroeger’s surprise.
‘Why… did you not tell me this?’, a stunned Kroeger asks.
‘I was scared you’d reject me….b…but it seems you don’t want me anyway so…’
Cage begins to walk away as tears spill from his face.
‘I HAVE ALWAYS WANTED YOU!’, Chad Kroeger screams after him. ‘But… I am actually…’
‘I am also pregnant…’