“University is the time of your life”, your parents always tell you. Well now it’s over. Your three or four years of wild parties, competitive drinking and occasional essay writing are behind you, and they’re never coming back.

This is a traumatic time for us all. Here are a list of things you can do before you start your life for realsies.

 

Be grateful for the Royal Baby

Because baby with metal circle on head solves ALL our problems.

 

Move back in with your parents

Take a break from years of self-sufficiency and revert to your old habits of not having to worry about food, laundry or whether you have rats or not. They may mither you (a lot), but sometimes it’s best to cope; they won’t be here forever.

 

Watch box set after box set

There’s no better time to take your laptop into the garden and crack open a whole series…Mad Men, Game of Thrones, The Sopranos…the possibilities are endless. Catch up on what you missed through revision/not having Sky/being unconscious.

 

Become a functioning alcoholic

Old habits die hard. You can try and convince that you’re easing your way out of your hedonism, but let’s not kid ourselves. Why not embrace the inevitable by staging a Skype conference call drinking session with all your uni friends over the country?

 

Get fat

Continue the progress you’ve made in desecrating the temple that is your body. Comfort eat all day every day until you’re basically a big bowl of jelly. Everyone likes jelly!

 

Get addicted to the gym

Youth is slipping away from you by the second. Chase it. Chase it on the treadmill.

 

Do a really depressing unpaid internship

Make the tea. Answer the phones. Do some photocopying. They’ll definitely give you a job at the end of it, right? RIGHT?

 

Sign on

You’ve lived off the Government for the last few years. Why stop now? You know who hates benefits cheats? Old people. You don’t want to be old people, do you?

 

Apply for an obscene amount of jobs

It’s time to come to terms with yourself. Lay the foundations for a successful life by filling out applications for furiously competitive jobs. Who knows, some of them might even tell you when they’ve rejected you.

 

Go travelling

The world is your oyster, and your overdraft is your oyster knife. Jet set around the world on your second gap yah, and try and convince other travellers you’re an excitable pre-fresh.

 

Work in a pub

A good way to adjust from leaving a copiously alcoholic atmosphere… is to work in a copiously alcoholic atmosphere. Try pouring the pints for once instead of necking them.

 

Become really corporate

Throw yourself into the working world with the same reckless abandon with which you spent your undergrad years. Never forget how good it feels to wear a suit.

 

Do a really pointless charity fundraiser

You finally have the time to raise money for that cause that you’ve obviously always cared about and make a difference… to your otherwise bewilderingly blank CV. The world is a tapestry, and we are but a few stitches. Why not sew up some of the holes?

 

Work for your parents

Nothing kick-starts a career like a cheeky bit of nepotism. Show how passionate you are for your old man’s line of work by following in his footsteps. Few things offer that self-assured independent feeling like the words “you’re so-and-so’s kid, right?”

 

Move to Clapham

Clapham is essentially a university campus… with no university. And everything costs bloody loads. However, no-one under 30 lives there, and Infernos is full of the shady characters you’ve grown to love. You’ll fit right in.

 

Work for the university

If selling your soul to the corporate world is a bridge too far for you, perhaps you’re better suited to a more comfortable alternative. Sell your soul to the uni by becoming a resident tutor and transform yourself into one of the joyless fun sponges who provide the ‘yin’ to unay’s ‘yang’.

 

Go back to college and then high school in the hope that it will cause your life to be lived backwards like in Benjamin Button

Got to be worth a shot.

 

And, if all else fails…