Don’t Worry Fatties – You Won’t Die Alone

Ever felt like you were destined to die alone just because you were more than 5-10 pounds overweight?

The 5-10 bit is really important – because if you are you’re not really fat! Congratulations, you can now use straight sized pulling tips, you know, like being pretty.

Looks like someone’s read these tips!

During a healthy dose of procrastination, this article about being fat and sexy came into my life. Bear in mind that these tips only apply to straight fat women, fat lesbians and fat men will have to look elsewhere for pearls of wisdom such as “brush your hair”.

Sorry Beth!

These 15 brilliant and clearly very empowering tips end with the charming message “If you end up going on a date, congratulations! If he asks you out again that means he likes you.”

So, if you somehow manage to get asked out (despite your terrible disability) then he might actually like you? Wow!

I really like what she’s done with her personality

As there’s plenty of you out there desperate to know how to attract yourself a man the tips seem to suggest your best bet is…

Most Read

Celebrity Traitors’ Sebastian Croft had three year relationship with co-star, and none of us knew

Wow, You’re Beautiful earns Celebrity Traitors’ James Blunt an obscene amount of money each day

Christa Pike ‘angry’ as she shares message from prison after surviving lethal injection

This may be a shock, it’s not something you’ve ever heard of doing before, but apparently it works. You can try things like, wearing nice clothes and doing your hair.

Nice hair, shame about the… OH WAIT!

However, we all know you’re fat so that won’t help that much. Which is why the rest of the tips mostly centre around BEING NICE TO PEOPLE. Yep, actually try smiling.

It’s hard of course, all those thin people just go through life being horrible and therefore getting whatever they want, but you’re fat, so be nice. Get some more friends and perhaps someone will see that you have a personality… maybe.

Looks like she has a large group of friends!

The best tip? You should stop thinking about your weight, he can clearly see you’re fat so just don’t focus on it, exactly like the article doesn’t.

Once you’ve mastered basic hygiene and common sense, you can try things like flirting. By the time you approach him when none of his friends are around (so he can’t be embarrassed by you?) then you’ll be an unstoppable man-getting force. Good luck.

Happily ever after, even without 15 patronising suggestions.